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my mother； our family are not of an unnatural temper。 Though I don't take all her advice； I won't seize her jointure； long may she enjoy it； good woman； I don't grudge it her。 She allows me now and then a brace of hundreds for my lawsuit； that's pretty fair。〃 About this time the old gentlewoman fell ill of an odd sort of a distemper。**
* Railing against the Church。 ** Carelessness in forms and discipline。
It began with a coldness and numbness in her limbs； which by degrees affected the nerves （I think the physicians call them）； seized the brain； and at last ended in a lethargy。 It betrayed itself at first in a sort of indifference and carelessness in all her actions； coldness to her best friends； and an aversion to stir or go about the common offices of life。 She； that was the cleanliest creature in the world； never shrank now if you set a close…stool under her nose。 She that would sometimes rattle off her servants pretty sharply； now if she saw them drink； or heard them talk profanely； never took any notice of it。 Instead of her usual charities to deserving persons； she threw away her money upon roaring； swearing bullies and beggars； that went about the streets。* 〃What is the matter with the old gentlewoman？〃 said everybody； 〃she never used to do in this manner。〃 At last the distemper grew more violent； and threw her downright into raving fits； in which she shrieked out so loud that she disturbed the whole neighbourhood。** In her fits she called upon one Sir William。*** 〃Oh！ Sir William； thou hast betrayed me； killed me； stabbed me！ See； see！ Clum with his bloody knife！ Seize him！ seize him！ stop him！ Behold the fury with her hissing snakes！ Where's my son John？ Is he well； is he well？ Poor man！ I pity him！〃 And abundance more of such strange stuff； that nobody could make anything of。
* Disposing of some preferments to libertine and unprincipled persons。 ** The too violent clamour about the danger of the Church。 *** Sir William； a cant name of Sir Humphry's for Lord Treasurer Godolphin。
I knew little of the matter； for when I inquired about her health； the answer was that she was in a good moderate way。 Physicians were sent for in haste。 Sir Roger； with great difficulty； brought Ratcliff； Garth came upon the first message。 There were several others called in； but； as usual upon such occasions； they differed strangely at the consultation。 At last they divided into two parties； one sided with Garth； the other with Ratcliff。* Dr。 Garth said； 〃This case seems to me to be plainly hysterical； the old woman is whimsical； it is a common thing for your old women to be so； I'll pawn my life； blisters； with the steel diet； will recover her。〃 Others suggested strong purging and letting of blood； because she was plethoric。 Some went so far as to say the old woman was mad； and nothing would be better than a little corporal correction。 Ratcliff said； 〃Gentlemen； you are mistaken in this case； it is plainly an acute distemper； and she cannot hold out three days unless she is supported with strong cordials。〃 I came into the room with a good deal of concern； and asked them what they thought of my mother？ 〃In no manner of danger； I vow to God；〃 quoth Garth； 〃the old woman is hysterical； fanciful； sir； I vow to God。〃 〃I tell you； sir；〃 says Ratcliff； 〃she cannot live three days to an end； unless there is some very effectual course taken with her； she has a malignant fever。〃 Then 〃fool；〃 〃puppy；〃 and 〃blockhead；〃 were the best words they gave。 I could hardly restrain them from throwing the ink…bottles at one another's heads。 I forgot to tell you that one party of the physicians desired I would take my sister Peg into the house to nurse her； but the old gentlewoman would not hear of that。 At last one physician asked if the lady had ever been used to take laudanum？ Her maid answered； not that she knew； but； indeed； there was a High German liveryman of hers； one Van Ptschirnsooker；** that gave her a sort of a quack powder。 The physician desired to see it。 〃Nay；〃 says he； 〃there is opium in this； I am sure。〃
* Garth； the Low Church party。 Ratcliff； High Church party。 ** Van Ptschirnsooker； a bishop at that time； a great dealer in politics and physic。
MRS。 BULL。I hope you examined a little into this matter？
JOHN BULL。I did； indeed； and discovered a great mystery of iniquity。 The witnesses made oath that they had heard some of the liverymen* frequently railing at their mistress。 They said she was a troublesome fiddle…faddle old woman； and so ceremonious that there was no bearing of her。 They were so plagued with bowing and cringing as they went in and out of the room that their backs ached。 She used to scold at one for his dirty shoes； at another for his greasy hair and not combing his head。 Then she was so passionate and fiery in her temper that there was no living with her。 She wanted something to sweeten her blood。 That they never had a quiet night's rest for getting up in the morning to early Sacraments。 They wished they could find some way or another to keep the old woman quiet in her bed。 Such discourses were often overheard among the liverymen； while the said Van Ptschirnsooker had undertook this matter。 A maid made affidavit 〃That she had seen the said Van Ptschirnsooker； one of the liverymen； frequently making up of medicines and administering them to all the neighbours； that she saw him one morning make up the powder which her mistress took； that she had the curiosity to ask him whence he had the ingredients。 'They come；' says he； 'from several parts of de world。 Dis I have from Geneva； dat from Rome； this white powder from Amsterdam； and the red from Edinburgh； but the chief ingredient of all comes from Turkey。〃 It was likewise proved that the said Van Ptschirnsooker had been frequently seen at the 〃Rose〃 with Jack； who was known to bear an inveterate spite to his mistress。 That he brought a certain powder to his mistress which the examinant believes to be the same； and spoke the following words：〃Madam； here is grand secret van de world； my sweetening powder； it does temperate de humour； dispel the windt； and cure de vapour； it lulleth and quieteth the animal spirits； procuring rest and pleasant dreams。 It is de infallible receipt for de scurvy； all heats in de bloodt； and breaking out upon de skin。 It is de true bloodstancher； stopping all fluxes of de blood。 If you do take dis； you will never ail anyding； it will cure you of all diseases。〃 And abundance more to this purpose； which the examinant does not remember。
* The clergy。
John Bull was interrupted in his story by a porter； that brought him a letter from Nicholas Frog； which is as follows。
CHAPTER IX。
A Copy* of Nic。 Frog's Letter to John Bull。
＇John Bull reads。＇
FRIEND JOHN；What schellum is it that makes thee jealous of thy old friend Nicholas？ Hast thou forgot how some years ago he took thee out of the sponging…house？** ＇'Tis true； my friend Nic。 did so； and I thank him； but he made me pay a swinging reckoning。＇ Thou beginnest now to repent thy bargain that thou wast so fond of； and； if thou durst； would forswear thy own hand and seal。 Thou sayest that thou hast purchased me too great an estate already； when； at the same time； thou knowest I have only a mortgage。 'Tis true I have possession； and the tenants own me for master； but has not Esquire South the equity of redemption？ ＇No doubt； and will redeem it very speedily； poor Nic。 has only possessioneleven points of the law。＇ As for the turnpikes*** I have set up； they are for other people； not for my friend John。 I have ordered my servant constantly to attend； to let thy carriages through without paying anything； only I hope thou wilt not come too heavy laden to spoil my ways。 Certainly I have just cause of offence against thee； my friend； for supposing it possible that thou and I should ever quarrel。 What houndsfoot is it that puts these whims in thy head？ Ten thousand last of devils haul me； if I don't love thee as I love my life。 ＇No question； as the Devil loves holy…water！＇ Does not thy own hand and seal oblige thee to purchase for me till I say it is enough？ Are not these words plain？ I say it is not enough。 Dost thou think thy friend Nicholas Frog made a child's bargain？ Mark the words of thy contract； tota pecunia （with all thy money）。 ＇Very well！ I have purchased with my own money； my children's and my grandchildren's moneyis not that enough？ Well； tota pecunia let it be； for at present I have none at all； he would not have me purchase with other people's money； sure？ Since tota pecunia is the bargain； I think it is plainno more money； no more purchase。＇ And whatever the world may say； Nicholas Frog is but a poor man in comparison of the rich； the opulent John Bull； great clothier of the world。 I have had many losses； six of my best sheep were drowned； and the water has come into my cellar； and spoiled a pipe of my best brandy。 It would be a more friendly act in thee to carry a brief about the country to repair the losses of thy poor friend。 Is it not evident to all the world that I am still hemmed in by Lewis Baboon？ Is he not just upon my borders？ ＇And so he will be if I purchase a thousand acres more； unless he gets some