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girl and her young man； and they always come into the drawing…room to
do it。 They have got the kitchen； and there is the garden （with a fountain
and mountains in the backgroundyou can see it through the window）； but
no！ no place in or about the house is good enough for them to quarrel in
except the drawing…room。 They quarrel there so vigorously that it even
interferes with the dusting of the chair…legs。
She ought not to be long in saving up sufficient to marry on； for the
generosity of people on the stage to the servants there makes one seriously
consider the advisability of ignoring the unremunerative professions of
ordinary life and starting a new and more promising career as a stage
servant。
No one ever dreams of tipping the stage servant with less than a
sovereign when they ask her if her mistress is at home or give her a letter
to post； and there is quite a rush at the end of the piece to stuff five…pound
notes into her hand。 The good old man gives her ten。
The stage servant is very impudent to her mistress； and the masterhe
falls in love with her and it does upset the house so。
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STAGE…LAND。
Sometimes the servant…girl is good and faithful； and then she is Irish。
All good servant…girls on the stage are Irish。
All the male visitors are expected to kiss the stage servant…girl when
they come into the house； and to dig her in the ribs and to say： 〃Do you
know； Jane； I think you're an uncommonly nice girlclick。〃 They always
say this； and she likes it。
Many years ago； when we were young； we thought we would see if
things were the same off the stage； and the next time we called at a certain
friend's house we tried this business on。
She wasn't quite so dazzlingly beautiful as they are on the stage； but
we passed that。 She showed us up into the drawing…room； and then said
she would go and tell her mistress we were there。
We felt this was the time to begin。 We skipped between her and the
door。 We held our hat in front of us； cocked our head on one side； and
said： 〃Don't go！ don't go！〃
The girl seemed alarmed。 We began to get a little nervous ourselves；
but we had begun it and we meant to go through with it。
We said； 〃Do you know； Jane〃 （her name wasn't Jane； but that wasn't
our fault）； 〃do you know； Jane； I think you're an uncommonly nice girl；〃
and we said 〃click；〃 and dug her in the ribs with our elbow； and then
chucked her under the chin。 The whole thing seemed to fall flat。 There
was nobody there to laugh or applaud。 We wished we hadn't done it。 It
seemed stupid when you came to think of it。 We began to feel frightened。
The business wasn't going as we expected； but we screwed up our courage
and went on。
We put on the customary expression of comic imbecility and beckoned
the girl to us。 We have never seen this fail on the stage。
But this girl seemed made wrong。 She got behind the sofa and
screamed 〃Help！〃
We have never known them to do this on the stage； and it threw us out
in our plans。 We did not know exactly what to do。 We regretted that we
had ever begun this job and heartily wished ourselves out of it。 But it
appeared foolish to pause then； when we were more than half…way through；
and we made a rush to get it over。
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STAGE…LAND。
We chivvied the girl round the sofa and caught her near the door and
kissed her。 She scratched our face； yelled police； murder； and fire； and
fled from the room。
Our friend came in almost immediately。 He said：
〃I say； J。； old man； are you drunk？〃
We told him no； that we were only a student of the drama。 His wife
then entered in a towering passion。 She didn't ask us if we were drunk。
She said：
〃How dare you come here in this state！〃
We endeavored unsuccessfully to induce her to believe that we were
sober； and we explained that our course of conduct was what was always
pursued on the stage。
She said she didn't care what was done on the stage； it wasn't going to
be pursued in her house； and that if her husband's friends couldn't behave
as gentlemen they had better stop away。
The following morning we received a letter from a firm of solicitors in
Lincoln's Inn with reference； so they put it； to the brutal and unprovoked
assault committed by us on the previous afternoon upon the person of their
client； Miss Matilda Hemmings。 The letter stated that we had punched
Miss Hemmings in the side； struck her under the chin； and afterward；
seizing her as she was leaving the room； proceeded to commit a gross
assault； into the particulars of which it was needless for them to enter at
greater length。
It added that if we were prepared to render an ample written apology
and to pay 50 pounds compensation； they would advise their client； Miss
Matilda Hemmings； to allow the matter to drop； otherwise criminal
proceedings would at once be commenced against us。
We took the letter to our own solicitors and explained the
circumstances to them。 They said it seemed to be a very sad case； but
advised us to pay the 50 pounds； and we borrowed the money and did so。
Since then we have lost faith； somehow； in the British drama as a
guide to the conduct of life。
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STAGE…LAND。
THE CHILD。
It is nice and quiet and it talks prettily。
We have come across real infants now and then in the course of visits
to married friends； they have been brought to us from outlying parts of the
house and introduced to us for our edification； and we have found them
gritty and sticky。 Their boots have usually been muddy； and they have
wiped them up against our new trousers。 And their hair has suggested the
idea that they have been standing on their heads in the dust…bin。
And they have talked to usbut not prettily； not at allrather rude we
should call it。
But the stage child is very different。 It is clean and tidy。 You can
touch it anywhere and nothing comes off。 Its face glows with soap and
water。 From the appearance of its hands it is evident that mud…pies and
tar are joys unknown to it。 As for its hair； there is something uncanny
about its smoothness and respectability。 Even its boot…laces are done up。
We have never seen anything like the stage child outside a theater
excepting onethat was on the pavement in front of a tailor's shop in
Tottenham Court Road。 He stood on a bit of round wood； and it was
fifteen and nine； his style。
We thought in our ignorance prior to this that there could not be
anything in the world like the stage child； but you see we were mistaken。
The stage child is affectionate to its parents and its nurse and is
respectful in its demeanor toward those whom Providence has placed in
authority over it； and so far it is certainly much to be preferred to the real
article。 It speaks of its male and female progenitors as 〃dear； dear papa〃
and 〃dear； dear mamma；〃 and it refers to its nurse as 〃darling nursey。〃
We are connected with a youthful child ourselvesa real onea nephew。
He alludes to his father （when his father is not present） as 〃the old man；〃
and always calls the nurse 〃old nut…crackers。〃 Why cannot they make
real children who say 〃dear； dear mamma〃 and 〃dear； dear papa？〃
The stage child is much superior to the live infant in every way。 The
stage child does not go rampaging about a house and screeching and
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STAGE…LAND。
yelling till nobody knows whether they are on their heads or their heels。
A stage child does not get up at five o'clock in the morning to practice
playing on a penny whistle。 A stage child never wants a