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STAGE…LAND。
that rather would she take that noisome reptile and clasp its slimy bosom
to her own than tolerate one instant's touch from his （the villain's） arms。
This sweet prattle of hers； however； only charms him all the more。
He says he will win her yet。
Nor does the villain seem much happier in his less serious love
episodes。 After he has indulged in a little badinage of the above
character with his real lady…love； the heroine； he will occasionally try a
little light flirtation passage with her maid or lady friend。
The maid or friend does not waste time in simile or in metaphor。 She
calls him a black…hearted scoundrel and clumps him over the head。
Of recent years it has been attempted to cheer the stage villain's
loveless life by making the village clergyman's daughter gone on him。 But
it is generally about ten years ago when even she loved him； and her love
has turned to hate by the time the play opens； so that on the whole his lot
can hardly be said to have been much improved in this direction。
Not but what it must be confessed that her change of feeling is； under
the circumstances； only natural。 He took her away from her happy；
peaceful home when she was very young and brought her up to this
wicked overgrown London。 He did not marry her。 There is no earthly
reason why he should not have married her。 She must have been a fine
girl at that time （and she is a good…looking woman as it is； with dash and
go about her）； and any other man would have settled down cozily with her
and have led a simple； blameless life。
But the stage villain is built cussed。
He ill…uses this female most shockinglynot for any cause or motive
whatever； indeed； his own practical interests should prompt him to treat
her well and keep friends with herbut from the natural cussedness to
which we have just alluded。 When he speaks to her he seizes her by the
wrist and breathes what he's got to say into her ear； and it tickles and
revolts her。
The only thing in which he is good to her is in the matter of dress。 He
does not stint her in dress。
The stage villain is superior to the villain of real life。 The villain of
real life is actuated by mere sordid and selfish motives。 The stage villain
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STAGE…LAND。
does villainy； not for any personal advantage to himself； but merely from
the love of the thing as an art。 Villainy is to him its own reward； he
revels in it。
〃Better far be poor and villainous；〃 he says to himself； 〃than possess
all the wealth of the Indies with a clear conscience。 I will be a villain；〃
he cries。 〃I will； at great expense and inconvenience to myself； murder
the good old man； get the hero accused of the crime； and make love to his
wife while he is in prison。 It will be a risky and laborious business for
me from beginning to end； and can bring me no practical advantage
whatever。 The girl will call me insulting names when I pay her a visit；
and will push me violently in the chest when I get near her； her golden…
haired infant will say I am a bad man and may even refuse to kiss me。
The comic man will cover me with humorous opprobrium； and the
villagers will get a day off and hang about the village pub and hoot me。
Everybody will see through my villainy； and I shall be nabbed in the end。
I always am。 But it is no matter； I will be a villainha！ ha！〃
On the whole； the stage villain appears to us to be a rather badly used
individual。 He never has any 〃estates〃 or property himself； and his only
chance of getting on in the world is to sneak the hero's。 He has an
affectionate disposition； and never having any wife of his own he is
compelled to love other people's； but his affection is ever unrequited； and
everything comes wrong for him in the end。
Our advice to stage villains generally； after careful observation of
（stage） life and （stage） human nature； is as follows：
Never be a stage villain at all if you can help it。 The life is too
harassing and the remuneration altogether disproportionate to the risks and
labor。
If you have run away with the clergyman's daughter and she still clings
to you； do not throw her down in the center of the stage and call her names。
It only irritates her； and she takes a dislike to you and goes and warns the
other girl。
Don't have too many accomplices； and if you have got them； don't
keep sneering at them and bullying them。 A word from them can hang
you； and yet you do all you can to rile them。 Treat them civilly and let
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STAGE…LAND。
them have their fair share of the swag。
Beware of the comic man。 When you are committing a murder or
robbing a safe you never look to see where the comic man is。 You are so
careless in that way。 On the whole； it might be as well if you murdered
the comic man early in the play。
Don't make love to the hero's wife。 She doesn't like you； how can
you expect her to？ Besides； it isn't proper。 Why don't you get a girl of
your own？
Lastly； don't go down to the scenes of your crimes in the last act。 You
always will do this。 We suppose it is some extra cheap excursion down
there that attracts you。 But take our advice and don't go。 That is always
where you get nabbed。 The police know your habits from experience。
They do not trouble to look for you。 They go down in the last act to the
old hall or the ruined mill where you did the deed and wait for you。
In nine cases out of ten you would get off scot…free but for this idiotic
custom of yours。 Do keep away from the place。 Go abroad or to the
sea…side when the last act begins and stop there till it is over。 You will be
safe then。
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STAGE…LAND。
THE HEROINE。
She is always in troubleand don't she let you know it； too！ Her life
is undeniably a hard one。 Nothing goes right with her。 We all have our
troubles； but the stage heroine never has anything else。 If she only got
one afternoon a week off from trouble or had her Sundays free it would be
something。
But no； misfortune stalks beside her from week's beginning to week's
end。
After her husband has been found guilty of murder； which is about the
least thing that can ever happen to him； and her white…haired father has
become a bankrupt and has died of a broken heart； and the home of her
childhood has been sold up； then her infant goes and contracts a lingering
fever。
She weeps a good deal during the course of her troubles； which we
suppose is only natural enough； poor woman。 But it is depressing from
the point of view of the audience； and we almost wish before the evening
is out that she had not got quite so much trouble。
It is over the child that she does most of her weeping。 The child has a
damp time of it altogether。 We sometimes wonder that it never catches
rheumatism。
She is very good； is the stage heroine。 The comic man expresses a
belief that she is a born angel。 She reproves him for this with a tearful
smile （it wouldn't be her smile if it wasn't tearful）。
〃Oh； no；〃 she says （sadly of course）； 〃I have many； many faults。〃
We rather wish that she would show them a little more。 Her
excessive goodness seems somehow to pall upon us。 Our only
consolation while watching her is that there are not many good women off
the stage。 Life is bad enough as it is； if there were many women in real life
as good as the stage heroine； it would be unbearable。
The stage heroine's only pleasure in life is to go out in a snow…storm
without a