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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
THE IDLE THOUGHTS
OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
by JEROME K。 JEROME。
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
PREFACE
One or two friends to whom I showed these papers in MS。 having
observed that they were not half bad； and some of my relations having
promised to buy the book if it ever came out； I feel I have no right to
longer delay its issue。 But for this； as one may say； public demand； I
perhaps should not have ventured to offer these mere 〃idle thoughts〃 of
mine as mental food for the English…speaking peoples of the earth。 What
readers ask nowadays in a book is that it should improve； instruct； and
elevate。 This book wouldn't elevate a cow。 I cannot conscientiously
recommend it for any useful purposes whatever。 All I can suggest is that
when you get tired of reading 〃the best hundred books；〃 you may take this
up for half an hour。 It will be a change。
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
ON BEING IDLE。
Now； this is a subject on which I flatter myself I really am _au fait_。
The gentleman who； when I was young； bathed me at wisdom's font for
nine guineas a termno extrasused to say he never knew a boy who
could do less work in more time； and I remember my poor grandmother
once incidentally observing； in the course of an instruction upon the use of
the Prayer…book； that it was highly improbable that I should ever do much
that I ought not to do； but that she felt convinced beyond a doubt that I
should leave undone pretty well everything that I ought to do。
I am afraid I have somewhat belied half the dear old lady's prophecy。
Heaven help me！ I have done a good many things that I ought not to have
done； in spite of my laziness。 But I have fully confirmed the accuracy of
her judgment so far as neglecting much that I ought not to have neglected
is concerned。 Idling always has been my strong point。 I take no credit to
myself in the matterit is a gift。 Few possess it。 There are plenty of lazy
people and plenty of slow…coaches； but a genuine idler is a rarity。 He is not
a man who slouches about with his hands in his pockets。 On the contrary；
his most startling characteristic is that he is always intensely busy。
It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of
work to do。 There is no fun in doing nothing when you have nothing to do。
Wasting time is merely an occupation then； and a most exhausting one。
Idleness； like kisses； to be sweet must be stolen。
Many years ago； when I was a young man； I was taken very illI
never could see myself that much was the matter with me； except that I
had a beastly cold。 But I suppose it was something very serious； for the
doctor said that I ought to have come to him a month before； and that if it
（whatever it was） had gone on for another week he would not have
answered for the consequences。 It is an extraordinary thing； but I never
knew a doctor called into any case yet but what it transpired that another
day's delay would have rendered cure hopeless。 Our medical guide；
philosopher； and friend is like the hero in a melodramahe always comes
upon the scene just； and only just； in the nick of time。 It is Providence； that
is what it is。
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
Well； as I was saying； I was very ill and was ordered to Buxton for a
month； with strict injunctions to do nothing whatever all the while that I
was there。 〃Rest is what you require；〃 said the doctor； 〃perfect rest。〃
It seemed a delightful prospect。 〃This man evidently understands my
complaint；〃 said I； and I pictured to myself a glorious timea four weeks'
_dolce far niente_ with a dash of illness in it。 Not too much illness； but
just illness enoughjust sufficient to give it the flavor of suffering and
make it poetical。 I should get up late； sip chocolate； and have my breakfast
in slippers and a dressing…gown。 I should lie out in the garden in a
hammock and read sentimental novels with a melancholy ending； until the
books should fall from my listless hand； and I should recline there；
dreamily gazing into the deep blue of the firmament； watching the fleecy
clouds floating like white…sailed ships across its depths； and listening to
the joyous song of the birds and the low rustling of the trees。 Or； on
becoming too weak to go out of doors； I should sit propped up with
pillows at the open window of the ground…floor front； and look wasted and
interesting； so that all the pretty girls would sigh as they passed by。
And twice a day I should go down in a Bath chair to the Colonnade to
drink the waters。 Oh； those waters！ I knew nothing about them then； and
was rather taken with the idea。 〃Drinking the waters〃 sounded fashionable
and Queen Anne…fied； and I thought I should like them。 But； ugh！ after the
first three or four mornings！ Sam Weller's description of them as 〃having a
taste of warm flat…irons〃 conveys only a faint idea of their hideous
nauseousness。 If anything could make a sick man get well quickly； it
would be the knowledge that he must drink a glassful of them every day
until he was recovered。 I drank them neat for six consecutive days； and
they nearly killed me； but after then I adopted the plan of taking a stiff
glass of brandy…and…water immediately on the top of them； and found
much relief thereby。 I have been informed since； by various eminent
medical gentlemen； that the alcohol must have entirely counteracted the
effects of the chalybeate properties contained in the water。 I am glad I was
lucky enough to hit upon the right thing。
But 〃drinking the waters〃 was only a small portion of the torture I
experienced during that memorable montha month which was； without
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
exception； the most miserable I have ever spent。 During the best part of it I
religiously followed the doctor's mandate and did nothing whatever；
except moon about the house and garden and go out for two hours a day in
a Bath chair。 That did break the monotony to a certain extent。 There is
more excitement about Bath…chairingespecially if you are not used to the
exhilarating exercisethan might appear to the casual observer。 A sense of
danger； such as a mere outsider might not understand； is ever present to
the mind of the occupant。 He feels convinced every minute that the whole
concern is going over； a conviction which becomes especially lively
whenever a ditch or a stretch of newly macadamized road comes in sight。
Every vehicle that passes he expects is going to run into him； and he never
finds himself ascending or descending a hill without immediately
beginning to speculate upon his chances； supposingas seems extremely
probablethat the weak…kneed controller of his destiny should let go。
But even this diversion failed to enliven after awhile； and the _ennui_
became perfectly unbearable。 I felt my mind giving way under it。 It is not
a strong mind； and I thought it would be unwise to tax it too far。 So
somewhere about the twentieth morning I got up early； had a good
breakfast； and walked straight off to Hayfield； at the foot of the Kinder
Scouta pleasant； busy little town； reached through a lovely valley； and
with two sweetly pretty women in it。 At least they were sweetly pretty then；
one passed me on the bridge and； I think； smiled； and the other was
standing at an open door； making an unremunerative investment of kisses
upon a red…faced baby。 But it is years ago； and I dare say they have both
grown stout and snappish