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the sun got up every morning to hear him crow。 〃'Tis vanity that makes the
world go round。〃 I don't believe any man ever existed without vanity； and
if he did he would be an extremely uncomfortable person to have anything
to do with。 He would； of course； be a very good man； and we should
respect him very much。 He would be a very admirable mana man to be
put under a glass case and shown round as a specimena man to be stuck
upon a pedestal and copied； like a school exercisea man to be reverenced；
but not a man to be loved； not a human brother whose hand we should care
to grip。 Angels may be very excellent sort of folk in their way； but we；
poor mortals； in our present state； would probably find them precious slow
company。 Even mere good people are rather depressing。 It is in our faults
and failings； not in our virtues； that we touch one another and find
sympathy。 We differ widely enough in our nobler qualities。 It is in our
follies that we are at one。 Some of us are pious； some of us are generous。
Some few of us are honest； comparatively speaking； and some； fewer still；
may possibly be truthful。 But in vanity and kindred weaknesses we can all
join hands。 Vanity is one of those touches of nature that make the whole
world kin。 From the Indian hunter； proud of his belt of scalps； to the
European general； swelling beneath his row of stars and medals； from the
Chinese； gleeful at the length of his pigtail； to the 〃professional beauty；〃
suffering tortures in order that her waist may resemble a peg…top； from
draggle…tailed little Polly Stiggins； strutting through Seven Dials with a
tattered parasol over her head； to the princess sweeping through a
drawing…room with a train of four yards long； from 'Arry； winning by
vulgar chaff the loud laughter of his pals； to the statesman whose ears are
tickled by the cheers that greet his high…sounding periods； from the dark…
skinned African； bartering his rare oils and ivory for a few glass beads to
hang about his neck； to the Christian maiden selling her white body for a
score of tiny stones and an empty title to tack before her nameall march；
and fight； and bleed； and die beneath its tawdry flag。
Ay； ay； vanity is truly the motive…power that moves humanity； and it is
flattery that greases the wheels。 If you want to win affection and respect in
this world； you must flatter people。 Flatter high and low； and rich and poor；
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
and silly and wise。 You will get on famously。 Praise this man's virtues and
that man's vices。 Compliment everybody upon everything； and especially
upon what they haven't got。 Admire guys for their beauty； fools for their
wit； and boors for their breeding。 Your discernment and intelligence will
be extolled to the skies。
Every one can be got over by flattery。 The belted earl〃belted earl〃 is
the correct phrase； I believe。 I don't know what it means； unless it be an
earl that wears a belt instead of braces。 Some men do。 I don't like it myself。
You have to keep the thing so tight for it to be of any use； and that is
uncomfortable。 Anyhow； whatever particular kind of an earl a belted earl
may be； he is； I assert； get…overable by flattery； just as every other human
being is； from a duchess to a cat's…meat man； from a plow boy to a poet
and the poet far easier than the plowboy； for butter sinks better into
wheaten bread than into oaten cakes。
As for love； flattery is its very life…blood。 Fill a person with love for
themselves； and what runs over will be your share； says a certain witty and
truthful Frenchman whose name I can't for the life of me remember。
（Confound it！ I never can remember names when I want to。） Tell a girl she
is an angel； only more angelic than an angel； that she is a goddess； only
more graceful； queenly； and heavenly than the average goddess； that she is
more fairy…like than Titania； more beautiful than Venus； more enchanting
than Parthenope； more adorable； lovely； and radiant； in short； than any
other woman that ever did live； does live； or could live； and you will make
a very favorable impression upon her trusting little heart。 Sweet innocent！
she will believe every word you say。 It is so easy to deceive a womanin
this way。
Dear little souls； they hate flattery； so they tell you； and when you say；
〃Ah； darling； it isn't flattery in your case； it's plain； sober truth； you really
are； without exaggeration； the most beautiful； the most good； the most
charming； the most divine； the most perfect human creature that ever trod
this earth；〃 they will smile a quiet； approving smile； and； leaning against
your manly shoulder； murmur that you are a dear good fellow after all。
By Jove！ fancy a man trying to make love on strictly truthful
principles； determining never to utter a word of mere compliment or
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
hyperbole； but to scrupulously confine himself to exact fact！ Fancy his
gazing rapturously into his mistress' eyes and whispering softly to her that
she wasn't； on the whole； bad…looking； as girls went！ Fancy his holding up
her little hand and assuring her that it was of a light drab color shot with
red； and telling her as he pressed her to his heart that her nose； for a
turned…up one； seemed rather pretty； and that her eyes appeared to him； as
far as he could judge； to be quite up to the average standard of such things！
A nice chance he would stand against the man who would tell her that
her face was like a fresh blush rose； that her hair was a wandering
sunbeam imprisoned by her smiles； and her eyes like two evening stars。
There are various ways of flattering； and； of course； you must adapt
your style to your subject。 Some people like it laid on with a trowel； and
this requires very little art。 With sensible persons； however； it needs to be
done very delicately； and more by suggestion than actual words。 A good
many like it wrapped up in the form of an insult； as〃Oh； you are a perfect
fool； you are。 You would give your last sixpence to the first hungry…
looking beggar you met；〃 while others will swallow it only when
administered through the medium of a third person； so that if C wishes to
get at an A of this sort； he must confide to A's particular friend B that he
thinks A a splendid fellow； and beg him； B； not to mention it； especially to
A。 Be careful that B is a reliable man； though； otherwise he won't。
Those fine； sturdy John Bulls who 〃hate flattery； sir；〃 〃Never let
anybody get over me by flattery；〃 etc。； etc。； are very simply managed。
Flatter them enough upon their absence of vanity； and you can do what
you like with them。
After all； vanity is as much a virtue as a vice。 It is easy to recite copy…
book maxims against its sinfulness； but it is a passion that can 〃move us to
good as well as to evil。 Ambition is only vanity ennobled。 We want to win
praise and admirationor fame as we prefer to name itand so we write
great books； and paint grand pictures； and sing sweet songs； and toil with
willing hands in study； loom； and laboratory。
We wish to become rich men； not in order to enjoy ease and comfort
all that any one man can taste of those may be purchased anywhere for
200 pounds per annumbut that our houses may be bigger and more
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
gaudily furnished than our neighbors'； that our horses and servants may be
more numerous； that we may dress our wives and daughters in absurd but
expensive clothes； and that we may give costly dinners of which we
ourselves individually do not eat a shilling's worth。 And to do this we aid
the world's work with clear and busy brain； spreading commerce among
its peoples； carrying civilization to its remotest corners。
Do not let us abuse vanity； therefore。 Rather let us use it。 Honor itself
is but the highest form of vanity。 The instinct is not confined solely to
Be