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upon a red…faced baby。 But it is years ago； and I dare say they have both
grown stout and snappish since that time。 Coming back； I saw an old man
breaking stones； and it roused such strong longing in me to use my arms
that I offered him a drink to let me take his place。 He was a kindly old man
and he humored me。 I went for those stones with the accumulated energy
of three weeks； and did more work in half an hour than he had done all
day。 But it did not make him jealous。
Having taken the plunge； I went further and further into dissipation；
going out for a long walk every morning and listening to the band in the
pavilion every evening。 But the days still passed slowly notwithstanding；
and I was heartily glad when the last one came and I was being whirled
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
away from gouty； consumptive Buxton to London with its stern work and
life。 I looked out of the carriage as we rushed through Hendon in the
evening。 The lurid glare overhanging the mighty city seemed to warm my
heart； and when； later on； my cab rattled out of St。 Pancras' station； the old
familiar roar that came swelling up around me sounded the sweetest music
I had heard for many a long day。
I certainly did not enjoy that month's idling。 I like idling when I ought
not to be idling； not when it is the only thing I have to do。 That is my pig…
headed nature。 The time when I like best to stand with my back to the fire；
calculating how much I owe； is when my desk is heaped highest with
letters that must be answered by the next post。 When I like to dawdle
longest over my dinner is when I have a heavy evening's work before me。
And if； for some urgent reason； I ought to be up particularly early in the
morning； it is then； more than at any other time； that I love to lie an extra
half…hour in bed。
Ah！ how delicious it is to turn over and go to sleep again： 〃just for five
minutes。〃 Is there any human being； I wonder； besides the hero of a
Sunday…school 〃tale for boys；〃 who ever gets up willingly？ There are
some men to whom getting up at the proper time is an utter impossibility。
If eight o'clock happens to be the time that they should turn out； then they
lie till half…past。 If circumstances change and half…past eight becomes early
enough for them； then it is nine before they can rise。 They are like the
statesman of whom it was said that he was always punctually half an hour
late。 They try all manner of schemes。 They buy alarm…clocks （artful
contrivances that go off at the wrong time and alarm the wrong people）。
They tell Sarah Jane to knock at the door and call them； and Sarah Jane
does knock at the door and does call them； and they grunt back 〃awri〃 and
then go comfortably to sleep again。 I knew one man who would actually
get out and have a cold bath； and even that was of no use； for afterward he
would jump into bed again to warm himself。
I think myself that I could keep out of bed all right if I once got out。 It
is the wrenching away of the head from the pillow that I find so hard； and
no amount of over…night determination makes it easier。 I say to myself；
after having wasted the whole evening； 〃Well； I won't do any more work
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
to…night； I'll get up early to…morrow morning；〃 and I am thoroughly
resolved to do sothen。 In the morning； however； I feel less enthusiastic
about the idea； and reflect that it would have been much better if I had
stopped up last night。 And then there is the trouble of dressing； and the
more one thinks about that the more one wants to put it off。
It is a strange thing this bed； this mimic grave； where we stretch our
tired limbs and sink away so quietly into the silence and rest。 〃0 bed； 0 bed；
delicious bed； that heaven on earth to the weary head；〃 as sang poor Hood；
you are a kind old nurse to us fretful boys and girls。 Clever and foolish；
naughty and good； you take us all in your motherly lap and hush our
wayward crying。 The strong man full of carethe sick man full of pain
the little maiden sobbing for her faithless loverlike children we lay our
aching heads on your white bosom； and you gently soothe us off to by…by。
Our trouble is sore indeed when you turn away and will not comfort us。
How long the dawn seems coming when we cannot sleep！ Oh！ those
hideous nights when we toss and turn in fever and pain； when we lie； like
living men among the dead； staring out into the dark hours that drift so
slowly between us and the light。 And oh！ those still more hideous nights
when we sit by another in pain； when the low fire startles us every now
and then with a falling cinder； and the tick of the clock seems a hammer
beating out the life that we are watching。
But enough of beds and bedrooms。 I have kept to them too long； even
for an idle fellow。 Let us come out and have a smoke。 That wastes time
just as well and does not look so bad。 Tobacco has been a blessing to us
idlers。 What the civil…service clerk before Sir Walter's time found to
occupy their minds with it is hard to imagine。 I attribute the quarrelsome
nature of the Middle Ages young men entirely to the want of the soothing
weed。 They had no work to do and could not smoke； and the consequence
was they were forever fighting and rowing。 If； by any extraordinary
chance； there was no war going； then they got up a deadly family feud
with the next…door neighbor； and if； in spite of this； they still had a few
spare moments on their hands； they occupied them with discussions as to
whose sweetheart was the best looking； the arguments employed on both
sides being battle…axes； clubs； etc。 Questions of taste were soon decided in
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
those days。 When a twelfth…century youth fell in love he did not take three
paces backward； gaze into her eyes； and tell her she was too beautiful to
live。 He said he would step outside and see about it。 And if； when he got
out； he met a man and broke his headthe other man's head； I meanthen
that proved that histhe first fellow'sgirl was a pretty girl。 But if the
other fellow broke _his_ headnot his own； you know； but the other
fellow'sthe other fellow to the second fellow； that is； because of course
the other fellow would only be the other fellow to him； not the first fellow
whowell； if he broke his head； then _his_ girlnot the other fellow's； but
the fellow who _was_ the Look here； if A broke B's head； then A's girl
was a pretty girl； but if B broke A's head； then A's girl wasn't a pretty girl；
but B's girl was。 That was their method of conducting art criticism。
Nowadays we light a pipe and let the girls fight it out among
themselves。
They do it very well。 They are getting to do all our work。 They are
doctors； and barristers； and artists。 They manage theaters； and promote
swindles； and edit newspapers。 I am looking forward to the time when we
men shall have nothing to do but lie in bed till twelve； read two novels a
day； have nice little five…o'clock teas all to ourselves； and tax our brains
with nothing more trying than discussions upon the latest patterns in
trousers and arguments as to what Mr。 Jones' coat was made of and
whether it fitted him。 It is a glorious prospectfor idle fellows。
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
ON BEING IN LOVE。
You've been in love； of course！ If not you've got it to come。 Love is
like the measles； we all have to go through it。 Also like the measles； we
take it only once。 One never need be afraid of catching it a second time。
The man who has had it can go into the most dangerous places and play
the most foolhardy tricks with perfect safety。 He can picnic in shady
woods； ramble through leafy aisles； and linger on mossy seats to watch the
sunset。 He fears a quiet country…house no more than he would his own
club。 He can