按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
given in the palm room of the B。 & O。 Depot and then calls on the
President。 The ninth Assistant Secretary of Commerce and Labor； the
first aide…de…camp of the Blue Room and an unidentified colored man
are waiting there to grasp her by the handsand feet。 They carry her
out to S。W。B。 street and leave her on a cellar door。 That ends it。 The
next time we hear of her she is writing postcards to the Chinese
Minister asking him to get Arthur a job in a tea store。'
〃'Then；' says Andy； 'you don't think Mrs。 Avery will land the
Marshalship for Bill？'
〃'I do not；' says I。 'I do not wish to be a sceptic； but I doubt if
she can do as well as you and me could have done。'
〃'I don't agree with you；' says Andy。 'I'll bet you she does。 I'm
proud of having a higher opinion of the talent and the powers of
negotiation of ladies。'
〃We was back at Mrs。 Avery's hotel at the time she appointed。 She was
looking pretty and fine enough； as far as that went； to make any man
let her name every officer in the country。 But I hadn't much faith in
looks； so I was certainly surprised when she pulls out a document with
the great seal of the United States on it； and 'William Henry Humble'
in a fine； big hand on the back。
〃'You might have had it the next day； boys；' says Mrs。 Avery； smiling。
'I hadn't the slightest trouble in getting it；' says she。 'I just
asked for it； that's all。 Now； I'd like to talk to you a while；' she
goes on； 'but I'm awfully busy； and I know you'll excuse me。 I've got
an Ambassadorship； two Consulates and a dozen other minor applications
to look after。 I can hardly find time to sleep at all。 You'll give my
compliments to Mr。 Humble when you get home； of course。'
〃Well； I handed her the 500； which she pitched into her desk drawer
without counting。 I put Bill's appointment in my pocket and me and
Andy made our adieus。
〃We started back for the Territory the same day。 We wired Bill： 'Job
landed； get the tall glasses ready；' and we felt pretty good。
〃Andy joshed me all the way about how little I knew about women。
〃'All right；' says I。 'I'll admit that she surprised me。 But it's the
first time I ever knew one of 'em to manipulate a piece of business on
time without getting it bungled up in some way；' says I。
〃Down about the edge of Arkansas I got out Bill's appointment and
looked it over； and then I handed it to Andy to read。 Andy read it；
but didn't add any remarks to my silence。
〃The paper was for Bill； all right； and a genuine document； but it
appointed him postmaster of Dade City； Fla。
〃Me and Andy got off the train at Little Rock and sent Bill's
appointment to him by mail。 Then we struck northeast toward Lake
Superior。
〃I never saw Bill Humble after that。〃
VI
THE EXACT SCIENCE OF MATRIMONY
〃As I have told you before；〃 said Jeff Peters； 〃I never had much
confidence in the perfidiousness of woman。 As partners or coeducators
in the most innocent line of graft they are not trustworthy。〃
〃They deserve the compliment；〃 said I。 〃I think they are entitled to
be called the honest sex。〃
〃Why shouldn't they be？〃 said Jeff。 〃They've got the other sex either
grafting or working overtime for 'em。 They're all right in business
until they get their emotions or their hair touched up too much。 Then
you want to have a flat footed； heavy breathing man with sandy
whiskers； five kids and a building and loan mortgage ready as an
understudy to take her desk。 Now there was that widow lady that me and
Andy Tucker engaged to help us in that little matrimonial agency
scheme we floated out in Cairo。
〃When you've got enough advertising capitalsay a roll as big as the
little end of a wagon tonguethere's money in matrimonial agencies。
We had about 6；000 and we expected to double it in two months； which
is about as long as a scheme like ours can be carried on without
taking out a New Jersey charter。
〃We fixed up an advertisement that read about like this：
〃Charming widow； beautiful； home loving； 32 years； possessing
3；000 cash and owning valuable country property； would remarry。
Would prefer a poor man with affectionate disposition to one with
means； as she realizes that the solid virtues are oftenest to be
found in the humble walks of life。 No objection to elderly man or
one of homely appearance if faithful and true and competent to
manage property and invest money with judgment。 Address； with
particulars。
Lonely；
Care of Peters & Tucker； agents； Cairo； Ill。
〃'So far； so pernicious；' says I； when we had finished the literary
concoction。 'And now；' says I； 'where is the lady。'
〃Andy gives me one of his looks of calm irritation。
〃'Jeff；' says he； 'I thought you had lost them ideas of realism in
your art。 Why should there be a lady？ When they sell a lot of watered
stock on Wall Street would you expect to find a mermaid in it？ What
has a matrimonial ad got to do with a lady？'
〃'Now listen；' says I。 'You know my rule； Andy； that in all my
illegitimate inroads against the legal letter of the law the article
sold must be existent； visible； producible。 In that way and by a
careful study of city ordinances and train schedules I have kept out
of all trouble with the police that a five dollar bill and a cigar
could not square。 Now； to work this scheme we've got to be able to
produce bodily a charming widow or its equivalent with or without the
beauty； hereditaments and appurtenances set forth in the catalogue and
writ of errors； or hereafter be held by a justice of the peace。'
〃'Well；' says Andy； reconstructing his mind； 'maybe it would be safer
in case the post office or the peace commission should try to
investigate our agency。 But where；' he says； 'could you hope to find a
widow who would waste time on a matrimonial scheme that had no
matrimony in it？'
〃I told Andy that I thought I knew of the exact party。 An old friend
of mine； Zeke Trotter； who used to draw soda water and teeth in a tent
show； had made his wife a widow a year before by drinking some
dyspepsia cure of the old doctor's instead of the liniment that he
always got boozed up on。 I used to stop at their house often； and I
thought we could get her to work with us。
〃'Twas only sixty miles to the little town where she lived； so I
jumped out on the I。C。 and finds her in the same cottage with the same
sunflowers and roosters standing on the washtub。 Mrs。 Trotter fitted
our ad first rate except； maybe for beauty and age and property
valuation。 But she looked feasible and praiseworthy to the eye； and it
was a kindness to Zeke's memory to give her the job。
〃'Is this an honest deal you are putting on； Mr。 Peters；' she asks me
when I tell her what we want。
〃'Mrs。 Trotter；' says I； 'Andy Tucker and me have computed the
calculation that 3；000 men in this broad and unfair country will
endeavor to secure your fair hand and ostensible money and property
through our advertisement。 Out of that number something like thirty
hundred will expect to give you in exchange； if they should win you；
the carcass of a lazy and mercenary loafer； a failure in life； a
swindler and contemptible fortune seeker。
〃'Me and Andy；' says I； 'propose to teach these preyers upon society a
lesson。 It was with difficulty；' says I； 'that me and Andy could
refrain from forming a corporation under the title of the Great Moral
and Millennial Malevolent Matrimonial Agency。 Does that satisfy you？'
〃'It does； Mr。 Peters；' says she。 'I might have known you wouldn't
have gone into anything that wasn't opprobrious。 But what will my
duties be？ Do I have to reject personally these 3；000 ramscallions you
speak of； or can I throw them out in bunches？'
〃'Your job； Mrs。 Trotter；' says I； 'will be practically a cynosure。
You will live at a quiet hotel and will have no work to do。 Andy and I
will attend to all the correspondence and business end of it。
〃'Of course；' says I； 'some of the more ardent and impetuous suitors
who can raise the railroad fare may come to Cairo to personally press
their suit or whatever fraction of a suit they may be wearing。 In that
case you will be probably put to the inconvenience of kicking them out
face to face。 We will pay you 25 per week and hotel expenses。'
〃'Give me five minutes；' says Mrs。 Trotter； 'to get my powder rag and
leave the front door key with a neighbor and you can let my salary
begin。'
〃So I conveys Mrs。 Trotter to Cairo and establishes her in a family
hotel far enough away from mine and Andy's quarters to be unsuspicious
and available； and I tell Andy。
〃'Great；' says Andy。 'And now that your conscience is appeased as to
the tangibility and proximity of the bait； and leaving mutton aside；
suppose we revenoo a noo fish。'
〃So； we began to insert our advertisement in newspapers covering the
country far and wide。 One ad was all we used。 We couldn't have used
more without hiring so many clerks and marcelled paraphernalia that
the sound of the gum chewing would have disturbed the Postmaster…
General。
〃We placed 2；000 in a bank to Mrs。 Trotter's credit and gave her the
book to show in case anybody might question the honesty and good faith
of the agency。 I knew Mrs。 Trotter was square and reliable a