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bedraggled； and had not so much as five sous to give to a shoeblack
for removing the least little spot of mud from my boot！ The petty
pangs of these nameless torments； which an irritable man finds so
great； only strengthened my passion。
〃The unfortunate must make sacrifices which they may not mention to
women who lead refined and luxurious lives。 Such women see things
through a prism that gilds all men and their surroundings。 Egoism
leads them to take cheerful views； and fashion makes them cruel； they
do not wish to reflect； lest they lose their happiness； and the
absorbing nature of their pleasures absolves their indifference to the
misfortunes of others。 A penny never means millions to them； millions；
on the contrary； seem a mere trifle。 Perhaps love must plead his cause
by great sacrifices； but a veil must be lightly drawn across them；
they must go down into silence。 So when wealthy men pour out their
devotion； their fortunes； and their lives； they gain somewhat by these
commonly entertained opinions； an additional lustre hangs about their
lovers' follies； their silence is eloquent； there is a grace about the
drawn veil； but my terrible distress bound me over to suffer fearfully
or ever I might speak of my love or of dying for her sake。
〃Was it a sacrifice after all？ Was I not richly rewarded by the joy I
took in sacrificing everything to her？ There was no commonest event of
my daily life to which the countess had not given importance； had not
overfilled with happiness。 I had been hitherto careless of my clothes；
now I respected my coat as if it had been a second self。 I should not
have hesitated between bodily harm and a tear in that garment。 You
must enter wholly into my circumstances to understand the stormy
thoughts； the gathering frenzy； that shook me as I went； and which；
perhaps； were increased by my walk。 I gloated in an infernal fashion
which I cannot describe over the absolute completeness of my
wretchedness。 I would have drawn from it an augury of my future； but
there is no limit to the possibilities of misfortune。 The door of my
lodging…house stood ajar。 A light streamed from the heart…shaped
opening cut in the shutters。 Pauline and her mother were sitting up
for me and talking。 I heard my name spoken； and listened。
〃 'Raphael is much nicer…looking than the student in number seven；'
said Pauline； 'his fair hair is such a pretty color。 Don't you think
there is something in his voice； too； I don't know what it is； that
gives you a sort of a thrill？ And； then； though he may be a little
proud； he is very kind； and he has such fine manners； I am sure that
all the ladies must be quite wild about him。'
〃 'You might be fond of him yourself； to hear you talk；' was Madame
Gaudin's comment。
〃 'He is just as dear to me as a brother；' she laughed。 'I should be
finely ungrateful if I felt no friendship for him。 Didn't he teach me
music and drawing and grammar； and everything I know in fact？ You
don't much notice how I get on； dear mother； but I shall know enough；
in a while； to give lessons myself； and then we can keep a servant。'
〃I stole away softly； made some noise outside； and went into their
room to take the lamp； that Pauline tried to light for me。 The dear
child had just poured soothing balm into my wounds。 Her outspoken
admiration had given me fresh courage。 I so needed to believe in
myself and to come by a just estimate of my advantages。 This revival
of hope in me perhaps colored my surroundings。 Perhaps also I had
never before really looked at the picture that so often met my eyes；
of the two women in their room； it was a scene such as Flemish
painters have reproduced so faithfully for us； that I admired in its
delightful reality。 The mother； with the kind smile upon her lips； sat
knitting stockings by the dying fire； Pauline was painting hand…
screens； her brushes and paints； strewn over the tiny table； made
bright spots of color for the eye to dwell on。 When she had left her
seat and stood lighting my lamp； one must have been under the yoke of
a terrible passion indeed； not to admire her faintly flushed
transparent hands； the girlish charm of her attitude； the ideal grace
of her head； as the lamplight fell full on her pale face。 Night and
silence added to the charms of this industrious vigil and peaceful
interior。 The light…heartedness that sustained such continuous toil
could only spring from devout submission and the lofty feelings that
it brings。
〃There was an indescribable harmony between them and their
possessions。 The splendor of Foedora's home did not satisfy； it called
out all my worst instincts； something in this lowly poverty and
unfeigned goodness revived me。 It may have been that luxury abased me
in my own eyes； while here my self…respect was restored to me； as I
sought to extend the protection that a man is so eager to make felt；
over these two women； who in the bare simplicity of the existence in
their brown room seemed to live wholly in the feelings of their
hearts。 As I came up to Pauline； she looked at me in an almost
motherly way； her hands shook a little as she held the lamp； so that
the light fell on me and cried：
〃 'Dieu！ how pale you are！ and you are wet through！ My mother will try
to wipe you dry。 Monsieur Raphael；' she went on； after a little pause；
'you are so very fond of milk； and to…night we happen to have some
cream。 Here； will you not take some？'
〃She pounced like a kitten； on a china bowl full of milk。 She did it
so quickly； and put it before me so prettily； that I hesitated。
〃 'You are going to refuse me？' she said； and her tones changed。
〃The pride in each felt for the other's pride。 It was Pauline's
poverty that seemed to humiliate her； and to reproach me with my want
of consideration； and I melted at once and accepted the cream that
might have been meant for her morning's breakfast。 The poor child
tried not to show her joy； but her eyes sparkled。
〃 'I needed it badly；' I said as I sat down。 （An anxious look passed
over her face。） 'Do you remember that passage； Pauline； where Bossuet
tells how God gave more abundant reward for a cup of cold water than
for a victory？'
〃 'Yes；' she said； her heart beating like some wild bird's in a
child's hands。
〃 'Well； as we shall part very soon； now；' I went on in an unsteady
voice； 'you must let me show my gratitude to you and to your mother
for all the care you have taken of me。'
〃 'Oh； don't let us cast accounts；' she said laughing。 But her
laughter covered an agitation that gave me pain。 I went on without
appearing to hear her words：
〃 'My piano is one of Erard's best instruments； and you must take it。
Pray accept it without hesitation； I really could not take it with me
on the journey I am about to make。'
〃Perhaps the melancholy tones in which I spoke enlightened the two
women； for they seemed to understand； and eyed me with curiosity and
alarm。 Here was the affection that I had looked for in the glacial
regions of the great world； true affection； unostentatious but tender；
and possibly lasting。
〃 'Don't take it to heart so；' the mother said； 'stay on here。 My
husband is on his way towards us even now；' she went on。 'I looked
into the Gospel of St。 John this evening while Pauline hung our door…
key in a Bible from her fingers。 The key turned； that means that
Gaudin is in health and doing well。 Pauline began again for you and
for the young man in number sevenit turned for you； but not for him。
We are all going to be rich。 Gaudin will come back a millionaire。 I
dreamed once that I saw him in a ship full of serpents； luckily the
water was rough； and that means gold or precious stones from over…
sea。'
〃The silly； friendly words were like the crooning lullaby with which a
mother soothes her sick child； they in a manner calmed me。 There was a
pleasant heartiness in the worthy woman's looks and tones； which； if
it could not remove trouble； at any rate soothed and quieted it； and
deadened the pain。 Pauline； keener…sighted than her mother； studied me
uneasily； her quick eyes seemed to read my life and my future。 I
thanked the mother and daughter by an inclination of the head； and
hurried away； I was afraid I should break down。
〃I found myself alone under my roof； and laid myself down in my
misery。 My unhappy imagination suggested numberless baseless projects；
and prescribed impossible resolutions。 When a man is struggling in the
wreck of his fortunes； he is not quite without resources； but I was
engulfed。 Ah； my dear fellow； we are too ready to blame the wretched。
Let us be less harsh on the results of the most powerful of all social
solvents。 Where poverty is absolute there exist no such things as
shame or crime； or virtue or intelligence。 I knew not what to do； I
was as defenceless as a maiden on her knees before a beast of prey。 A
penniless man who has no ties to bind him