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〃'Stand back！' says he； raising his hand； 'or I'll call the dog。 I
told you not to waste your time。'
〃After a while he says： 'Bunk； if you don't mind my telling you； your
company begins to cloy slightly。 I've got to write an article on the
Chimera of Communism for a magazine； and attend a meeting of the Race
Track Association this afternoon。 Of course you understand by now that
you can't get my proxy for your Remedy； whatever it may be。'
〃Well； sir； all I could think of to do was to go out and get in the
buggy。 The horse turned round and took me back to the hotel。 I hitched
him and went in to see Andy。 In his room I told him about this farmer；
word for word； and I sat picking at the table cover like one bereft of
sagaciousness。
〃'I don't understand it；' says I； humming a sad and foolish little
song to cover my humiliation。
〃Andy walks up and down the room for a long time； biting the left end
of his mustache as he does when in the act of thinking。
〃'Jeff；' says he； finally； 'I believe your story of this expurgated
rustic； but I am not convinced。 It looks incredulous to me that he
could have inoculated himself against all the preordained systems of
bucolic bunco。 Now； you never regarded me as a man of special
religious proclivities； did you； Jeff？' says Andy。
〃'Well；' says I； 'No。 But；' says I； not to wound his feelings； 'I have
also observed many church members whose said proclivities were not so
outwardly developed that they would show on a white handkerchief if
you rubbed 'em with it。'
〃'I have always been a deep student of nature from creation down；'
says Andy； 'and I believe in an ultimatum design of Providence。
Farmers was made for a purpose； and that was to furnish a livelihood
to men like me and you。 Else why was we given brains？ It is my belief
that the manna that the Israelites lived on for forty years in the
wilderness was only a figurative word for farmers； and they kept up
the practice to this day。 And now；' says Andy； 'I am going to test my
theory 〃Once a farmer； always a come…on；〃 in spite of the veneering
and the orifices that a spurious civilization has brought to him。'
〃'You'll fail； same as I did；' says I。 'This one's shook off the
shackles of the sheep…fold。 He's entrenched behind the advantages of
electricity； education； literature and intelligence。'
〃'I'll try；' said Andy。 'There are certain Laws of Nature that Free
Rural Delivery can't overcome。'
〃Andy fumbles around awhile in the closet and comes out dressed in a
suit with brown and yellow checks as big as your hand。 His vest is red
with blue dots； and he wears a high silk hat。 I noticed he'd soaked
his sandy mustache in a kind of blue ink。
〃'Great Barnums？' says I。 'You're a ringer for a circus thimblerig
man。'
〃'Right；' says Andy。 'Is the buggy outside？ Wait here till I come
back。 I won't be long。'
〃Two hours afterwards Andy steps into the room and lays a wad of money
on the table。
〃'Eight hundred and sixty dollars；' said he。 'Let me tell you。 He was
in。 He looked me over and began to guy me。 I didn't say a word； but
got out the walnut shells and began to roll the little ball on the
table。 I whistled a tune or two； and then I started up the old
formula。
〃'Step up lively； gentlemen；' says I； 'and watch the little ball。 It
costs you nothing to look。 There you see it； and there you don't。
Guess where the little joker is。 The quickness of the hand deceives
the eye。
〃'I steals a look at the farmer man。 I see the sweat coming out on his
forehead。 He goes over and closes the front door and watches me some
more。 Directly he says： 〃I'll bet you twenty I can pick the shell the
ball's under now。〃
〃'After that；' goes on Andy； 'there is nothing new to relate。 He only
had 860 cash in the house。 When I left he followed me to the gate。
There was tears in his eyes when he shook hands。
〃'〃Bunk；〃 says he； 〃thank you for the only real pleasure I've had in
years。 It brings up happy old days when I was only a farmer and not an
agriculturalist。 God bless you。〃'〃
Here Jeff Peters ceased； and I inferred that his story was done。
〃Then you think〃I began。
〃Yes；〃 said Jeff。 〃Something like that。 You let the farmers go ahead
and amuse themselves with politics。 Farming's a lonesome life； and
they've been against the shell game before。〃
IV
THE CHAIR OF PHILANTHROMATHEMATICS
〃I see that the cause of Education has received the princely gift of
more than fifty millions of dollars；〃 said I。
I was gleaning the stray items from the evening papers while Jeff
Peters packed his briar pipe with plug cut。
〃Which same；〃 said Jeff； 〃calls for a new deck； and a recitation by
the entire class in philanthromathematics。〃
〃Is that an allusion？〃 I asked。
〃It is；〃 said Jeff。 〃I never told you about the time when me and Andy
Tucker was philanthropists； did I？ It was eight years ago in Arizona。
Andy and me was out in the Gila mountains with a two…horse wagon
prospecting for silver。 We struck it； and sold out to parties in
Tucson for 25；000。 They paid our check at the bank in silvera
thousand dollars in a sack。 We loaded it in our wagon and drove east a
hundred miles before we recovered our presence of intellect。 Twenty…
five thousand dollars doesn't sound like so much when you're reading
the annual report of the Pennsylvania Railroad or listening to an
actor talking about his salary； but when you can raise up a wagon
sheet and kick around your bootheel and hear every one of 'em ring
against another it makes you feel like you was a night…and…day bank
with the clock striking twelve。
〃The third day out we drove into one of the most specious and tidy
little towns that Nature or Rand and McNally ever turned out。 It was
in the foothills； and mitigated with trees and flowers and about 2；000
head of cordial and dilatory inhabitants。 The town seemed to be called
Floresville； and Nature had not contaminated it with many railroads；
fleas or Eastern tourists。
〃Me and Andy deposited our money to the credit of Peters and Tucker in
the Esperanza Savings Bank； and got rooms at the Skyview Hotel。 After
supper we lit up； and sat out on the gallery and smoked。 Then was when
the philanthropy idea struck me。 I suppose every grafter gets it
sometime。
〃When a man swindles the public out of a certain amount he begins to
get scared and wants to return part of it。 And if you'll watch close
and notice the way his charity runs you'll see that he tries to
restore it to the same people he got it from。 As a hydrostatical case；
take； let's say； A。 A made his millions selling oil to poor students
who sit up nights studying political economy and methods for
regulating the trusts。 So； back to the universities and colleges goes
his conscience dollars。
〃There's B got his from the common laboring man that works with his
hands and tools。 How's he to get some of the remorse fund back into
their overalls？
〃'Aha！' says B； 'I'll do it in the name of Education。 I've skinned the
laboring man；' says he to himself； 'but； according to the old proverb；
〃Charity covers a multitude of skins。〃'
〃So he puts up eighty million dollars' worth of libraries； and the
boys with the dinner pail that builds 'em gets the benefit。
〃'Where's the books？' asks the reading public。
〃'I dinna ken；' says B。 'I offered ye libraries； and there they are。 I
suppose if I'd given ye preferred steel trust stock instead ye'd have
wanted the water in it set out in cut glass decanters。 Hoot； for ye！'
〃But； as I said； the owning of so much money was beginning to give me
philanthropitis。 It was the first time me and Andy had ever made a
pile big enough to make us stop and think how we got it。
〃'Andy；' says I； 'we're wealthynot beyond the dreams of average； but
in our humble way we are comparatively as rich as Greasers。 I feel as
if I'd like to do something for as well as to humanity。'
〃'I was thinking the same thing； Jeff；' says he。 'We've been gouging
the public for a long time with all kinds of little schemes from
selling self…igniting celluloid collars to flooding Georgia with Hoke
Smith presidential campaign buttons。 I'd like； myself； to hedge a bet
or two in the graft game if I could do it without actually banging the
cymbalines in the Salvation Army or teaching a bible class by the
Bertillon system。
〃'What'll we do？' says Andy。 'Give free grub to the poor or send a
couple of thousand to George Cortelyou？'
〃'Neither；' says I。 'We've got too much money to be implicated in
plain charity； and we haven't got enough to make restitution。 So；
we'll look about for something that's about half way between the two。'
〃The next day in walking around Floresville we see on a hill a big red
brick building that appears to be disinhabited。 The citizens speak up
and tell us that it was begun for a residence several years before by
a mine owner。 After running up the house he finds he only had 2。80
left to furnish it with； so he invests that in whiskey and jumps off
the roof on a spot where he now requiescats in pieces。
〃As soon as me and Andy saw that building the same idea struck both of
us。 We would fix it up with lights and pen wipers and professors； and
put an iron do