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CHAPTER VI
Pig and Pepper
For a minute or two she stood looking at the house； and
wondering what to do next； when suddenly a footman in livery came
running out of the wood（she considered him to be a footman
because he was in livery： otherwise； judging by his face only；
she would have called him a fish）and rapped loudly at the door
with his knuckles。 It was opened by another footman in livery；
with a round face； and large eyes like a frog； and both footmen；
Alice noticed； had powdered hair that curled all over their
heads。 She felt very curious to know what it was all about； and
crept a little way out of the wood to listen。
The Fish…Footman began by producing from under his arm a great
letter； nearly as large as himself； and this he handed over to
the other； saying； in a solemn tone； ‘For the Duchess。 An
invitation from the Queen to play croquet。' The Frog…Footman
repeated； in the same solemn tone； only changing the order of the
words a little； ‘From the Queen。 An invitation for the Duchess
to play croquet。'
Then they both bowed low； and their curls got entangled
together。
Alice laughed so much at this； that she had to run back into
the wood for fear of their hearing her； and when she next peeped
out the Fish…Footman was gone； and the other was sitting on the
ground near the door； staring stupidly up into the sky。
Alice went timidly up to the door； and knocked。
‘There's no sort of use in knocking；' said the Footman； ‘and
that for two reasons。 First； because I'm on the same side of the
door as you are； secondly； because they're making such a noise
inside； no one could possibly hear you。' And certainly there was
a most extraordinary noise going on withina constant howling
and sneezing； and every now and then a great crash； as if a dish
or kettle had been broken to pieces。
‘Please； then；' said Alice； ‘how am I to get in？'
‘There might be some sense in your knocking；' the Footman went
on without attending to her； ‘if we had the door between us。 For
instance； if you were INSIDE； you might knock； and I could let
you out； you know。' He was looking up into the sky all the time
he was speaking； and this Alice thought decidedly uncivil。 ‘But
perhaps he can't help it；' she said to herself； ‘his eyes are so
VERY nearly at the top of his head。 But at any rate he might
answer questions。How am I to get in？' she repeated； aloud。
‘I shall sit here；' the Footman remarked； ‘till tomorrow'
At this moment the door of the house opened； and a large plate
came skimming out； straight at the Footman's head： it just
grazed his nose； and broke to pieces against one of the trees
behind him。
‘or next day； maybe；' the Footman continued in the same tone；
exactly as if nothing had happened。
‘How am I to get in？' asked Alice again； in a louder tone。
‘ARE you to get in at all？' said the Footman。 ‘That's the
first question； you know。'
It was； no doubt： only Alice did not like to be told so。
‘It's really dreadful；' she muttered to herself； ‘the way all the
creatures argue。 It's enough to drive one crazy！'
The Footman seemed to think this a good opportunity for
repeating his remark； with variations。 ‘I shall sit here；' he
said； ‘on and off； for days and days。'
‘But what am I to do？' said Alice。
‘Anything you like；' said the Footman； and began whistling。
‘Oh； there's no use in talking to him；' said Alice desperately：
‘he's perfectly idiotic！' And she opened the door and went in。
The door led right into a large kitchen； which was full of
smoke from one end to the other： the Duchess was sitting on a
three…legged stool in the middle； nursing a baby； the cook was
leaning over the fire； stirring a large cauldron which seemed to
be full of soup。
‘There's certainly too much pepper in that soup！' Alice said to
herself； as well as she could for sneezing。
There was certainly too much of it in the air。 Even the
Duchess sneezed occasionally； and as for the baby； it was
sneezing and howling alternately without a moment's pause。 The
only things in the kitchen that did not sneeze； were the cook；
and a large cat which was sitting on the hearth and grinning from
ear to ear。
‘Please would you tell me；' said Alice； a little timidly； for
she was not quite sure whether it was good manners for her to
speak first； ‘why your cat grins like that？'
‘It's a Cheshire cat；' said the Duchess； ‘and that's why。 Pig！'
She said the last word with such sudden violence that Alice
quite jumped； but she saw in another moment that it was addressed
to the baby； and not to her； so she took courage； and went on
again：
‘I didn't know that Cheshire cats always grinned； in fact； I
didn't know that cats COULD grin。'
‘They all can；' said the Duchess； ‘and most of 'em do。'
‘I don't know of any that do；' Alice said very politely；
feeling quite pleased to have got into a conversation。
‘You don't know much；' said the Duchess； ‘and that's a fact。'
Alice did not at all like the tone of this remark； and thought
it would be as well to introduce some other subject of
conversation。 While she was trying to fix on one； the cook took
the cauldron of soup off the fire； and at once set to work
throwing everything within her reach at the Duchess and the baby
the fire…irons came first； then followed a shower of saucepans；
plates； and dishes。 The Duchess took no notice of them even when
they hit her； and the baby was howling so much already； that it
was quite impossible to say whether the blows hurt it or not。
‘Oh； PLEASE mind what you're doing！' cried Alice； jumping up
and down in an agony of terror。 ‘Oh； there goes his PRECIOUS
nose'； as an unusually large saucepan flew close by it； and very
nearly carried it off。
‘If everybody minded their own business；' the Duchess said in a
hoarse growl； ‘the world would go round a deal faster than it
does。'
‘Which would NOT be an advantage；' said Alice； who felt very
glad to get an opportunity of showing off a little of her
knowledge。 ‘Just think of what work it would make with the day
and night！ You see the earth takes twenty…four hours to turn
round on its axis'
‘Talking of axes；' said the Duchess； ‘chop off her head！'
Alice glanced rather anxiously at the cook； to see if she meant
to take the hint； but the cook was busily stirring the soup； and
seemed not to be listening； so she went on again： ‘Twenty…four
hours； I THINK； or is it twelve？ I'
‘Oh； don't bother ME；' said the Duchess； ‘I never could abide
figures！' And with that she began nursing her child again；
singing a sort of lullaby to it as she did so； and giving it a
violent shake at the end of every line：
‘Speak roughly to your little boy；
And beat him when he sneezes：
He only does it to annoy；
Because he knows it teases。'
CHORUS。
（In which the cook and the baby joined）：
‘Wow！ wow！ wow！'
While the Duchess sang the second verse of the song； she kept
tossing the baby violently up and down； and the poor little thing
howled so； that Alice could hardly hear the words：
‘I speak severely to my boy；
I beat him when he sneezes；
For he can thoroughly enjoy
The pepper when he pleases！'
CHORUS。
‘Wow！ wow！ wow！'
‘Here！ you may nurse it a bit； if you like！' the Duchess said
to Alice； flinging the baby at her as she spoke。 ‘I must go and
get ready to play croquet with the Queen；' and she hurried out of
the room。 The cook threw a frying…pan after her as she went out；
but it just missed her。
Alice caught the baby with some difficulty； as it was a queer…
shaped little creature； and held out its arms and legs in all
directions； ‘just like a star…fish；' thought Alice。 The poor
little thing was snorting like a steam…engine when she caught it；
and kept doubling itself up and straightening itself out again；
so that altogether； for the first minute or two； it was as much
as she could do to hold it。
As soon as she had made out the proper way of nursing it；
（which was to twist it up into a sort of knot； and then keep
tight hold of its right ear and left foot； so as to prevent its
undoing itself；） she carried it out into the open air。 ‘IF I
don't take this child away with me；' thought Alice； ‘they're sure
to kill it in a day or two： wouldn't it be murder to leave it
behind？' She said the last words out loud； and the little thing
grunted in reply （it had left off sneezing by this time）。 ‘Don't
grunt；' said Alice； ‘that's not at all a proper way of expressing
yourself。'
The baby grunted again； and Ali