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donal grant-第39章

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misery。 What had befallen him? Was the thing a fact or a fancy? If a
fancy; how was he so weary? If a fact; how could it have been? Had
he in any way been the earl's companion through such a long night as
it seemed? Could they have visited all the places whose remembrance
lingered in his brain? He was so confused; so bewildered; so haunted
with a shadowy uneasiness almost like remorse; that he even dreaded
the discovery of the cause of it all。 Might a man so lose hold of
himself as to be no more certain he had ever possessed or could ever
possess himself again?

He bethought himself at last that he might perhaps have taken more
wine than his head could stand。 Yet he remembered leaving his glass
unemptied to follow the earl; and it was some time after that before
the change came! Could it have been drunkenness? Had it been slowly
coming without his knowing it? He could hardly believe it? But
whatever it was; it had left him unhappy; almost ashamed。 What would
the earl think of him? He must have concluded him unfit any longer
to keep charge of his son! For his own part he did not feel he was
to blame; but rather that an accident had befallen him。 Whence then
this sense of something akin to shame? Why should he be ashamed of
anything coming upon him from without? Of that shame he had to be
ashamed; as of a lack of faith in God! Would God leave his creature
who trusted in him at the mercy of a chanceof a glass of wine
taken in ignorance? There was a thing to be ashamed of; and with
good cause!

He got up; found to his dismay that it was almost ten o'clockhis
hour for rising in winter being sixdressed in haste; and went
down; wondering that Davie had not come to see after him。

In the schoolroom he found him waiting for him。 The boy sprang up;
and darted to meet him。

〃I hope you are better; Mr。 Grant!〃 he said。 〃I am so glad you are
able to be down!〃

〃I am quite well;〃 answered Donal。 〃I can't think what made me sleep
so long? Why didn't you come and wake me; Davie; my boy?〃

〃Because Simmons told me you were ill; and I must not disturb you if
you were ever so late in coming down。〃

〃I hardly deserve any breakfast!〃 said Donal; turning to the table;
〃but if you will stand by me; and read while I take my coffee; we
shall save a little time so。〃

〃Yes; sir。But your coffee must be quite cold! I will ring。〃

〃No; no; I must not waste any more time。 A man who cannot drink cold
coffee ought to come down while it is hot。〃

〃Forgue won't drink cold coffee!〃 said Davie: 〃I don't see why you
should!〃

〃Because I prefer to do with my coffee as I please; I will not have
hot coffee for my master。 I won't have it anything to me what humour
the coffee may be in。 I will be Donal Grant; whether the coffee be
cold or hot。 A bit of practical philosophy for you; Davie!〃

〃I think I understand you; sir: you would not have a man make a fuss
about a trifle。〃

〃Not about a real trifle。 The co…relative of a trifle; Davie; is a
smile。 But I would take heed whether the thing that is called a
trifle be really a trifle。 Besides; there may be a point in a trifle
that is the egg of an ought。 It is a trifle whether this or that is
nice; it is a point that I should not care。 With us highlanders it
is a point of breeding not to mind what sort of dinner we have; but
to eat as heartily of bread and cheese as of roast beef。 At least so
my father and mother used to teach me; though I fear that refinement
of good manners is going out of fashion even with highlanders。〃

〃It is good manners!〃 rejoined Davie with decision; 〃and more than
good manners! I should count it grand not to care what kind of
dinner I had。 But I am afraid it is more than I shall ever come to!〃

〃You will never come to it by trying because you think it grand。
Only mind; I did not say we were not to enjoy our roast beef more
than our bread and cheese; that would be not to discriminate; where
there is a difference。 If bread and cheese were just as good to us
as roast beef; there would be no victory in our contentment。〃

〃I see!〃 said Davie。〃Wouldn't it be well;〃 he asked; after a
moment's pause; 〃to put one's self in training; Mr。 Grant; to do
without thingsor at least to be able to do without them?〃

〃It is much better to do the lessons set you by one who knows how to
teach; than to pick lessons for yourself out of your books。 Davie; I
have not that confidence in myself to think I should be a good
teacher of myself。〃

〃But you are a good teacher of me; sir!〃

〃I trybut then I'm set to teach you; and I am not set to teach
myself: I am only set to make myself do what I am taught。 When you
are my teacher; Davie; I trydon't Ito do everything you tell
me?〃

〃Yes; indeed; sir!〃

〃But I am not set to obey myself!〃

〃No; nor anyone else; sir! You do not need to obey anyone; or have
anyone teach you; sir!〃

〃Oh; don't I; Davie! On the contrary; I could not get on for one
solitary moment without somebody to teach me。 Look you here; Davie:
I have so many lessons given me; that I have no time or need to add
to them any of my own。 If you were to ask the cook to let you have a
cold dinner; you would perhaps eat it with pride; and take credit
for what your hunger yet made quite agreeable to you。 But the boy
who does not grumble when he is told not to go out because it is
raining and he has a cold; will not perhaps grumble either should he
happen to find his dinner not at all nice。〃

Davie hung his head。 It had been a very small grumble; but there are
no sins for which there is less reason or less excuse than small
ones: in no sense are they worth committing。 And we grown people
commit many more such than little children; and have our reward in
childishness instead of childlikeness。

〃It is so easy;〃 continued Donal; 〃to do the thing we ordain
ourselves; for in holding to it we make ourselves out fine
fellows!and that is such a mean kind of thing! Then when another
who has the right; lays a thing upon us; we grumblethough it be
the truest and kindest thing; and the most reasonable and needful
for useven for our dignityfor our being worth anything! Depend
upon it; Davie; to do what we are told is a far grander thing than
to lay the severest rules upon ourselvesay; and to stick to them;
too!〃

〃But might there not be something good for us to do that we were not
told of?〃

〃Whoever does the thing he is told to dothe thing; that is; that
has a plain ought in it; will become satisfied that there is one who
will not forget to tell him what must be done as soon as he is fit
to do it。〃

The conversation lasted only while Donal ate his breakfast; with the
little fellow standing beside him; it was soon over; but not soon to
be forgotten。 For the readiness of the boy to do what his master
told him; was beautifuland a great help and comfort; sometimes a
rousing rebuke to his master; whose thoughts would yet occasionally
tumble into one of the pitfalls of sorrow。

〃What!〃 he would say to himself; 〃am I so believed in by this child;
that he goes at once to do my words; and shall I for a moment doubt
the heart of the Father; or his power or will to set right whatever
may have seemed to go wrong with his child!Go on; Davie! You are a
good boy; I will be a better man!〃

But naturally; as soon as lessons were over; he fell again to
thinking what could have befallen him the night before。 At what
point did the aberration begin? The earl must have taken notice of
it; for surely Simmons had not given Davie those injunctions of
himselfexcept indeed he had exposed his condition even to him! If
the earl had spoken to Simmons; kindness seemed intended him; but it
might have been merely care over the boy! Anyhow; what was to be
done?

He did not ponder the matter long。 With that directness which was
one of the most marked features of his nature; he resolved at once
to request an interview with the earl; and make his apologies。 He
sought Simmons; therefore; and found him in the pantry rubbing up
the forks and spoons。

〃Ah; Mr。 Grant;〃 he said; before Donal could speak; 〃I was just
coming to you with a message from his lordship! He wants to see
you。〃

〃And I came to you;〃 replied Donal; 〃to say I wanted to see his
lordship!〃

〃That's well fitted; then; sir!〃 returned Simmons。 〃I will go and
see when。 His lordship is not up; nor likely to be for some hours
yet; he is in one of his low fits this morning。 He told me you were
not quite yourself last night。〃

As he spoke his red nose seemed to examine Donal's face with a
kindly; but not altogether sympathetic scrutiny。

〃The fact is; Simmons;〃 answered Donal; 〃not being used to wine; I
fear I drank more of his lordship's than was good for me。〃

〃His lordship's wine;〃 murmured Simmons; and there checked himself。
〃How much did you drink; sirif I may make so bold?〃

〃I had one glass during dinner; and more than one; but not nearly
two; after。〃

〃Pooh! pooh; sir! That could never hurt a strong man like you! You
ought to know better than that! Look at me!〃

But he did not go on with his illustration。

〃Tut!〃 he resumed; 〃that make you sleep till ten o'clock!If you
will kindly wait in the hall; or in the schoolroom; I will
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