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after that； if you can！
〃What next？ The murder in the timber ship？ No； the murder is a
good reason why the dark Armadale； whose father committed it；
should keep his secret from the fair Armadale； whose father was
killed； but it doesn't concern _me。_ I remember there was a
suspicion in Madeira at the time of something wrong。 _Was_ it
wrong？ Was the man who had been tricked out of his wife to blame
for shutting the cabin door； and leaving the man who had tricked
him to drown in the wreck？ Yes； the woman wasn't worth it。
〃What am I sure of that really concerns myself？
〃I am sure of one very important thing。 I am sure that
MidwinterI must call him by his ugly false name； or I may
confuse the two Armadales before I have doneI am sure that
Midwinter is perfectly ignorant that I and the little imp of
twelve years old who waited o n Mrs。 Armadale in Madeira； and
copied the letters that were supposed to arrive from the West
Indies； are one and the same。 There are not many girls of twelve
who could have imitated a man's handwriting； and held their
tongues about it afterward； as I did； but that doesn't matter
now。 What does matter is that Midwinter's belief in the Dream is
Midwinter's only reason for trying to connect me with Allan
Armadale； by associating me with Allan Armadale's father and
mother。 I asked him if he actually thought me old enough to have
known either of them。 And he said No； poor fellow； in the most
innocent； bewildered way。 Would he say No if he saw me now？ Shall
I turn to the glass and see if I look my five…and…thirty years？
or shall I go on writing？ I will go on writing。
〃There is one thing more that haunts me almost as obstinately as
the Names。
〃I wonder whether I am right in relying on Midwinter'
superstition （as I do） to help me in keeping him at arms…length。
After having let the excitement of the moment hurry me into
saying more than I need have said； he is certain to press me； he
is certain to come back； with a man's hateful selfishness and
impatience in such things； to the question of marrying me。 Will
the Dream help me to check him？ After alternately believing and
disbelieving in it； he has got； by his own confession； to
believing in it again。 Can I say I believe in it； too？ I have
better reasons for doing so than he knows of。 I am not only the
person who helped Mrs。 Armadale's marriage by helping her to
impose on her own father： I am the woman who tried to drown
herself； the woman who started the series of accidents which put
young Armadale in possession of his fortune； the woman who has
come Thorpe Ambrose to marry him for his fortune； now he has got
it； and more extraordinary still； the woman who stood in the
Shadow's place at the pool！ These may be coincidences； but they
are strange coincidences。 I declare I begin to fancy that _I_
believe in the Dream too！
〃Suppose I say to him； 'I think as you think。 I say what you said
in your letter to me； Let us part before the harm is done。 Leave
me before the Third Vision of the Dream comes true。 Leave me； and
put the mountains and the seas between you and the man who bears
your name！'
〃Suppose； on the other side； that his love for me makes him
reckless of everything else？ Suppose he says those desperate
words again； which I understand now： What _is_ to be； _will_ be。
What have I to do with it； and what has she？' Supposesuppose
〃I won't write any more。 I hate writing。 It doesn't relieve
meit makes me worse。 I'm further from being able to think of
all that I _must_ think of than I was when I sat down。 It is past
midnight。 To…morrow has come already； and here I am as helpless
as the stupidest woman living！ Bed is the only fit place for me。
〃Bed？ If it was ten years since； instead of to…day； and if I had
married Midwinter for love； I might be going to bed now with
nothing heavier on my mind than a visit on tiptoe to the nursery；
and a last look at night to see if my children were sleeping
quietly in their cribs。 I wonder whether I should have loved my
children if I had ever had any？ Perhaps； yesperhaps； no。 It
doesn't matter。
〃Tuesday morning； ten o'clock。Who was the man who invented
laudanum？ I thank him from the bottom of my heart whoever he was。
If all the miserable wretches in pain of body and mind； whose
comforter he has been； could meet together to sing his praises；
what a chorus it would be！ I have had six delicious hours of
oblivion； I have woke up with my mind composed； I have written a
perfect little letter to Midwinter； I have drunk my nice cup of
tea； with a real relish of it； I have dawdled over my morning
toilet with an exquisite sense of reliefand all through the
modest little bottle of Drops； which I see on my bedroom
chimney…piece at this moment。 'Drops；' you are a darling！ If I
love nothing else； I love _you。_
〃My letter to Midwinter has been sent through the post； and I
have told him to reply to me in the same manner。
〃I feel no anxiety about his answerhe can only answer in one
way。 I have asked for a little time to consider； because my
family circumstances require some consideration； in his interests
as well as in mine。 I have engaged to tell him what those
circumstances are （what shall I say； I wonder？） when we next
meet； and I have requested him in the meantime to keep all that
has passed between us a secret for the present。 As to what he is
to do himself in the interval while I am supposed to be
considering； I have left it to his own discretionmerely
reminding him that his attempting to see me again （while our
positions toward each other cannot be openly avowed） might injure
my reputation。 I have offered to write to him if he wishes it；
and I have ended by promising to make the interval of our
necessary separation as short as I can。
〃This sort of plain； unaffected letterwhich I might have
written to him last night； if his story had not been running in
my head as it didhas one defect； I know。 It certainly keeps him
out of the way； while I am casting my net； and catching my gold
fish at the great house for the second time； but it also leaves
an awkward day of reckoning to come with Midwinter if I succeed。
How am I to manage him？ What am I to do？ I ought to face those
two questions as boldly as usual； but somehow my courage seems to
fail me； and I don't quite fancy meeting _that_ difficulty； till
the time comes when it _must_ be met。 Shall I confess to my diary
that I am sorry for Midwinter； and that I shrink a little from
thinking of the day when he hears that I am going to be mistress
at the great house？
〃But I am not mistress yet； and I can't take a step in the
direction of the great house till I have got the answer to my
letter； and till I know that Midwinter is out of the way。
Patience！ patience！ I must go and forget myself at my piano。
There is the 'Moonlight Sonata' open； and tempting me； on the
music…stand。 Have I nerve enough to play it； I wonder？ Or will it
set me shuddering with the mystery and terror of it； as it did
the other day？
〃Five o'clock。I have got his answer。 The slightest request I
can make is a command to him。 He has gone； and he sends me his
address in London。 'There are two considerations' （he says）
'which help to reconcile me to leaving you。 The first is that
_you_ wish it； and that it is only to be for a little while。 The
second is that I think I can make some arrangements in London for
adding to my income by my own labor。 I have never cared for money
for myself； but you don't know how I am beginning already to
prize the luxuries and refinements that money can provide； for my
wife's sake。' Poor fellow！ I almost wish I had not written to him
as I did； I almost wish I had not sent him away from me。
〃Fancy if Mother Oldershaw saw this page in my diary！ I have had
a letter from her this morninga letter to remind me of my
obligations； and to tell me she suspects things are all going
wrong。 Let her suspect！ I shan't trouble myself to answer； I
can't be worried with that old wretch in the state I am in now。
〃It is a lovely afternoonI want a walkI mustn't think of
Midwinter。 Suppose I put on my bonnet； and try my experiment at
once at the great house？ Everything is in my favor。 There is no
spy to follow me； and no lawyer to keep me out； this time。 Am I
handsome enough； today？ Well； yes； handsome enough to be a match
for a little dowdy； awkward； freckled creature； who ought to be
perched on a form at school； and strapped to a backboard to
straighten her crooked shoulders。
〃 'The nursery lisps out in all they utter；
Besides； they always smell of bread…and…butter。'
〃How admirably Byron has described girls in their teens！
〃Eight o'clock。I have just got back from Armadale's house。 I
have seen him； and spoken to him； and the end of it may be set
down in three plain words。 I have failed。 There is no more chance
of my being Mrs。 Armadale of Thorpe Ambrose than there is of my
being Queen of England。
〃Shall I write and tell Oldershaw？ Shall I go back to London？ Not
till I have had time to think a little。 N ot just yet。
〃Let me think； I have failed completelyfailed； with all the
circumstances in favor of success。 I caught him alone on the
d