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But our attic； unique though it was； had by no means exhausted the
architect's sense of humor。 The arrangement of the whole house was a
marvel of originality。 All the doors opened outward； so that if any one
wanted to leave a room at the same moment that you were coming
downstairs it was unpleasant for you。 There was no ground…floorits
ground…floor belonged to a house in the next court； and the front door
opened direct upon a flight of stairs leading down to the cellar。 Visitors on
entering the house would suddenly shoot past the person who had
answered the door to them and disappear down these stairs。 Those of a
nervous temperament used to imagine that it was a trap laid for them； and
would shout murder as they lay on their backs at the bottom till somebody
came and picked them up。
It is a long time ago now that I last saw the inside of an attic。 I have
tried various floors since but I have not found that they have made much
difference to me。 Life tastes much the same； whether we quaff it from a
golden goblet or drink it out of a stone mug。 The hours come laden with
the same mixture of joy and sorrow； no matter where we wait for them。 A
waistcoat of broadcloth or of fustian is alike to an aching heart； and we
laugh no merrier on velvet cushions than we did on wooden chairs。 Often
have I sighed in those low…ceilinged rooms； yet disappointments have
come neither less nor lighter since I quitted them。 Life works upon a
compensating balance； and the happiness we gain in one direction we lose
in another。 As our means increase； so do our desires； and we ever stand
midway between the two。 When we reside in an attic we enjoy a supper of
fried fish and stout。 When we occupy the first floor it takes an elaborate
dinner at the Continental to give us the same amount of satisfaction。
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
ON DRESS AND DEPORTMENT。
They saypeople who ought to be ashamed of themselves dothat the
consciousness of being well dressed imparts a blissfulness to the human
heart that religion is powerless to bestow。 I am afraid these cynical persons
are sometimes correct。 I know that when I was a very young man （many；
many years ago； as the story…books say） and wanted cheering up； I used to
go and dress myself in all my best clothes。 If I had been annoyed in any
mannerif my washerwoman had discharged me； for instance； or my
blank…verse poem had been returned for the tenth time； with the editor's
compliments 〃and regrets that owing to want of space he is unable to avail
himself of kind offer；〃 or I had been snubbed by the woman I loved as
man never loved beforeby the way； it's really extraordinary what a
variety of ways of loving there must be。 We all do it as it was never done
before。 I don't know how our great…grandchildren will manage。 They will
have to do it on their heads by their time if they persist in not clashing
with any previous method。
Well； as I was saying； when these unpleasant sort of things happened
and I felt crushed； I put on all my best clothes and went out。 It brought
back my vanishing self…esteem。 In a glossy new hat and a pair of trousers
with a fold down the front （carefully preserved by keeping them under the
bedI don't mean on the floor； you know； but between the bed and the
mattress）； I felt I was somebody and that there were other washerwomen：
ay； and even other girls to love； and who would perhaps appreciate a
clever； good…looking young fellow。 I didn't care； that was my reckless way。
I would make love to other maidens。 I felt that in those clothes I could do
it。
They have a wonderful deal to do with courting； clothes have。 It is half
the battle。 At all events； the young man thinks so； and it generally takes
him a couple of hours to get himself up for the occasion。 His first half…
hour is occupied in trying to decide whether to wear his light suit with a
cane and drab billycock； or his black tails with a chimney…pot hat and his
new umbrella。 He is sure to be unfortunate in either decision。 If he wears
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
his light suit and takes the stick it comes on to rain； and he reaches the
house in a damp and muddy condition and spends the evening trying to
hide his boots。 If； on the other hand； he decides in favor of the top hat and
umbrellanobody would ever dream of going out in a top hat without an
umbrella； it would be like letting baby （bless it！） toddle out without its
nurse。 How I do hate a top hat！ One lasts me a very long while； I can tell
you。 I only wear it whenwell； never mind when I wear it。 It lasts me a
very long while。 I've had my present one five years。 It was rather old…
fashioned last summer； but the shape has come round again now and I
look quite stylish。
But to return to our young man and his courting。 If he starts off with
the top hat and umbrella the afternoon turns out fearfully hot； and the
perspiration takes all the soap out of his mustache and converts the
beautifully arranged curl over his forehead into a limp wisp resembling a
lump of seaweed。 The Fates are never favorable to the poor wretch。 If he
does by any chance reach the door in proper condition； she has gone out
with her cousin and won't be back till late。
How a young lover made ridiculous by the gawkiness of modern
costume must envy the picturesque gallants of seventy years ago！ Look at
them （on the Christmas cards）； with their curly hair and natty hats； their
well…shaped legs incased in smalls； their dainty Hessian boots； their
ruffling frills； their canes and dangling seals。 No wonder the little maiden
in the big poke…bonnet and the light…blue sash casts down her eyes and is
completely won。 Men could win hearts in clothes like that。 But what can
you expect from baggy trousers and a monkeyjacket？
Clothes have more effect upon us than we imagine。 Our deportment
depends upon our dress。 Make a man get into seedy； worn…out rags； and he
will skulk along with his head hanging down； like a man going out to fetch
his own supper beer。 But deck out the same article in gorgeous raiment
and fine linen； and he will strut down the main thoroughfare； swinging his
cane and looking at the girls as perky as a bantam cock。
Clothes alter our very nature。 A man could not help being fierce and
daring with a plume in his bonnet； a dagger in his belt； and a lot of puffy
white things all down his sleeves。 But in an ulster he wants to get behind a
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
lamp…post and call police。
I am quite ready to admit that you can find sterling merit； honest worth；
deep affection； and all such like virtues of the roast…beef…and…plum…
pudding school as much； and perhaps more； under broadcloth and tweed
as ever existed beneath silk and velvet； but the spirit of that knightly
chivalry that 〃rode a tilt for lady's love〃 and 〃fought for lady's smiles〃
needs the clatter of steel and the rustle of plumes to summon it from its
grave between the dusty folds of tapestry and underneath the musty leaves
of moldering chronicles。
The world must be getting old； I think； it dresses so very soberly now。
We have been through the infant period of humanity； when we used to run
about with nothing on but a long； loose robe； and liked to have our feet
bare。 And then came the rough； barbaric age； the boyhood of our race。 We
didn't care what we wore then； but thought it nice to tattoo ourselves all
over； and we never did our hair。 And after that the world grew into a young
man and became foppish。 It decked itself in flowing curls and scarlet
doublets； and went courting； and bragging； and bouncingmaking a brave
show。
But all those merry； foolish days of youth are gone； and we are very
sober； very solemnand very stupid； some saynow。 The world is a grave；
middle…aged gentleman i