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the history of john bull-第16章

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The hue and cry went after Jack to apprehend him dead or alive; wherever he could be found。  The constables looked out for him in all his usual haunts; but to no purpose。  Where d'ye think they found him at last?  Even smoking his pipe; very quietly; at his brother Martin's; from whence he was carried with a vast mob at his heels; before the worshipful Mr。 Justice Overdo。  Several of his neighbours made oath;* that of late; the prisoner had been observed to lead a very dissolute life; renouncing even his usual hypocrisy and pretences to sobriety; that he frequented taverns and eating…houses; and had been often guilty of drunkenness and gluttony at my Lord Mayor's table; that he had been seen in the company of lewd women; that he had transferred his usual care of the engrossed copy of his father's will to bank bills; orders for tallies; and debentures:**  these he now affirmed; with more literal truth; to be meat; drink; and cloth; the philosopher's stone; and the universal medicine;*** that he was so far from showing his customary reverence to the will; that he kept company with those that called his father a cheating rogue; and his will a forgery; that he not only sat quietly and heard his father railed at; but often chimed in with the discourse; and hugged the authors as his bosom friends;**** that instead of asking for blows at the corners of the streets; he now bestowed them as plentifully as he begged them before。***  In short; that he was grown a mere rake; and had nothing left in him of old Jack except his spite to John Bull's mother。

* The manners of the Dissenters changed from their former strictness。 ** Dealing much in stock…jobbing。 *** 〃Tale of a Tub。〃 **** Herding with deists and atheists。

Another witness made oath; that Jack had been overheard bragging of a trick* he had found out to manage the 〃old formal jade;〃 as he used to call her。  〃Hang this numb…skull of mine;〃 quoth he; 〃that I could not light on it sooner。  As long as I go in this ragged tattered coat; I am so well known; that I am hunted away from the old woman's door by every barking cur about the house; they bid me defiance。  There's no doing mischief as an open enemy; I must find some way or other of getting within doors; and then I shall have better opportunities of playing my pranks; besides the benefit of good keeping。〃

* Getting into places and Church preferments by occasional conformity。

Two witnesses swore* that several years ago; there came to their mistress's door a young fellow in a tattered coat; that went by the name of Timothy Trim; whom they did in their conscience believe to be the very prisoner; resembling him in shape; stature; and the features of his countenance。  That the said Timothy Trim being taken into the family; clapped their mistress's livery over his own tattered coat; that the said Timothy was extremely officious about their mistress's person; endeavouring by flattery and tale…bearing to set her against the rest of the servants:  nobody was so ready to fetch anything that was wanted; to reach what was dropped。  That he used to shove and elbow his fellow…servants to get near his mistress; especially when money was a paying or receivingthen he was never out of the way; that he was extremely diligent about everybody's business but his own。  That the said Timothy; while he was in the family; used to be playing roguish tricks; when his mistress's back was turned; he would loll out his tongue; make mouths; and laugh at her; walking behind her like Harlequin; ridiculing her motions and gestures; but if his mistress looked about; he put on a grave; demure countenance; as if he had been in a fit of devotion; that he used often to trip up…stairs so smoothly that you could not hear him tread; and put all things out of order; that he would pinch the children and servants; when he met them in the dark; so hard; that he left the print of his forefingers and his thumb in black and blue; and then slink into a corner; as if nobody had done it。  Out of the same malicious design he used to lay chairs and joint…stools in their way; that they might break their noses by falling over them。  The more young and inexperienced he used to teach to talk saucily; and call names。  During his stay in the family there was much plate missing; being caught with a couple of silver spoons in his pocket; with their handles wrenched off; he said he was only going to carry them to the goldsmiths to be mended: that the said Timothy was hated by all the honest servants; for his ill…conditioned; splenetic tricks; but especially for his slanderous tongue; traducing them to their mistress as drunkards and thieves: that the said Timothy; by lying stories; used to set all the family together by the ears; taking delight to make them fight and quarrel; **particularly one day sitting at table; he spoke words to this effect:  〃I am of opinion;〃 quoth he; 〃that little short fellows; such as we are; have better hearts; and could beat the tall fellows; I wish it came to a fair trial; I believe these long fellows; as sightly as they are; should find their jackets well thwacked。〃

* Betraying the interests of the Church when got into preferments。 ** The original of the distinction in the names of Low Churchmen and High Churchmen。

A parcel of tall fellows; who thought themselves affronted by the discourse; took up the quarrel; and to it they went; the tall men and the low men; which continues still a faction in the family; to the great disorder of our mistress's affairs。  The said Timothy carried this frolic so far; that he proposed to his mistress that she should entertain no servant that was above four feet seven inches high; and for that purpose had prepared a gauge; by which they were to be measured。  The good old gentlewoman was not so simple as to go into his projectsshe began to smell a rat。  〃This Trim;〃 quoth she; 〃is an odd sort of a fellow; methinks he makes a strange figure with that ragged; tattered coat appearing under his livery; can't he go spruce and clean; like the rest of the servants? The fellow has a roguish leer with him which I don't like by any means; besides; he has such a twang in his discourse; and an ungraceful way of speaking through the nose; that one can hardly understand him; I wish the fellow be not tainted with some bad disease。〃  The witnesses further made oath; that the said Timothy lay out a…nights; and went abroad often at unseasonable hours; and it was credibly reported he did business in another family:  that he pretended to have a squeamish stomach; and could not eat at table with the rest of the servants; though this was but a pretence to provide some nice bit for himself; that he refused to dine upon salt fish; only to have an opportunity to eat a calf's head (his favourite dish) in private; that for all his tender stomach; when he was got by himself; he could devour capons; turkeys; and sirloins of beef; like a cormorant。

Two other witnesses gave the following evidence:  That in his officious attendance upon his mistress; he had tried to slip a powder into her drink; and that he was once caught endeavouring to stifle her with a pillow as she was asleep; that he and Ptschirnsooker were often in close conference; and that they used to drink together at the 〃Rose;〃 where it seems he was well enough known by his true name of Jack。

The prisoner had little to say in his defence; he endeavoured to prove himself alibi; so that the trial turned upon this single question; whether the said Timothy Trim and Jack were the same person; which was proved by such plain tokens; and particularly by a mole under the left pap; that there was no withstanding the evidence; therefore the worshipful Mr。 Justice committed him; in order to his trial。



CHAPTER XII。 How Jack's friends came to visit him in prison; and what advice they gave him。

Jack hitherto had passed in the world for a poor; simple; well…meaning; half…witted; crack…brained fellow。  People were strangely surprised to find him in such a roguerythat he should disguise himself under a false name; hire himself out for a servant to an old gentlewoman; only for an opportunity to poison her。  They said that it was more generous to profess open enmity than under a profound dissimulation to be guilty of such a scandalous breach of trust; and of the sacred rights of hospitality; in short; the action was universally condemned by his best friends。  They told him in plain terms that this was come as a judgment upon him for his loose life; his gluttony; drunkenness; and avarice; for laying aside his father's will in an old mouldy trunk; and turning stock…jobber; newsmonger; and busybody; meddling with other people's affairs; shaking off his old serious friends; and keeping company with buffoons and pickpockets; his father's sworn enemies; that he had best throw himself upon the mercy of the court; repent; and change his manners。  To say truth; Jack heard these discourses with some compunction; however; he resolved to try what his new acquaintance would do for him。  They sent Habakkuk Slyboots;* who delivered him the following message; as the peremptory commands of his trusty companions:

* Habakkuk Slyboots; a certain great man who persuaded the Dissenters to consent to the Bill against 
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