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* Polemia。
The second daughter；* born a year after her sister； was a peevish； froward； ill…conditioned creature as ever was； ugly as the devil； lean； haggard； pale； with saucer eyes； a sharp nose； and hunched backed； but active； sprightly； and diligent about her affairs。 Her ill complexion was occasioned by her bad diet； which was coffee** morning； noon； and night。 She never rested quietly a…bed； but used to disturb the whole family with shrieking out in her dreams； and plague them next day with interpreting them； for she took them all for gospel； she would cry out 〃Murder！〃 and disturb the whole neighbourhood； and when John came running downstairs to inquire what the matter was； nothing forsooth； only her maid had stuck a pin wrong in her gown； she turned away one servant for putting too much oil in her salad； and another for putting too little salt in her water…gruel； but such as by flattery had procured her esteem； she would indulge in the greatest crime。 Her father had two coachmen； when one was in the coach…box； if the coach swung but the least to one side； she used to shriek so loud； that all the street concluded she was overturned； but though the other was eternally drunk； and had overturned the whole family； she was very angry with her father for turning him away。 Then she used to carry tales and stories from one to another； till she had set the whole neighbourhood together by the ears； and this was the only diversion she took pleasure in。 She never went abroad； but she brought home such a bundle of monstrous lies； as would have amazed any mortal； but such as know her： of a whale that had swallowed a fleet of ships； of the lions being let out of the Tower； to destroy the Protestant religion； of the Pope's being seen in a brandy…shop at Wapping； and a prodigious strong man that was going to shove down the cupola of St。 Paul's； of three millions of five pound pieces that Squire South had found under an old wall； of blazing stars； flying dragons； and abundance of such stuff。 All the servants in the family made high court to her； for she domineered there； and turned out and in whom she pleased； only there was an old grudge between her and Sir Roger； whom she mortally hated and used to hire fellows to squirt kennel water upon him as he passed along the streets； so that he was forced constantly to wear a surtout of oiled cloth； by which means he came home pretty clean； except where the surtout was a little scanty。
* Discordia。 ** Coffee…house tattle。
As for the third* she was a thief and a common mercenary。 She had no respect of persons： a prince or a porter was all one； according as they paid； yea； she would leave the finest gentleman in the world to go to an ugly fellow for sixpence more。 In the practice of her profession she had amassed vast magazines of all sorts of things： she had above five hundred suits of fine clothes； and yet went abroad like a cinder wench。 She robbed and starved all the servants； so that nobody could live near her。
* Usuria。
So much for John's three daughters； which you will say were rarities to be fond of。 Yet Nature will shew itself。 Nobody could blame their relations for taking care of them； and therefore it was that Hocus； with two other of the guardians； thought it their duty to take care of the interest of the three girls and give John their best advice before he compounded the lawsuit。
HOCUS。What makes you so shy of late； my good friend？ There's nobody loves you better than I； nor has taken more pains in your affairs。 As I hope to be saved I would do anything to serve you； I would crawl upon all fours to serve you； I have spent my health and paternal estate in your service。 I have； indeed； a small pittance left； with which I might retire； and with as good a conscience as any man； but the thoughts of this disgraceful composition so touches me to the quick that I cannot sleep。 After I had brought the cause to the last stroke； that one verdict more had quite ruined old Lewis and Lord Strutt； and put you in the quiet possession of everything then to compound！ I cannot bear it。 This cause was my favourite； I had set my heart upon it； it is like an only child； I cannot endure it should miscarry。 For God's sake consider only to what a dismal condition old Lewis is brought。 He is at an end of all his cash； his attorneys have hardly one trick left； they are at an end of all their chicane； besides； he has both his law and his daily bread now upon trust。 Hold out only one term longer； and I'll warrant you before the next we shall have him in the Fleet。 I'll bring him to the pillory； his ears shall pay for his perjuries。 For the love of God don't compound。 Let me be damned if you have a friend in the world that loves you better than I。 There is nobody can say I am covetous or that I have any interests to pursue but yours。
SECOND GUARDIAN。There is nothing so plain as that this Lewis has a design to ruin all his neighbouring tradesmen； and at this time he has such a prodigious income by his trade of all kinds； that； if there is not some stop put to his exorbitant riches； he will monopolise everything； nobody will be able to sell a yard of drapery or mercery ware but himself。 I then hold it advisable that you continue the lawsuit and burst him at once。 My concern for the three poor motherless children obliges me to give you this advice； for their estates； poor girls； depend upon the success of this cause。
THIRD GUARDIAN。I own this Writ of Ejectment has cost dear； but then consider it is a jewel well worth the purchasing at the price of all you have。 None but Mr。 Bull's declared enemies can say he has any other security for his clothing trade but the ejectment of Lord Strutt。 The only question； then； that remains to be decided is： who shall stand the expenses of the suit？ To which the answer is as plain： who but he that is to have the advantage of the sentence？ When Esquire South has got possession of his title and honour is not John Bull to be his clothier？ Who； then； but John ought to put in possession？ Ask but any indifferent gentleman； Who ought to bear his charges at law？ and he will readily answer； His tradesmen。 I do therefore affirm； and I will go to death with it； that； being his clothier； you ought to put him in quiet possession of his estate； and with the same generous spirit you have begun it complete the good work。 If you persist in the bad measures you are now in； what must become of the three poor orphans！ My heart bleeds for the poor girls。
JOHN BULL。You are all very eloquent persons； but give me leave to tell you you express a great deal more concern for the three girls than for me。 I think my interest ought to be considered in the first place。 As for you； Hocus； I can't but say you have managed my lawsuit with great address and much to my honour； and； though I say it； you have been well paid for it。 Why must the burden be taken off Frog's back and laid upon my shoulders？ He can drive about his own parks and fields in his gilt chariot； when I have been forced to mortgage my estate； his note will go farther than my bond。 Is it not matter of fact； that from the richest tradesman in all the country； I am reduced to beg and borrow from scriveners and usurers that suck the heart； blood； and guts out of me； and what is all this for！ Did you like Frog's countenance better than mine？ Was not I your old friend and relation？ Have I not presented you nobly？ Have I not clad your whole family？ Have you not had a hundred yards at a time of the finest cloth in my shop？ Why must the rest of the tradesmen be not only indemnified from charges； but forbid to go on with their own business； and what is more their concern than mine？ As to holding out this term I appeal to your own conscience； has not that been your constant discourse these six years； 〃One term more and old Lewis goes to pot？〃 If thou art so fond of my cause be generous for once； and lend me a brace of thousands。 Ah； Hocus！ Hocus！ I know thee： not a sous to save me from jail； I trow。 Look ye； gentlemen； I have lived with credit in the world； and it grieves my heart never to stir out of my doors but to be pulled by the sleeve by some rascally dun or other。 〃Sir； remember my bill。 There's a small concern of a thousand pounds； I hope you think on't； sir。〃 And to have these usurers transact my debts at coffee…houses and ale…houses； as if I were going to break up shop。 Lord！ that ever the rich； the generous John Bull； clothier； the envy of all his neighbours； should be brought to compound his debts for five shillings in the pound； and to have his name in an advertisement for a statute of bankrupt。 The thought of it makes me mad。 I have read somewhere in the Apocrypha； 〃That one should not consult with a woman touching her of whom she is jealous； nor with a merchant concerning exchange； nor with a buyer； of selling； nor with an unmerciful man； of kindness； etc。〃 I could have added one thing more： nor with an attorney about compounding a lawsuit。 The ejectment of Lord Strutt will never do。 The evidence is crimp： the witnesses swear backwards and forwards； and contradict themselves； and his tenants stick by him。 One tells me that I must carry on my suit； because Lewis is p