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down。 When he got home he at once fetched out his diary； that had
long remained untouched； read a few sentences out of it； and then
wrote as follows：
〃For two years I have not written anything in my diary； and
thought I never should return to this childishness。 Yet it is not
childishness； but converse with my own self； with this real
divine self which lives in every man。 All this time that I slept
there was no one for me to converse with。 I was awakened by an
extraordinary event on the 28th of April； in the Law Court； when
I was on the jury。 I saw her in the prisoners' dock； the Katusha
betrayed by me； in a prisoner's cloak； condemned to penal
servitude through a strange mistake； and my own fault。 I have
just been to the Procureur's and to the prison； but I was not
admitted。 I have resolved to do all I can to see her； to confess
to her； and to atone for my sin； even by a marriage。 God help me。
My soul is at peace and I am full of joy。〃
CHAPTER XXXVII。
MASLOVA RECALLS THE PAST。
That night Maslova lay awake a long time with her eyes open
looking at the door； in front of which the deacon's daughter kept
passing。 She was thinking that nothing would induce her to go to
the island of Sakhalin and marry a convict； but would arrange
matters somehow with one of the prison officials； the secretary；
a warder； or even a warder's assistant。 〃Aren't they all given
that way？ Only I must not get thin； or else I am lost。〃
She thought of how the advocate had looked at her； and also the
president； and of the men she met； and those who came in on
purpose at the court。 She recollected how her companion； Bertha；
who came to see her in prison； had told her about the student
whom she had 〃loved〃 while she was with Kitaeva； and who had
inquired about her； and pitied her very much。 She recalled many
to mind； only not Nekhludoff。 She never brought back to mind the
days of her childhood and youth； and her love to Nekhludoff。
That would have been too painful。 These memories lay untouched
somewhere deep in her soul； she had forgotten him； and never
recalled and never even dreamt of him。 To…day； in the court； she
did not recognise him； not only because when she last saw him he
was in uniform； without a beard； and had only a small moustache
and thick； curly； though short hair； and now was bald and
bearded； but because she never thought about him。 She had buried
his memory on that terrible dark night when he； returning from
the army； had passed by on the railway without stopping to call
on his aunts。 Katusha then knew her condition。 Up to that night
she did not consider the child that lay beneath her heart a
burden。 But on that night everything changed； and the child
became nothing but a weight。
His aunts had expected Nekhludoff； had asked him to come and see
them in passing； but he had telegraphed that he could not come；
as he had to be in Petersburg at an appointed time。 When Katusha
heard this she made up her mind to go to the station and see him。
The train was to pass by at two o'clock in the night。 Katusha
having helped the old ladies to bed； and persuaded a little girl；
the cook's daughter； Mashka； to come with her； put on a pair of
old boots； threw a shawl over her head； gathered up her dress；
and ran to the station。
It was a warm； rainy； and windy autumn night。 The rain now pelted
down in warm； heavy drops； now stopped again。 It was too dark to
see the path across the field； and in the wood it was pitch
black； so that although Katusha knew the way well； she got off
the path； and got to the little station where the train stopped
for three minutes； not before； as she had hoped； but after the
second bell had been rung。 Hurrying up the platform； Katusha saw
him at once at the windows of a first…class carriage。 Two
officers sat opposite each other on the velvet…covered seats；
playing cards。 This carriage was very brightly lit up； on the
little table between the seats stood two thick； dripping candles。
He sat in his closefitting breeches on the arm of the seat；
leaning against the back； and laughed。 As soon as she recognised
him she knocked at the carriage window with her benumbed hand；
but at that moment the last bell rang； and the train first gave a
backward jerk； and then gradually the carriages began to move
forward。 One of the players rose with the cards in his hand； and
looked out。 She knocked again； and pressed her face to the
window； but the carriage moved on； and she went alongside looking
in。 The officer tried to lower the window； but could not。
Nekhludoff pushed him aside and began lowering it himself。 The
train went faster； so that she had to walk quickly。 The train
went on still faster and the window opened。 The guard pushed her
aside； and jumped in。 Katusha ran on； along the wet boards of the
platform； and when she came to the end she could hardly stop
herself from falling as she ran down the steps of the platform。
She was running by the side of the railway； though the
first…class carriage had long passed her； and the second…class
carriages were gliding by faster； and at last the third…class
carriages still faster。 But she ran on； and when the last
carriage with the lamps at the back had gone by； she had already
reached the tank which fed the engines； and was unsheltered from
the wind； which was blowing her shawl about and making her skirt
cling round her legs。 The shawl flew off her head； but still she
ran on。
〃Katerina Michaelovna； you've lost your shawl！〃 screamed the
little girl； who was trying to keep up with her。
Katusha stopped； threw back her head； and catching hold of it
with both hands sobbed aloud。 〃Gone！〃 she screamed。
〃He is sitting in a velvet arm…chair and joking and drinking； in
a brightly lit carriage； and I； out here in the mud； in the
darkness； in the wind and the rain； am standing and weeping；〃 she
thought to herself； and sat down on the ground； sobbing so loud
that the little girl got frightened； and put her arms round her；
wet as she was。
〃Come home； dear；〃 she said。
〃When a train passesthen under a carriage； and there will be an
end；〃 Katusha was thinking； without heeding the girl。
And she made up her mind to do it； when； as it always happens；
when a moment of quiet follows great excitement； he； the
childhis childmade himself known within her。 Suddenly all
that a moment before had been tormenting her； so that it had
seemed impossible to live； all her bitterness towards him； and
the wish to revenge herself； even by dying； passed away； she grew
quieter； got up； put the shawl on her head； and went home。
Wet； muddy； and quite exhausted； she returned； and from that day
the change which brought her where she now was began to operate
in her soul。 Beginning from that dreadful night； she ceased
believing in God and in goodness。 She had herself believed in
God； and believed that other people also believed in Him； but
after that night she became convinced that no one believed； and
that all that was said about God and His laws was deception and
untruth。 He whom she loved； and who had loved heryes； she knew
thathad thrown her away； had abused her love。 Yet he was the
best of all the people she knew。 All the rest were still worse。
All that afterwards happened to her strengthened her in this
belief at every step。 His aunts； the pious old ladies； turned her
out when she could no longer serve them as she used to。 And of
all those she met； the women used her as a means of getting
money； the men； from the old police officer down to the warders
of the prison； looked at her as on an object for pleasure。 And no
one in the world cared for aught but pleasure。 In this belief the
old author with whom she had come together in the second year of
her life of independence had strengthened her。 He had told her
outright that it was this that constituted the happiness of life；
and he called it poetical and aesthetic。
Everybody lived for himself only； for his pleasure； and all the
talk concerning God and righteousness was deception。 And if
sometimes doubts arose in her mind and she wondered why
everything was so ill…arranged in the world that all hurt each
other； and made each other suffer； she thought it best not to
dwell on it； and if she felt melancholy she could smoke； or；
better still； drink； and it would pass。
CHAPTER XXXVIII。
SUNDAY IN PRISONPREPARING FOR MASS。
On Sunday morning at five o'clock； when a whistle sounded in the
corridor of the women's ward of the prison； Korableva； who was
already awake； called Maslova。
〃Oh； dear！ life again；〃 thought Maslova； with horror；
involuntarily breathing in the air that had become terribly
noisome towards the morning。 She wished to fall asleep again； to
enter into the region of oblivion； but the habit of fear overcame
sleepiness； and she sat up and looked round； drawing her feet
under her。 The women had all got up； only the elder children were
still asleep。 The spirit…trader was carefully drawing a cloak
from under the children； so as not to wake them。 The watchman's
wife was hanging up the rags to dry that served the baby as
swaddling clothes； while the baby was screaming desperately in
Theodosia's arms； who was trying to quiet