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book to show in case anybody might question the honesty and good faith
of the agency。 I knew Mrs。 Trotter was square and reliable and it was
safe to leave it in her name。
〃With that one ad Andy and me put in twelve hours a day answering
letters。
〃About one hundred a day was what came in。 I never knew there was so
many large hearted but indigent men in the country who were willing to
acquire a charming widow and assume the burden of investing her money。
〃Most of them admitted that they ran principally to whiskers and lost
jobs and were misunderstood by the world； but all of 'em were sure
that they were so chock full of affection and manly qualities that the
widow would be making the bargain of her life to get 'em。
〃Every applicant got a reply from Peters & Tucker informing him that
the widow had been deeply impressed by his straightforward and
interesting letter and requesting them to write again； stating more
particulars； and enclosing photograph if convenient。 Peters & Tucker
also informed the applicant that their fee for handing over the second
letter to their fair client would be 2； enclosed therewith。
〃There you see the simple beauty of the scheme。 About 90 per cent。 of
them domestic foreign noblemen raised the price somehow and sent it
in。 That was all there was to it。 Except that me and Andy complained
an amount about being put to the trouble of slicing open them
envelopes； and taking the money out。
〃Some few clients called in person。 We sent 'em to Mrs。 Trotter and
she did the rest； except for three or four who came back to strike us
for carfare。 After the letters began to get in from the r。f。d。
districts Andy and me were taking in about 200 a day。
〃One afternoon when we were busiest and I was stuffing the two and
ones into cigar boxes and Andy was whistling 'No Wedding Bells for
Her' a small slick man drops in and runs his eye over the walls like
he was on the trail of a lost Gainesborough painting or two。 As soon
as I saw him I felt a glow of pride； because we were running our
business on the level。
〃'I see you have quite a large mail to…day；' says the man。
〃I reached and got my hat。
〃'Come on；' says I。 'We've been expecting you。 I'll show you the
goods。 How was Teddy when you left Washington？'
〃I took him down to the Riverview Hotel and had him shake hands with
Mrs。 Trotter。 Then I showed him her bank book with the 2；000 to her
credit。
〃'It seems to be all right；' says the Secret Service。
〃'It is；' says I。 'And if you're not a married man I'll leave you to
talk a while with the lady。 We won't mention the two dollars。'
〃'Thanks；' says he。 'If I wasn't； I might。 Good day； Mrs。 Peters。'
〃Toward the end of three months we had taken in something over 5；000；
and we saw it was time to quit。 We had a good many complaints made to
us； and Mrs。 Trotter seemed to be tired of the job。 A good many
suitors had been calling to see her； and she didn't seem to like that。
〃So we decides to pull out； and I goes down to Mrs。 Trotter's hotel to
pay her last week's salary and say farewell and get her check for the
2；000。
〃When I got there I found her crying like a kid that don't want to go
to school。
〃'Now； now；' says I； 'what's it all about？ Somebody sassed you or you
getting homesick？'
〃'No； Mr。 Peters；' says she。 'I'll tell you。 You was always a friend
of Zeke's； and I don't mind。 Mr。 Peters； I'm in love。 I just love a
man so hard I can't bear not to get him。 He's just the ideal I've
always had in mind。'
〃'Then take him；' says I。 'That is； if it's a mutual case。 Does he
return the sentiment according to the specifications and painfulness
you have described？'
〃'He does；' says she。 'But he's one of the gentlemen that's been
coming to see me about the advertisement and he won't marry me unless
I give him the 2；000。 His name is William Wilkinson。' And then she
goes off again in the agitations and hysterics of romance。
〃'Mrs。 Trotter；' says I； 'there's no man more sympathizing with a
woman's affections than I am。 Besides； you was once the life partner
of one of my best friends。 If it was left to me I'd say take this
2；000 and the man of your choice and be happy。
〃'We could afford to do that； because we have cleaned up over 5；000
from these suckers that wanted to marry you。 But；' says I； 'Andy
Tucker is to be consulted。
〃'He is a good man； but keen in business。 He is my equal partner
financially。 I will talk to Andy；' says I； 'and see what can be done。'
〃I goes back to our hotel and lays the case before Andy。
〃'I was expecting something like this all the time；' says Andy。 'You
can't trust a woman to stick by you in any scheme that involves her
emotions and preferences。'
〃'It's a sad thing； Andy；' says I； 'to think that we've been the cause
of the breaking of a woman's heart。'
〃'It is；' says Andy； 'and I tell you what I'm willing to do； Jeff。
You've always been a man of a soft and generous heart and disposition。
Perhaps I've been too hard and worldly and suspicious。 For once I'll
meet you half way。 Go to Mrs。 Trotter and tell her to draw the 2；000
from the bank and give it to this man she's infatuated with and be
happy。'
〃I jumps up and shakes Andy's hand for five minutes； and then I goes
back to Mrs。 Trotter and tells her； and she cries as hard for joy as
she did for sorrow。
〃Two days afterward me and Andy packed up to go。
〃'Wouldn't you like to go down and meet Mrs。 Trotter once before we
leave？' I asks him。 'She'd like mightily to know you and express her
encomiums and gratitude。'
〃'Why； I guess not；' says Andy。 'I guess we'd better hurry and catch
that train。'
〃I was strapping our capital around me in a memory belt like we always
carried it； when Andy pulls a roll of large bills out of his pocket
and asks me to put 'em with the rest。
〃'What's this？' says I。
〃'It's Mrs。 Trotter's two thousand；' says Andy。
〃'How do you come to have it？' I asks。
〃'She gave it to me；' says Andy。 'I've been calling on her three
evenings a week for more than a month。'
〃'Then are you William Wilkinson？' says I。
〃'I was；' says Andy。〃
VII
A MIDSUMMER MASQUERADE
〃Satan；〃 said Jeff Peters； 〃is a hard boss to work for。 When other
people are having their vacation is when he keeps you the busiest。 As
old Dr。 Watts or St。 Paul or some other diagnostician says： 'He always
finds somebody for idle hands to do。'
〃I remember one summer when me and my partner； Andy Tucker； tried to
take a layoff from our professional and business duties； but it seems
that our work followed us wherever we went。
〃Now； with a preacher it's different。 He can throw off his
responsibilities and enjoy himself。 On the 31st of May he wraps
mosquito netting and tin foil around the pulpit； grabs his niblick；
breviary and fishing pole and hikes for Lake Como or Atlantic City
according to the size of the loudness with which he has been called by
his congregation。 And； sir； for three months he don't have to think
about business except to hunt around in Deuteronomy and Proverbs and
Timothy to find texts to cover and exculpate such little midsummer
penances as dropping a couple of looey door on rouge or teaching a
Presbyterian widow to swim。
〃But I was going to tell you about mine and Andy's summer vacation
that wasn't one。
〃We was tired of finance and all the branches of unsanctified
ingenuity。 Even Andy； whose brain rarely ever stopped working； began
to make noises like a tennis cabinet。
〃'Heigh ho！' says Andy。 'I'm tired。 I've got that steam up the yacht
Corsair and ho for the Riviera！ feeling。 I want to loaf and indict my
soul； as Walt Whittier says。 I want to play pinochle with Merry del
Val or give a knouting to the tenants on my Tarrytown estates or do a
monologue at a Chautauqua picnic in kilts or something summery and
outside the line of routine and sand…bagging。'
〃'Patience；' says I。 'You'll have to climb higher in the profession
before you can taste the laurels that crown the footprints of the
great captains of industry。 Now； what I'd like； Andy；' says I； 'would
be a summer sojourn in a mountain village far from scenes of larceny；
labor and overcapitalization。 I'm tired； too； and a month or so of
sinlessness ought to leave us in good shape to begin again to take
away the white man's burdens in the fall。'
〃Andy fell in with the rest cure at once； so we struck the general
passenger agents of all the railroads for summer resort literature；
and took a week to study out where we should go。 I reckon the first
passenger agent in the world was that man Genesis。 But there wasn't
much competition in his day； and when he said： 'The Lord made the
earth in six days； and all very good；' he hadn't any idea to what
extent the press agents of the summer hotels would plagiarize from him
later on。
〃When we finished the booklets we perceived； easy； that the United
States from Passadumkeg； Maine； to El Paso； and from Skagway to Key
West was a paradise of glorious mountain peaks； crystal lakes； new
laid eggs； golf； girls； garages； cooling breezes； straw rides； open
plumbing and tennis； and all within two hours' ride。
〃So me and Andy dumps the books out the back wind