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then get excited and insist that it is a fact。 You need have no conscientious
scruples on the subject； because the thing's nose really does resemble its
father'sat all events quite as much as it does anything else in nature
being； as it is； a mere smudge。
Do not despise these hints； my friends。 There may come a time when；
with mamma on one side and grand mamma on the other； a group of
admiring young ladies （not admiring you； though） behind； and a bald…
headed dab of humanity in front； you will be extremely thankful for some
idea of what to say。 A manan unmarried man； that isis never seen to
such disadvantage as when undergoing the ordeal of 〃seeing baby。〃 A cold
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
shudder runs down his back at the bare proposal； and the sickly smile with
which he says how delighted he shall be ought surely to move even a
mother's heart； unless； as I am inclined to believe； the whole proceeding is
a mere device adopted by wives to discourage the visits of bachelor
friends。
It is a cruel trick； though； whatever its excuse may be。 The bell is rung
and somebody sent to tell nurse to bring baby down。 This is the signal for
all the females present to commence talking 〃baby；〃 during which time
you are left to your own sad thoughts and the speculations upon the
practicability of suddenly recollecting an important engagement； and the
likelihood of your being believed if you do。 Just when you have concocted
an absurdly implausible tale about a man outside； the door opens； and a
tall； severe…looking woman enters； carrying what at first sight appears to
be a particularly skinny bolster； with the feathers all at one end。 Instinct；
however； tells you that this is the baby； and you rise with a miserable
attempt at appearing eager。 When the first gush of feminine enthusiasm
with which the object in question is received has died out； and the number
of ladies talking at once has been reduced to the ordinary four or five； the
circle of fluttering petticoats divides； and room is made for you to step
forward。 This you do with much the same air that you would walk into the
dock at Bow Street； and then； feeling unutterably miserable； you stand
solemnly staring at the child。 There is dead silence； and you know that
every one is waiting for you to speak。 You try to think of something to say；
but find； to your horror； that your reasoning faculties have left you。 It is a
moment of despair； and your evil genius； seizing the opportunity； suggests
to you some of the most idiotic remarks that it is possible for a human
being to perpetrate。 Glancing round with an imbecile smile； you
sniggeringly observe that 〃it hasn't got much hair has it？〃 Nobody answers
you for a minute； but at last the stately nurse says with much gravity：
〃It is not customary for children five weeks old to have long hair。〃
Another silence follows this； and you feel you are being given a second
chance； which you avail yourself of by inquiring if it can walk yet； or what
they feed it on。
By this time you have got to be regarded as not quite right in your
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
head； and pity is the only thing felt for you。 The nurse； however； is
determined that； insane or not； there shall be no shirking and that you shall
go through your task to the end。 In the tones of a high priestess directing
some religious mystery she says； holding the bundle toward you：
〃Take her in your arms； sir。〃 You are too crushed to offer any
resistance and so meekly accept the burden。 〃Put your arm more down her
middle； sir；〃 says the high…priestess； and then all step back and watch you
intently as though you were going to do a trick with it。
What to do you know no more than you did what to say。 It is certain
something must be done； and the only thing that occurs to you is to heave
the unhappy infant up and down to the accompaniment of 〃oopsee…daisy；〃
or some remark of equal intelligence。 〃I wouldn't jig her； sir； if I were
you；〃 says the nurse； 〃a very little upsets her。〃 You promptly decide not to
jig her and sincerely hope that you have not gone too far already。 At this
point the child itself； who has hitherto been regarding you with an
expression of mingled horror and disgust； puts an end to the nonsense by
beginning to yell at the top of its voice； at which the priestess rushes
forward and snatches it from you with 〃There！ there！ there！ What did ums
do to ums？〃 〃How very extraordinary！〃 you say pleasantly。 〃Whatever
made it go off like that？〃 〃Oh； why； you must have done something to
her！〃 says the mother indignantly； 〃the child wouldn't scream like that for
nothing。〃 It is evident they think you have been running pins into it。
The brat is calmed at last； and would no doubt remain quiet enough；
only some mischievous busybody points you out again with 〃Who's this；
baby？〃 and the intelligent child； recognizing you； howls louder than ever。
Whereupon some fat old lady remarks that 〃it's strange how children
take a dislike to any one。〃 〃Oh； they know；〃 replies another mysteriously。
〃It's a wonderful thing；〃 adds a third； and then everybody looks sideways
at you； convinced you are a scoundrel of the blackest dye； and they glory
in the beautiful idea that your true character； unguessed by your fellow…
men； has been discovered by the untaught instinct of a little child。
Babies； though； with all their crimes and errors； are not without their
usenot without use； surely； when they fill an empty heart； not without use
when； at their call； sunbeams of love break through care…clouded faces；
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
not without use when their little fingers press wrinkles into smiles。
Odd little people！ They are the unconscious comedians of the world's
great stage。 They supply the humor in life's all…too…heavy drama。 Each one；
a small but determined opposition to the order of things in general； is
forever doing the wrong thing at the wrong time； in the wrong place and in
the wrong way。 The nurse…girl who sent Jenny to see what Tommy and
Totty were doing and 〃tell 'em they mustn't〃 knew infantile nature。 Give
an average baby a fair chance； and if it doesn't do something it oughtn't to
a doctor should be called in at once。
They have a genius for doing the most ridiculous things； and they do
them in a grave； stoical manner that is irresistible。 The business…like air
with which two of them will join hands and proceed due east at a break…
neck toddle； while an excitable big sister is roaring for them to follow her
in a westerly direction； is most amusingexcept； perhaps； for the big sister。
They walk round a soldier； staring at his legs with the greatest curiosity；
and poke him to see if he is real。 They stoutly maintain； against all
argument and much to the discomfort of the victim； that the bashful young
man at the end of the 'bus is 〃dadda。〃 A crowded street…corner suggests
itself to their minds as a favorable spot for the discussion of family affairs
at a shrill treble。 When in the middle of crossing the road they are seized
with a sudden impulse to dance； and the doorstep of a busy shop is the
place they always select for sitting down and taking off their shoes。
When at home they find the biggest walking…stick in the house or an
umbrellaopen preferred…of much assistance in getting upstairs。 They
discover that they love Mary Ann at the precise moment when that faithful
domestic is blackleading the stove； and nothing will relieve their feelings
but to embrace her then and there。 With regard to food； their favorite
dishes are coke and cat's meat。 They nurse pussy upside down； and they
show their affection for the dog by pulling his tail。
They are a deal of trouble； and they make a place untidy