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capital to go into business together。〃
III
MODERN RURAL SPORTS
Jeff Peters must be reminded。 Whenever he is called upon； pointedly；
for a story； he will maintain that his life has been as devoid of
incident as the longest of Trollope's novels。 But lured； he will
divulge。 Therefore I cast many and divers flies upon the current of
his thoughts before I feel a nibble。
〃I notice；〃 said I； 〃that the Western farmers； in spite of their
prosperity； are running after their old populistic idols again。〃
〃It's the running season；〃 said Jeff； 〃for farmers； shad； maple trees
and the Connemaugh river。 I know something about farmers。 I thought I
struck one once that had got out of the rut； but Andy Tucker proved to
me I was mistaken。 'Once a farmer； always a sucker；' said Andy。 'He's
the man that's shoved into the front row among bullets； ballots and
the ballet。 He's the funny…bone and gristle of the country；' said
Andy； 'and I don't know who we would do without him。'
〃One morning me and Andy wakes up with sixty…eight cents between us in
a yellow pine hotel on the edge of the pre…digested hoe…cake belt of
Southern Indiana。 How we got off the train there the night before I
can't tell you； for she went through the village so fast that what
looked like a saloon to us through the car window turned out to be a
composite view of a drug store and a water tank two blocks apart。 Why
we got off at the first station we could； belongs to a little oroide
gold watch and Alaska diamond deal we failed to pull off the day
before； over the Kentucky line。
〃When I woke up I heard roosters crowing； and smelt something like the
fumes of nitro…muriatic acid； and heard something heavy fall on the
floor below us； and a man swearing。
〃'Cheer up； Andy；' says I。 'We're in a rural community。 Somebody has
just tested a gold brick downstairs。 We'll go out and get what's
coming to us from a farmer； and then yoicks！ and away。'
〃Farmers was always a kind of reserve fund to me。 Whenever I was in
hard luck I'd go to the crossroads； hook a finger in a farmer's
suspender； recite the prospectus of my swindle in a mechanical kind of
a way； look over what he had； give him back his keys； whetstone and
papers that was of no value except to owner； and stroll away without
asking any questions。 Farmers are not fair game to me as high up in
our business as me and Andy was； but there was times when we found 'em
useful； just as Wall Street does the Secretary of the Treasury now and
then。
〃When we went down stairs we saw we was in the midst of the finest
farming section we ever see。 About two miles away on a hill was a big
white house in a grove surrounded by a wide…spread agricultural
agglomeration of fields and barns and pastures and out…houses。
〃'Whose house is that？' we asked the landlord。
〃'That；' says he； 'is the domicile and the arboreal； terrestrial and
horticultural accessories of Farmer Ezra Plunkett； one of our
country's most progressive citizens。'
〃After breakfast me and Andy； with eight cents capital left； casts the
horoscope of the rural potentate。
〃'Let me go alone；' says I。 'Two of us against one farmer would look
as one…sided as Roosevelt using both hands to kill a grizzly。'
〃'All right；' says Andy。 'I like to be a true sport even when I'm only
collecting rebates from the rutabag raisers。 What bait are you going
to use for this Ezra thing？' Andy asks me。
〃'Oh；' I says； 'the first thing that come to hand in the suit case。 I
reckon I'll take along some of the new income tax receipts； and the
recipe for making clover honey out of clabber and apple peelings； and
the order blanks for the McGuffey's readers； which afterwards turn out
to be McCormick's reapers； and the pearl necklace found on the train；
and a pocket…size goldbrick； and a'
〃'That'll be enough；' says Andy。 'Any one of the lot ought to land on
Ezra。 And say； Jeff； make that succotash fancier give you nice； clean；
new bills。 It's a disgrace to our Department of Agriculture； Civil
Service and Pure Food Law the kind of stuff some of these farmers hand
out to use。 I've had to take rolls from 'em that looked like bundles
of microbe cultures captured out of a Red Cross ambulance。'
〃So； I goes to a livery stable and hires a buggy on my looks。 I drove
out to the Plunkett farm and hitched。 There was a man sitting on the
front steps of the house。 He had on a white flannel suit； a diamond
ring； golf cap and a pink ascot tie。 'Summer boarder；' says I to
myself。
〃'I'd like to see Farmer Ezra Plunkett；' says I to him。
〃'You see him；' says he。 'What seems to be on your mind？'
〃I never answered a word。 I stood still； repeating to myself the
rollicking lines of that merry jingle； 'The Man with the Hoe。' When I
looked at this farmer； the little devices I had in my pocket for
buncoing the pushed…back brows seemed as hopeless as trying to shake
down the Beef Trust with a mittimus and a parlor rifle。
〃'Well；' says he； looking at me close； 'speak up。 I see the left
pocket of your coat sags a good deal。 Out with the goldbrick first。
I'm rather more interested in the bricks than I am in the trick sixty…
day notes and the lost silver mine story。'
〃I had a kind of cerebral sensation of foolishness in my ideas of
ratiocination； but I pulled out the little brick and unwrapped my
handkerchief off it。
〃'One dollar and eighty cents；' says the farmer hefting it in his
hand。 'Is it a trade？'
〃'The lead in it is worth more than that；' says I； dignified。 I put it
back in my pocket。
〃'All right；' says he。 'But I sort of wanted it for the collection I'm
starting。 I got a 5；000 one last week for 2。10。'
〃Just then a telephone bell rings in the house。
〃'Come in； Bunk；' says the farmer； 'and look at my place。 It's kind of
lonesome here sometimes。 I think that's New York calling。'
〃We went inside。 The room looked like a Broadway stockbroker'slight
oak desks； two 'phones； Spanish leather upholstered chairs and
couches； oil paintings in gilt frames a foot deep and a ticker hitting
off the news in one corner。
〃'Hello； hello！' says this funny farmer。 'Is that the Regent Theatre？
Yes； this is Plunkett； of Woodbine Centre。 Reserve four orchestra
seats for Friday eveningmy usual ones。 Yes； Fridaygood…bye。'
〃'I run over to New York every two weeks to see a show；' says the
farmer； hanging up the receiver。 'I catch the eighteen…hour flyer at
Indianapolis； spend ten hours in the heyday of night on the Yappian
Way； and get home in time to see the chickens go to roost forty…eight
hours later。 Oh； the pristine Hubbard squasherino of the cave…dwelling
period is getting geared up some for the annual meeting of the Don't…
Blow…Out…the…Gas Association； don't you think； Mr。 Bunk？'
〃'I seem to perceive；' says I； 'a kind of hiatus in the agrarian
traditions in which heretofore； I have reposed confidence。'
〃'Sure； Bunk；' says he。 'The yellow primrose on the river's brim is
getting to look to us Reubs like a holiday edition de luxe of the
Language of Flowers with deckle edges and frontispiece。'
〃Just then the telephone calls him again。
〃'Hello； hello！' says he。 'Oh； that's Perkins； at Milldale。 I told you
800 was too much for that horse。 Have you got him there？ Good。 Let me
see him。 Get away from the transmitter。 Now make him trot in a circle。
Faster。 Yes； I can hear him。 Keep onfaster yet。 。 。 。 That'll do。
Now lead him up to the phone。 Closer。 Get his nose nearer。 There。 Now
wait。 No； I don't want that horse。 What？ No； not at any price。 He
interferes； and he's windbroken。 Goodbye。'
〃'Now； Bunk；' says the farmer； 'do you begin to realize that
agriculture has had a hair cut？ You belong in a bygone era。 Why； Tom
Lawson himself knows better than to try to catch an up…to…date
agriculturalist napping。 It's Saturday； the Fourteenth； on the farm；
you bet。 Now； look here； and see how we keep up with the day's
doings。'
〃He shows me a machine on a table with two things for your ears like
the penny…in…the…slot affairs。 I puts it on and listens。 A female
voice starts up reading headlines of murders； accidents and other
political casualities。
〃'What you hear；' says the farmer； 'is a synopsis of to…day's news in
the New York； Chicago； St。 Louis and San Francisco papers。 It is wired
in to our Rural News Bureau and served hot to subscribers。 On this
table you see the principal dailies and weeklies of the country。 Also
a special service of advance sheets of the monthly magazines。'
〃I picks up one sheet and sees that it's headed： 'Special Advance
Proofs。 In July； 1909； the /Century/ will say'and so forth。
〃The farmer rings up somebodyhis manager； I reckonand tells him to
let that herd of 15 Jerseys go at 600 a head； and to sow the 900…acre
field in wheat； and to have 200 extra cans ready at the station for
the milk trolley car。 Then he passes the Henry Clays and sets out a
bottle of green chartreuse； and goes over and looks at the ticker
tape。
〃'Consolidated Gas up two points；' says he。 'Oh； very well。'
〃'Ever monkey with copper？' I asks。
〃'Stand back！' says he； raising his hand； 'or I'll call the dog。 I
told you not to waste your time。'
〃After a while he says： 'Bunk；