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his heart in one last wild embrace and stifles a sob； I feel as sad as though
I had dealt at whist and turned up only a deuce； and when the heroine dies
in the end I weep。 If I read the same tale early in the morning I should
sneer at it。 Digestion； or rather indigestion； has a marvelous effect upon
the heart。 If I want to write any thing very patheticI mean； if I want to try
to write anything very patheticI eat a large plateful of hot buttered
muffins about an hour beforehand； and then by the time I sit down to my
work a feeling of unutterable melancholy has come over me。 I picture
heartbroken lovers parting forever at lonely wayside stiles； while the sad
twilight deepens around them； and only the tinkling of a distant sheep…bell
breaks the sorrow…laden silence。 Old men sit and gaze at withered flowers
till their sight is dimmed by the mist of tears。 Little dainty maidens wait
and watch at open casements； but 〃he cometh not；〃 and the heavy years
roll by and the sunny gold tresses wear white and thin。 The babies that
they dandled have become grown men and women with podgy torments of
their own； and the playmates that they laughed with are lying very silent
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
under the waving grass。 But still they wait and watch； till the dark
shadows of the unknown night steal up and gather round them and the
world with its childish troubles fades from their aching eyes。
I see pale corpses tossed on white…foamed waves； and death…beds
stained with bitter tears； and graves in trackless deserts。 I hear the wild
wailing of women； the low moaning of little children； the dry sobbing of
strong men。 It's all the muffins。 I could not conjure up one melancholy
fancy upon a mutton chop and a glass of champagne。
A full stomach is a great aid to poetry； and indeed no sentiment of any
kind can stand upon an empty one。 We have not time or inclination to
indulge in fanciful troubles until we have got rid of our real misfortunes。
We do not sigh over dead dicky…birds with the bailiff in the house； and
when we do not know where on earth to get our next shilling from； we do
not worry as to whether our mistress' smiles are cold； or hot； or lukewarm；
or anything else about them。
Foolish peoplewhen I say 〃foolish people〃 in this contemptuous way
I mean people who entertain different opinions to mine。 If there is one
person I do despise more than another； it is the man who does not think
exactly the same on all topics as I dofoolish people； I say； then； who
have never experienced much of either； will tell you that mental distress is
far more agonizing than bodily。 Romantic and touching theory！ so
comforting to the love…sick young sprig who looks down patronizingly at
some poor devil with a white starved face and thinks to himself； 〃Ah； how
happy you are compared with me！〃so soothing to fat old gentlemen who
cackle about the superiority of poverty over riches。 But it is all nonsense
all cant。 An aching head soon makes one forget an aching heart。 A broken
finger will drive away all recollections of an empty chair。 And when a man
feels really hungry he does not feel anything else。
We sleek； well…fed folk can hardly realize what feeling hungry is like。
We know what it is to have no appetite and not to care for the dainty
victuals placed before us； but we do not understand what it means to
sicken for foodto die for bread while others waste itto gaze with
famished eyes upon coarse fare steaming behind dingy windows； longing
for a pen'orth of pea pudding and not having the penny to buy itto feel
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
that a crust would be delicious and that a bone would be a banquet。
Hunger is a luxury to us； a piquant； flavor…giving sauce。 It is well
worth while to get hungry and thirsty merely to discover how much
gratification can be obtained from eating and drinking。 If you wish to
thoroughly enjoy your dinner； take a thirty…mile country walk after
breakfast and don't touch anything till you get back。 How your eyes will
glisten at sight of the white table…cloth and steaming dishes then！ With
what a sigh of content you will put down the empty beer tankard and take
up your knife and fork！ And how comfortable you feel afterward as you
push back your chair； light a cigar； and beam round upon everybody。
Make sure； however； when adopting this plan； that the good dinner is
really to be had at the end； or the disappointment is trying。 I remember
once a friend and Idear old Joe； it was。 Ah！ how we lose one another in
life's mist。 It must be eight years since I last saw Joseph Taboys。 How
pleasant it would be to meet his jovial face again； to clasp his strong hand；
and to hear his cheery laugh once more！ He owes me 14 shillings； too。
Well； we were on a holiday together； and one morning we had breakfast
early and started for a tremendous long walk。 We had ordered a duck for
dinner over night。 We said； 〃Get a big one； because we shall come home
awfully hungry；〃 and as we were going out our landlady came up in great
spirits。 She said； 〃I have got you gentlemen a duck； if you like。 If you get
through that you'll do well；〃 and she held up a bird about the size of a
door…mat。 We chuckled at the sight and said we would try。 We said it with
self…conscious pride； like men who know their own power。 Then we
started。
We lost our way； of course。 I always do in the country； and it does
make me so wild； because it is no use asking direction of any of the people
you meet。 One might as well inquire of a lodging…house slavey the way to
make beds as expect a country bumpkin to know the road to the next
village。 You have to shout the question about three times before the sound
of your voice penetrates his skull。 At the third time he slowly raises his
head and stares blankly at you。 You yell it at him then for a fourth time；
and he repeats it after you。 He ponders while you count a couple of
hundred； after which； speaking at the rate of three words a minute； he
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fancies you 〃couldn't do better than〃 Here he catches sight of another
idiot coming down the road and bawls out to him the particulars；
requesting his advice。 The two then argue the case for a quarter of an hour
or so； and finally agree that you had better go straight down the lane；
round to the right and cross by the third stile； and keep to the left by old
Jimmy Milcher's cow…shed； and across the seven…acre field； and through
the gate by Squire Grubbin's hay…stack； keeping the bridle…path for awhile
till you come opposite the hill where the windmill used to bebut it's gone
nowand round to the right； leaving Stiggin's plantation behind you； and
you say 〃Thank you〃 and go away with a splitting headache； but without
the faintest notion of your way； the only clear idea you have on the subject
being that somewhere or other there is a stile which has to be got over； and
at the next turn you come upon four stiles； all leading in different
directions！
We had undergone this ordeal two or three times。 We had tramped over
fields。 We had waded through brooks and scrambled over hedges and
walls。 We had had a row as to whose fault it was that we had first lost our
way。 We had got thoroughly disagreeable； footsore； and weary。 But
throughout it all the hope of that duck kept us up。 A fairy…like vision； it
floated before our tired eyes and drew us onward。 The thought of it was as
a trumpet…call to the fainting。 We talked of it and cheered each other with
our recollections of it。 〃Come along；〃 we said； 〃the duck will be spoiled。〃
We felt a strong temptati