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read it； my life will be in your hands； for I love you； and to me；
the hope of being loved is life。 Others； perhaps； ere now； have；
in speaking of themselves； misused the words I must employ to
depict the state of my soul； yet； I beseech you to believe in the
truth of my expressions； though weak； they are sincere。 Perhaps I
ought not thus to proclaim my love。 Indeed； my heart counseled me
to wait in silence till my passion should touch you； that I might
the better conceal it if its silent demonstrations should
displease you； or till I could express it even more delicately
than in words if I found favor in your eyes。 However； after having
listened for long to the coy fears that fill a youthful heart with
alarms； I write in obedience to the instinct which drags useless
lamentations from the dying。
〃It has needed all my courage to silence the pride of poverty； and
to overleap the barriers which prejudice erects between you and
me。 I have had to smother many reflections to love you in spite of
your wealth； and as I write to you； am I not in danger of the
scorn which women often reserve for profession of love； which they
accept only as one more tribute of flattery？ But we cannot help
rushing with all our might towards happiness； or being attracted
to the life of love as a plant is to the light； we must have been
very unhappy before we can conquer the torment； the anguish of
those secret deliberations when reason proves to us by a thousand
arguments how barren our yearning must be if it remains buried in
our hearts； and when hopes bid us dare everything。
〃I was happy when I admired you in silence； I was so lost in the
contemplation of your beautiful soul； that only to see you left me
hardly anything further to imagine。 And I should not now have
dared to address you if I had not heard that you were leaving。
What misery has that one word brought upon me！ Indeed； it is my
despair that has shown me the extent of my attachmentit is
unbounded。 Mademoiselle； you will never knowat least； I hope you
may never knowthe anguish of dreading lest you should lose the
only happiness that has dawned on you on earth； the only thing
that has thrown a gleam of light in the darkness of misery。 I
understood yesterday that my life was no more in myself； but in
you。 There is but one woman in the world for me； as there is but
one thought in my soul。 I dare not tell you to what a state I am
reduced by my love for you。 I would have you only as a gift from
yourself； I must therefore avoid showing myself to you in all the
attractiveness of dejectionfor is it not often more impressive
to a noble soul than that of good fortune？ There are many things I
may not tell you。 Indeed； I have too lofty a notion of love to
taint it with ideas that are alien to its nature。 If my soul is
worthy of yours； and my life pure； your heart will have a
sympathetic insight； and you will understand me！
〃It is the fate of man to offer himself to the woman who can make
him believe in happiness； but it is your prerogative to reject the
truest passion if it is not in harmony with the vague voices in
your heartthat I know。 If my lot； as decided by you； must be
adverse to my hopes； mademoiselle； let me appeal to the delicacy
of your maiden soul and the ingenuous compassion of a woman to
burn my letter。 On my knees I beseech you to forget all！ Do not
mock at a feeling that is wholly respectful； and that is too
deeply graven on my heart ever to be effaced。 Break my heart； but
do not rend it！ Let the expression of my first love； a pure and
youthful love； be lost in your pure and youthful heart！ Let it die
there as a prayer rises up to die in the bosom of God！
〃I owe you much gratitude： I have spent delicious hours occupied
in watching you； and giving myself up to the faint dreams of my
life； do not crush these long but transient joys by some girlish
irony。 Be satisfied not to answer me。 I shall know how to
interpret your silence； you will see me no more。 If I must be
condemned to know for ever what happiness means； and to be for
ever bereft of it； if； like a banished angel； I am to cherish the
sense of celestial joys while bound for ever to a world of sorrow
well； I can keep the secret of my love as well as that of my
griefs。And farewell！
〃Yes； I resign you to God； to whom I will pray for you； beseeching
Him to grant you a happy life； for even if I am driven from your
heart； into which I have crept by stealth； still I shall ever be
near you。 Otherwise； of what value would the sacred words be of
this letter； my first and perhaps my last entreaty？ If I should
ever cease to think of you； to love you whether in happiness or in
woe； should I not deserve my punishment？〃
II
〃You are not going away！ And I am loved！ I； a poor； insignificant
creature！ My beloved Pauline； you do not yourself know the power
of the look I believe in； the look you gave me to tell me that you
had chosen meyou so young and lovely； with the world at your
feet！
〃To enable you to understand my happiness； I should have to give
you a history of my life。 If you had rejected me； all was over for
me。 I have suffered too much。 Yes； my love for you； my comforting
and stupendous love； was a last effort of yearning for the
happiness my soul strove to reacha soul crushed by fruitless
labor； consumed by fears that make me doubt myself； eaten into by
despair which has often urged me to die。 No one in the world can
conceive of the terrors my fateful imagination inflicts on me。 It
often bears me up to the sky； and suddenly flings me to earth
again from prodigious heights。 Deep…seated rushes of power； or
some rare and subtle instance of peculiar lucidity； assure me now
and then that I am capable of great things。 Then I embrace the
universe in my mind； I knead； shape it； inform it； I comprehend it
or fancy that I do； then suddenly I awakealone； sunk in
blackest night； helpless and weak； I forget the light I saw but
now； I find no succor； above all； there is no heart where I may
take refuge。
〃This distress of my inner life affects my physical existence。 The
nature of my character gives me over to the raptures of happiness
as defenceless as when the fearful light of reflection comes to
analyze and demolish them。 Gifted as I am with the melancholy
faculty of seeing obstacles and success with equal clearness；
according to the mood of the moment； I am happy or miserable by
turns。
〃Thus； when I first met you； I felt the presence of an angelic
nature； I breathed an air that was sweet to my burning breast； I
heard in my soul the voice that never can be false； telling me
that here was happiness； but perceiving all the barriers that
divided us； I understood the vastness of their pettiness； and
these difficulties terrified me more than the prospect of
happiness could delight me。 At once I felt the awful reaction
which casts my expansive soul back on itself； the smile you had
brought to my lips suddenly turned to a bitter grimace； and I
could only strive to keep calm； while my soul was boiling with the
turmoil of contradictory emotions。 In short； I experienced that
gnawing pang to which twenty…three years of suppressed sighs and
betrayed affections have not inured me。
〃Well； Pauline； the look by which you promised that I should be
happy suddenly warmed my vitality； and turned all my sorrows into
joy。 Now； I could wish that I had suffered more。 My love is
suddenly full…grown。 My soul was a wide territory that lacked the
blessing of sunshine； and your eyes have shed light on it。 Beloved
providence！ you will be all in all to me； orphan as I am； without
a relation but my uncle。 You will be my whole family； as you are
my whole wealth； nay； the whole world to me。 Have you not bestowed
on me every gladness man can desire in that chastelavishtimid
glance？
〃You have given me incredible self…confidence and audacity。 I can
dare all things now。 I came back to Blois in deep dejection。 Five
years of study in the heart of Paris had made me look on the world
as a prison。 I had conceived of vast schemes； and dared not speak
of them。 Fame seemed to me a prize for charlatans； to which a
really noble spirit should not stoop。 Thus； my ideas could only
make their way by the assistance of a man bold enough to mount the
platform of the press； and to harangue loudly the simpletons he
scorns。 This kind of courage I have not。 I ploughed my way on；
crushed by the verdict of the crowd； in despair at never making it
hear me。 I was at once too humble and too lofty！ I swallowed my
thoughts as other men swallow humiliations。 I had even come to
despise knowledge； blaming it for yielding no real happiness。
〃But since yesterday I am wholly changed。 For your sake I now
covet every palm of glory； every triumph of success。 When I lay my
head on your knees； I could wish to attract to you the eyes of the
whole world； just as I long to concentrate in my lo