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has depreciated some。 The best I could do with thirty thousand
dollars' worth of the bonds was to secure a loan of eighty…seven
dollars and fifty cents。 On the farming lands of Colonel Rockingham；
Judge Pendergast was able to obtain； on a ninth mortgage； the sum of
fifty dollars。 You will find the amount； one hundred and thirty…seven
fifty； correct。〃
〃A railroad president；〃 said I； looking this Tucker in the eye； 〃and
the owner of a thousand acres of land； and yet〃
〃Gentlemen；〃 says Tucker； 〃The railroad is ten miles long。 There don't
any train run on it except when the crew goes out in the pines and
gathers enough lightwood knots to get up steam。 A long time ago； when
times was good； the net earnings used to run as high as eighteen
dollars a week。 Colonel Rockingham's land has been sold for taxes
thirteen times。 There hasn't been a peach crop in this part of Georgia
for two years。 The wet spring killed the watermelons。 Nobody around
here has money enough to buy fertilizer； and land is so poor the corn
crop failed and there wasn't enough grass to support the rabbits。 All
the people have had to eat in this section for over a year is hog and
hominy； and〃
〃Pick；〃 interrupts Caligula； mussing up his red hair； 〃what are you
going to do with that chicken…feed？〃
I hands the money back to Major Tucker； and then I goes over to
Colonel Rockingham and slaps him on the back。
〃Colonel；〃 says I； 〃I hope you've enjoyed our little joke。 We don't
want to carry it too far。 Kidnappers！ Well； wouldn't it tickle your
uncle？ My name's Rhinegelder； and I'm a nephew of Chauncey Depew。 My
friend's a second cousin of the editor of /Puck/。 So you can see。 We
are down South enjoying ourselves in our humorous way。 Now； there's
two quarts of cognac to open yet； and then the joke's over。〃
What's the use to go into details？ One or two will be enough。 I
remember Major Tallahassee Tucker playing on a jew's…harp； and
Caligula waltzing with his head on the watch pocket of a tall baggage…
master。 I hesitate to refer to the cake…walk done by me and Mr。
Patterson G。 Coble with Colonel Jackson T。 Rockingham between us。
And even on the next morning； when you wouldn't think it possible；
there was a consolation for me and Caligula。 We knew that Raisuli
himself never made half the hit with Burdick Harris that we did with
the Sunrise & Edenville Tap Railroad。
XIV
THE ETHICS OF PIG
On an east…bound train I went into the smoker and found Jefferson
Peters； the only man with a brain west of the Wabash River who can use
his cerebrum cerebellum； and medulla oblongata at the same time。
Jeff is in the line of unillegal graft。 He is not to be dreaded by
widows and orphans； he is a reducer of surplusage。 His favorite
disguise is that of the target…bird at which the spendthrift or the
reckless investor may shy a few inconsequential dollars。 He is readily
vocalized by tobacco； so； with the aid of two thick and easy…burning
brevas； I got the story of his latest Autolycan adventure。
〃In my line of business；〃 said Jeff； 〃the hardest thing is to find an
upright； trustworthy； strictly honorable partner to work a graft with。
Some of the best men I ever worked with in a swindle would resort to
trickery at times。
〃So； last summer； I thinks I will go over into this section of country
where I hear the serpent has not yet entered； and see if I can find a
partner naturally gifted with a talent for crime； but not yet
contaminated by success。
〃I found a village that seemed to show the right kind of a layout。 The
inhabitants hadn't found that Adam had been dispossessed； and were
going right along naming the animals and killing snakes just as if
they were in the Garden of Eden。 They call this town Mount Nebo； and
it's up near the spot where Kentucky and West Virginia and North
Carolina corner together。 Them States don't meet？ Well； it was in that
neighborhood； anyway。
〃After putting in a week proving I wasn't a revenue officer； I went
over to the store where the rude fourflushers of the hamlet lied； to
see if I could get a line on the kind of man I wanted。
〃'Gentlemen；' says I； after we had rubbed noses and gathered 'round
the dried…apple barrel。 'I don't suppose there's another community in
the whole world into which sin and chicanery has less extensively
permeated than this。 Life here； where all the women are brave and
propitious and all the men honest and expedient； must； indeed； be an
idol。 It reminds me；' says I； 'of Goldstein's beautiful ballad
entitled 〃The Deserted Village；〃 which says：
'Ill fares the land； to hastening ills a prey；
What art can drive its charms away？
The judge rode slowly down the lane； mother。
For I'm to be Queen of the May。'
〃'Why； yes； Mr。 Peters；' says the storekeeper。 'I reckon we air about
as moral and torpid a community as there be on the mounting； according
to censuses of opinion； but I reckon you ain't ever met Rufe Tatum。'
〃'Why； no；' says the town constable； 'he can't hardly have ever。 That
air Rufe is shore the monstrousest scalawag that has escaped hangin'
on the galluses。 And that puts me in mind that I ought to have turned
Rufe out of the lockup before yesterday。 The thirty days he got for
killin' Yance Goodloe was up then。 A day or two more won't hurt Rufe
any； though。'
〃'Shucks； now；' says I； in the mountain idiom； 'don't tell me there's
a man in Mount Nebo as bad as that。'
〃'Worse；' says the storekeeper。 'He steals hogs。'
〃I think I will look up this Mr。 Tatum； so a day or two after the
constable turned him out I got acquainted with him and invited him out
on the edge of town to sit on a log and talk business。
〃What I wanted was a partner with a natural rural make…up to play a
part in some little one…act outrages that I was going to book with the
Pitfall & Gin circuit in some of the Western towns； and this R。 Tatum
was born for the role as sure as nature cast Fairbanks for the stuff
that kept /Eliza/ from sinking into the river。
〃He was about the size of a first baseman； and he had ambiguous blue
eyes like the china dog on the mantelpiece that Aunt Harriet used to
play with when she was a child。 His hair waved a little bit like the
statue of the dinkus…thrower at the Vacation in Rome； but the color of
it reminded you of the 'Sunset in the Grand Canon； by an American
Artist；' that they hang over the stove…pipe holes in the salongs。 He
was the Reub； without needing a touch。 You'd have known him for one；
even if you'd seen him on the vaudeville stage with one cotton
suspender and a straw over his ear。
〃I told him what I wanted； and found him ready to jump at the job。
〃'Overlooking such a trivial little peccadillo as the habit of
manslaughter；' says I； 'what have you accomplished in the way of
indirect brigandage or nonactionable thriftiness that you could point
to； with or without pride； as an evidence of your qualifications for
the position？'
〃'Why；' says he； in his kind of Southern system of procrastinated
accents； 'hain't you heard tell？ There ain't any man； black or white；
in the Blue Ridge that can tote off a shoat as easy as I can without
bein' heard； seen； or cotched。 I can lift a shoat；' he goes on； 'out
of a pen； from under a porch； at the trough； in the woods； day or
night； anywhere or anyhow； and I guarantee nobody won't hear a squeal。
It's all in the way you grab hold of 'em and carry 'em atterwards。
Some day；' goes on this gentle despoiler of pig…pens； 'I hope to
become reckernized as the champion shoat…stealer of the world。'
〃'It's proper to be ambitious；' says I； 'and hog…stealing will do very
well for Mount Nebo； but in the outside world； Mr。 Tatum； it would be
considered as crude a piece of business as a bear raid on Bay State
Gas。 However； it will do as a guarantee of good faith。 We'll go into
partnership。 I've got a thousand dollars cash capital； and with that
homeward…plods atmosphere of yours we ought to be able to win out a
few shares of Soon Parted； preferred； in the money market。'
〃So I attaches Rufe； and we go away from Mount Nebo down into the
lowlands。 And all the way I coach him for his part in the grafts I had
in mind。 I had idled away two months on the Florida coast； and was
feeling all to the Ponce de Leon； besides having so many new schemes
up my sleeve that I had to wear kimonos to hold 'em。
〃I intended to assume a funnel shape and mow a path nine miles wide
though the farming belt of the Middle West； so we headed in that
direction。 But when we got as far as Lexington we found Binkley
Brothers' circus there； and the blue…grass peasantry romping into town
and pounding the Belgian blocks with their hand…pegged sabots as
artless and arbitrary as an extra session of a Datto Bryan drama。 I
never pass a circus without pulling the valve…cord and coming down for
a little Key West money； so I engaged a couple of rooms and board for
Rufe and me at a house near the circus grounds run by a widow lady
named Peevy。 Then I took Rufe to a clothing store and gent's…outfitted
him。 He showed up strong； as I knew he would； after he was rigged up
in the ready…made rutabaga regalia。 Me and old Misfitzky stuffed him
into a bright blue suit wi