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Help me； my dear。 O bless me！ Why will you leave me alone with such a Satyr？
FOND。 Bless us！ What's the matter？ What's the matter？
LAET。 Your back was no sooner turned； but like a lion he came open mouthed upon me； and would have ravished a kiss from me by main force。
SIR JO。 O Lord！ Oh； terrible！ Ha； ha； ha。 Is your wife mad； Alderman？
LAET。 Oh！ I'm sick with the fright； won't you take him out of my sight？
FOND。 O traitor！ I'm astonished。 O bloody…minded traitor！
SIR JO。 Hey…day！ Traitor yourself。 By the Lord Harry； I was in most danger of being ravished； if you go to that。
FOND。 Oh； how the blasphemous wretch swears！ Out of my house； thou son of the whore of Babylon； offspring of Bel and the Dragon。… …Bless us！ ravish my wife！ my Dinah！ Oh； Shechemite！ Begone； I say。
SIR JO。 Why； the devil's in the people； I think。
SCENE XIX。
LAETITIA； FONDLEWIFE
LAET。 Oh！ won't you follow； and see him out of doors； my dear？
FOND。 I'll shut this door to secure him from coming backGive me the key of your cabinet； Cocky。 Ravish my wife before my face？ I warrant he's a Papist in his heart at least； if not a Frenchman。
LAET。 What can I do now！ （Aside。） Oh！ my dear； I have been in such a fright； that I forgot to tell you； poor Mr。 Spintext has a sad fit of the colic； and is forced to lie down upon our bed you'll disturb him； I can tread softlier。
FOND。 Alack； poor manno； noyou don't know the papersI won't disturb him； give me the key。 ＇She gives him the key； goes to the chamber door and speaks aloud。＇
LAET。 'Tis nobody but Mr。 Fondlewife； Mr。 Spintext； lie still on your stomach； lying on your stomach will ease you of the colic。
FOND。 Ay； ay； lie still； lie still； don't let me disturb you。
SCENE XX。
LAETITIA alone。
LAET。 Sure； when he does not see his face； he won't discover him。 Dear fortune； help me but this once； and I'll never run in thy debt again。 But this opportunity is the Devil。
SCENE XXI。
FONDLEWIFE returns with Papers。
FOND。 Good lack！ good lack！ I profess the poor man is in great torment； he lies as flatDear； you should heat a trencher； or a napkin。Where's Deborah？ Let her clap some warm thing to his stomach； or chafe it with a warm hand rather than fail。 What book's this？ ＇Sees the book that BELLMOUR forgot。＇
LAET。 Mr。 Spintext's prayer…book； dear。 Pray Heaven it be a prayer…book。 ＇Aside。＇
FOND。 Good man！ I warrant he dropped it on purpose that you might take it up and read some of the pious ejaculations。 ＇Taking up the book。＇ O bless me！ O monstrous！ A prayer…book？ Ay； this is the devil's paternoster。 Hold； let me see： The Innocent Adultery。
LAET。 Misfortune！ now all's ruined again。 ＇Aside。＇
BELL。 ＇Peeping＇。 Damned chance！ If I had gone a…whoring with the Practice of Piety in my pocket I had never been discovered。
FOND。 Adultery； and innocent！ O Lord！ Here's doctrine！ Ay； here's discipline！
LAET。 Dear husband； I'm amazed。 Sure it is a good book； and only tends to the speculation of sin。
FOND。 Speculation！ No no； something went farther than speculation when I was not to be let in。Where is this apocryphal elder？ I'll ferret him。
LAET。 I'm so distracted； I can't think of a lie。 ＇Aside。＇
SCENE XXII。
LAETITIA and FONDLEWIFE haling out BELLMOUR。
FOND。 Come out here； thou Ananias incarnate。 Who； how now！ Who have we here？
LAET。 Ha！ ＇Shrieks as surprised。＇
FOND。 Oh thou salacious woman！ Am I then brutified？ Ay； I feel it here； I sprout； I bud； I blossom； I am ripe…horn…mad。 But who in the devil's name are you？ Mercy on me for swearing。 But …
LAET。 Oh！ goodness keep us！ Who are you？ What are you？
BELL。 Soh！
LAET。 In the name of theO！ Good； my dear； don't come near it； I'm afraid 'tis the devil； indeed； it has hoofs； dear。
FOND。 Indeed； and I have horns； dear。 The devil； no； I am afraid 'tis the flesh； thou harlot。 Dear； with the pox。 Come Syren； speak； confess； who is this reverend； brawny pastor。
LAET。 Indeed； and indeed now； my dear Nykin； I never saw this wicked man before。
FOND。 Oh； it is a man then； it seems。
LAET。 Rather； sure it is a wolf in the clothing of a sheep。
FOND。 Thou art a devil in his proper clothingwoman's flesh。 What； you know nothing of him； but his fleece here！ You don't love mutton？ you Magdalen unconverted。
BELL。 Well； now； I know my cue。That is； very honourably to excuse her； and very impudently accuse myself。 ＇Aside。＇
LAET。 Why then； I wish I may never enter into the heaven of your embraces again； my dear； if ever I saw his face before。
FOND。 O Lord！ O strange！ I am in admiration of your impudence。 Look at him a little better； he is more modest； I warrant you； than to deny it。 Come； were you two never face to face before？ Speak。
BELL。 Since all artifice is vain。 And I think myself obliged to speak the truth in justice to your wife。No。
FOND。 Humph。
LAET。 No； indeed； dear。
FOND。 Nay； I find you are both in a story； that I must confess。 But； whatnot to be cured of the colic？ Don't you know your patient； Mrs。 Quack？ Oh； 'lie upon your stomach； lying upon your stomach will cure you of the colic。' Ah！ answer me； Jezebel？
LAET。 Let the wicked man answer for himself： does he think I have nothing to do but excuse him？ 'tis enough if I can clear my own innocence to my own dear。
BELL。 By my troth； and so 'tis。 I have been a little too backward； that's the truth on't。
FOND。 Come； sir； who are you； in the first place？ And what are you？
BELL。 A whore…master。
FOND。 Very concise。
LAET。 O beastly； impudent creature。
FOND。 Well； sir； and what came you hither for？
BELL。 To lie with your wife。
FOND。 Good again。 A very civil person this； and I believe speaks truth。
LAET。 Oh； insupportable impudence。
FOND。 Well； sir； pray be coveredand you haveHeh！ You have finished the matter； heh？ And I am； as I should be； a sort of civil perquisite to a whore…master； called a cuckold； heh？ Is it not so？ Come； I'm inclining to believe every word you say。
BELL。 Why； faith； I must confess； so I designed you； but you were a little unlucky in coming so soon； and hindered the making of your own fortune。
FOND。 Humph。 Nay； if you mince the matter once and go back of your word you are not the person I took you for。 Come； come； go on boldly。What； don't be ashamed of your profession。Confess； confess； I shall love thee the better for't。 I shall； i'feck。 What； dost think I don't know how to behave myself in the employment of a cuckold； and have been three years apprentice to matrimony？ Come； come； plain dealing is a jewel。
BELL。 Well； since I see thou art a good； honest fellow； I'll confess the whole matter to thee。
FOND。 Oh； I am a very honest fellow。 You never lay with an honester man's wife in your life。
LAET。 How my heart aches！ All my comfort lies in his impudence； and heaven be praised； he has a considerable portion。 ＇Aside。＇
BELL。 In short； then； I was informed of the opportunity of your absence by my spy （for faith； honest Isaac； I have a long time designed thee this favour）。 I knew Spintext was to come by your direction。 But I laid a trap for him； and procured his habit； in which I passed upon your servants； and was conducted hither。 I pretended a fit of the colic； to excuse my lying down upon your bed； hoping that when she heard of it； her good nature would bring her to administer remedies for my distemper。 You know what might have followed。 But； like an uncivil person； you knocked at the door before your wife was come to me。
FOND。 Ha！ This is apocryphal； I may choose whether I will believe it or no。
BELL。 That you may； faith； and I hope you won't believe a word on'tbut I can't help telling the truth； for my life。
FOND。 How！ would not you have me believe you； say you？
BELL。 No； for then you must of consequence part with your wife； and there will be some hopes of having her upon the public； then the encouragement of a separate maintenance …
FOND。 No； no； for that matter； when she and I part； she'll carry her separate maintenance about her。
LAET。 Ah； cruel dear； how can you be so barbarous？ You'll break my heart； if you talk of parting。 ＇Cries。＇
FOND。 Ah； dissembling vermin！
BELL。 How can'st thou be so cruel； Isaac？ Thou hast the heart of a mountain…tiger。 By the faith of a sincere sinner； she's innocent for me。 Go to him； madam； fling your snowy arms about his stubborn neck； bathe his relentless face in your salt trickling tears。 ＇She goes and hangs upon his neck； and kisses him。 BELLMOUR kisses her hand behind FONDLEWIFE'S back。＇ So； a few soft words； and a kiss； and the good man melts。 See how kind nature works； and boils over in him。
LAET。 Indeed； my dear； I was but just come down stairs； when you knocked at the door； and the maid told me Mr。 Spintext was ill of the colic upon our bed。 And won't you speak to me； cruel Nykin？ Indeed； I'll die； if you don't。
FOND。 Ah！ No； no； I cannot speak； my heart's so fullI have been a tender husband； a tender yoke…fellow； you know I have。But thou hast been a faithless Delilah； and the PhilistinesHeh！ Art thou not vile