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eep off importunate duns。*
* Some attempts to destroy the public credit at that time。 Manners of the Earl of Oxford。
As John Bull and his wife were talking together they were surprised with a sudden knocking at the door。 〃Those wicked scriveners and lawyers； no doubt；〃 quoth John； and so it was； some asking for the money he owed； and others warning to prepare for the approaching term。 〃What a cursed life do I lead！〃 quoth John； 〃debt is like deadly sin。 For God's sake； Sir Roger； get me rid of the fellows。〃 〃I'll warrant you；〃 quoth Sir Roger； 〃leave them to me。〃 And； indeed； it was pleasant enough to observe Sir Roger's method with these importunate duns。 His sincere friendship for John Bull made him submit to many things for his service which he would have scorned to have done for himself。 Sometimes he would stand at the door with his long staff to keep off the duns； until John got out at the back door。 When the lawyers and tradesmen brought extravagant bills Sir Roger used to bargain beforehand for leave to cut off a quarter of a yard in any part of the bill he pleased； he wore a pair of scissors in his pocket for this purpose； and would snip it off so nicely as you cannot imagine。 Like a true goldsmith he kept all your holidays； there was not one wanting in his calendar； when ready money was scarce； he would set them a…telling a thousand pounds in sixpences； groats； and threepenny…pieces。 It would have done your heart good to have seen him charge through an army of lawyers； attorneys； clerks； and tradesmen； sometimes with sword in hand； at other times nuzzling like an eel in the mud。 When a fellow stuck like a bur； that there was no shaking him off； he used to be mighty inquisitive about the health of his uncles and aunts in the country； he could call them all by their names； for he knew everybody； and could talk to them in their own way。 The extremely impertinent he would send away to see some strange sight； as the Dragon of Hockley the Hole； or bid him call the 3Oth of next February。 Now and then you would see him in the kitchen； weighing the beef and butter； paying ready money； that the maids might not run a tick at the market； and the butchers； by bribing of them； sell damaged and light meat。* Another time he would slip into the cellar and gauge the casks。 In his leisure minutes he was posting his books and gathering in his debts。 Such frugal methods were necessary where money was so scarce and duns so numerous。 All this while John kept his credit； could show his head both at 'Change and Westminster Hall； no man protested his bill nor refused his bond； only the sharpers and the scriveners； the lawyers and other clerks pelted Sir Roger as he went along。 The squirters were at it with their kennel water； for they were mad for the loss of their bubble； and that they could not get him to mortgage the manor of Bullock's Hatch。 Sir Roger shook his ears and nuzzled along； well satisfied within himself that he was doing a charitable work in rescuing an honest man from the claws of harpies and bloodsuckers。 Mrs。 Bull did all that an affectionate wife； and a good housewife； could do； yet the boundaries of virtues are indivisible lines。 It is impossible to march up close to the frontiers of frugality without entering the territories of parsimony。 Your good housewives are apt to look into the minutest things； therefore some blamed Mrs。 Bull for new heel…pieceing of her shoes； grudging a quarter of a pound of soap and sand to scour the rooms**； but； especially； that she would not allow her maids and apprentices the benefit of 〃John Bunyan；〃 the 〃London Apprentices；〃 or the 〃Seven Champions；〃 in the black letter。***
* Some regulations as to the purveyance in the Queen's family。 ** Too great savings in the House of Commons。 *** Restraining the liberty of the Press by Act of Parliament。
CHAPTER VIII。 A continuation of the conversation betwixt John Bull and his wife。
MRS。 BULL。It is a most sad life we lead； my dear； to be so teazed； paying interest for old debts； and still contracting new ones。 However； I don't blame you for vindicating your honour and chastising old Lewis。 To curb the insolent； protect the oppressed； recover one's own； and defend what one has； are good effects of the law。 The only thing I want to know is how you came to make an end of your money before you finished your suit。
JOHN BULL。I was told by the learned in the law that my suit stood upon three firm pillars： more money for more law； more law for more money； and no composition。 More money for more law was plain to a demonstration； for who can go to law without money？ and it was plain that any man that has money may have law for it。 The third was as evident as the other two； for what composition could be made with a rogue that never kept a word he said？
MRS。 BULL。I think you are most likely to get out of this labyrinth by the second door； by want of ready money to purchase this precious commodity。 But you seem not only to have bought too much of it； but have paid too dear for what you bought； else how was it possible to run so much in debt when at this very time the yearly income of what is mortgaged to those usurers would discharge Hocus's bills； and give you your bellyfull of law for all your life； without running one sixpence in debt？ You have been bred up to business； I suppose you can cypher； I wonder you never used your pen and ink。
JOHN BULL。Now you urge me too far； prithee； dear wife； hold thy tongue。 Suppose a young heir； heedless； raw； and inexperienced； full of spirit and vigour； with a favourite passion； in the hands of money scriveners。 Such fellows are like your wire…drawing mills： if they get hold of a man's finger they will pull in his whole body at last； till they squeeze the heart； blood； and guts out of him。 When I wanted money； half a dozen of these fellows were always waiting in my ante…chamber with their securities ready drawn。* I was tempted with the ready； some farm or other went to pot。 I received with one hand； and paid it away with the other to lawyers that； like so many hell hounds； were ready to devour me。 Then the rogues would plead poverty and scarcity of money； which always ended in receiving ninety for the hundred。 After they had got possession of my best rents they were able to supply me with my own money。 But； what was worse； when I looked into the securities there was no clause of redemption。
* Methods of preying upon the necessities of the Government。
MRS。 BULL。No clause of redemption； say you？ That's hard。
JOHN BULL。No great matter。 For I cannot pay them。 They had got a worse trick than that。 The same man bought and sold to himself； paid the money； and gave the acquittance； the same man was butcher and grazier； brewer and butler； cook and poulterer。 There is something still worse than all this。 There came twenty bills upon me at once； which I had given money to discharge。 I was like to be pulled to pieces by brewer； butcher； and baker； even my herb…woman dunned me as I went along the streets。 Thanks to my friend Sir Roger； else I must have gone to jail。 When I asked the meaning of this； I was told the money went to the lawyers。 〃Counsel won't tick； sir。〃 Hocus was urging； my book…keeper sat sotting all day； playing at Put and All…fours。 In short； by griping usurers； devouring lawyers； and negligent servants I am brought to this pass。
MRS。 BULL。This was hard usage。 But methinks the least reflection might have retrieved you。
JOHN BULL。'Tis true； yet consider my circumstancesmy honour was engaged； and I did not know how to get out。 Besides； I was for five years often drunk； always muddled； they carried me from tavern to tavern； to ale…houses and brandy…shops； and brought me acquainted with such strange dogs。 〃There goes the prettiest fellow in the world；〃 says one； 〃for managing a jury： make him yours。 There's another can pick you up witnesses。 Serjeant such…a…one has a silver tongue at the bar。〃* I believe； in time I should have retained every single person within the Inns of Court。 The night after a trial I treated the lawyers； their wives； and daughters； with fiddles； hautboys； drums； and trumpets。 I was always hot…headed。 Then they placed me in the middle； the attorneys and their clerks dancing about me； whooping and holloing； 〃Long live John Bull； the glory and support of the law！〃
* Hiring still more troops。
MRS。 BULL。Really； husband； you went through a very notable course。
JOHN BULL。One of the things that first alarmed me was that they showed a spite against my poor old mother。* 〃Lord；〃 quoth I； 〃what makes you so jealous of a poor； old； innocent gentlewoman； that minds only her prayers and her Practice of Piety？ She never meddles in any of your concerns。〃 〃Fob；〃 say they； 〃to see a handsome； brisk； genteel young fellow so much governed by a doting old woman！ Do you consider she keeps you out of a good jointure？ She has the best of your estate settled upon her for a rent…charge。 Hang her； old thief！ turn her out of doors； seize her lands； and let her go to law if she dares。〃 〃Soft and fair； gentlemen；〃 quoth I； 〃my mother's my mother； our family are not of an unnatural temper。 Though I don't take all her advice； I won't s