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155。 Here again my torment would flame out and afflict me； yea； it would grind me； as it were to powder； to consider the preservation of God towards others； while I fell into the snare； for in my thus considering of other men's sins； and comparing them with mine own； I could evidently see； God preserved them； notwithstanding their wickedness； and would not let them； as He had let me； become a son of perdition。
156。 But oh！ how did my soul at this time prize the preservation that God did set about His people！ Ah； how safely did I see them walk； whom God had hedged in！ They were within His care； protection； and special providence： though they were full as bad as I by nature； yet because He loved them； He would not suffer them to fall without the range of mercy： but as for me； I was gone； I had done it： He would not preserve me； nor keep me； but suffered me； because I was a reprobate； to fall as I had done。 Now did those blessed places that speak of God's keeping His people； shine like the sun before me； though not to comfort me； yet to show me the blessed state and heritage of those whom the Lord had blessed。
157。 Now I saw； that as God had His hand in all the providences and dispensations that overtook His elect； so He had His hand in all the temptations that they had to sin against Him； not to animate them to wickedness； but to choose their temptations and troubles for them； and also to leave them for a time； to such sins only that might not destroy； but humble them； as might not put them beyond； but lay them in the way of the renewing His mercy。 But oh！ what love； what care； what kindness and mercy did I now see； mixing itself with the most severe and dreadful of all God's ways to His people！ He would let DAVID； HEZEKIAH； SOLOMON； PETER； and others； fall； but He would not let them fall into sin unpardonable； nor into hell for sin。 Oh！ thought I； these be the men that God hath loved； these be the men that God； though He chastiseth them； keeps them in safety by Him； and them whom He makes to abide under the shadow of the Almighty。 But all these thoughts added sorrow； grief； and horror to me； as whatever I now thought on； it was killing to me。 If I thought how God kept His own； that was killing to me； if I thought of how I was fallen myself； that was killing to me。 As all things wrought together for the best； and to do good to them that were the called； according to His purpose； so I thought that all things wrought for my damage； and for my eternal overthrow。
158。 Then again I began to compare my sin with the sin of JUDAS； that； if possible； I might find if mine differed from that； which in truth is unpardonable： and oh！ thought I； if it should differ from it； though but the breadth of an hair； what a happy condition is my soul in！ And by considering； I found that JUDAS did this intentionally； but mine was against my prayer and strivings： besides； his was committed with much deliberation； but mine in a fearful hurry； on a sudden： all this while I was tossed to and fro like the locusts； and driven from trouble to sorrow； hearing always the sound of ESAU'S fall in mine ears； and the dreadful consequences thereof。
159。 Yet this consideration about JUDAS'S sin was； for awhile； some little relief to me； for I saw I had not； as to the circumstances； transgressed so fully as he。 But this was quickly gone again； for I thought with myself； there might be more ways than one to commit this unpardonable sin； also I thought there might be degrees of that； as well as of other transgressions； wherefore； for aught I yet could perceive； this iniquity of mine might be such； as might never be passed by。
160。 I was often now ashamed that I should be like such an ugly man as Judas： I thought also how loathsome I should be unto all the saints at the day of judgment： insomuch that now I could scarce see a good man； that I believed had a good conscience； but I should feel my heart tremble at him； while I was in his presence。 Oh！ now I saw a glory in walking with God； and what a mercy it was to have a good conscience before Him。
161。 I was much about that time tempted to content myself by receiving some false opinion； as； that there should be no such thing as a day of judgment； that we should not rise again； and that sin was no such grievous thing： the tempter suggesting thus： FOR IF THESE THINGS SHOULD INDEED BE TRUE； YET TO BELIEVE OTHERWISE WOULD YIELD YOU EASE FOR THE PRESENT。 IF YOU MUST PERISH； NEVER TORMENT YOURSELF SO MUCH BEFOREHAND： DRIVE THE THOUGHTS OF DAMNING OUT OF YOUR MIND； BY POSSESSING YOUR MIND WITH SOME SUCH CONCLUSIONS THAT Atheists AND Ranters USE TO HELP THEMSELVES WITHAL。
162。 But oh！ when such thoughts have led through my heart； how； as it were； within a step； hath death and judgment been in my view！ methought the judge stood at the door； I was as if it was come already； so that such things could have no entertainment。 But methinks； I see by this； that Satan will use any means to keep the soul from Christ； he loveth not an awakened frame of spirit； security； blindness； darkness； and error； is the very kingdom and habitation of the wicked one。
163。 I found it a hard work now to pray to God； because despair was swallowing me up； I thought I was as with a tempest driven away from God； for always when I cried to God for mercy； this would come in； 'TIS TOO LATE； I AM LOST； GOD HATH LET ME FALL； NOT TO MY CORRECTION； BUT CONDEMNATION： MY SIN IS UNPARDONABLE； AND I KNOW； CONCERNING ESAU； HOW THAT AFTER HE HAD SOLD HIS BIRTHRIGHT； BE WOULD HAVE RECEIVED THE BLESSING； BUT WAS REJECTED。 About this time I did light on that dreadful story of that miserable mortal Francis Spira； a book that was to my troubled spirit； as salt； when rubbed into a fresh wound： every sentence in that book； every groan of that man； with all the rest of his actions in his dolours； as his tears； his prayers； his gnashing of teeth； his wringing of hands； his twining and twisting； and languishing； and pining away under that mighty hand of God that was upon him； were as knives and daggers in my soul； especially that sentence of his was frightful to me； MAN KNOWS THE BEGINNING OF SIN？ BUT WHO BOUNDS THE ISSUES THEREOF？ Then would the former sentence； as the conclusion of all； fall like an hot thunderbolt again upon my conscience； FOR YOU KNOW HOW THAT AFTERWARDS； WHEN HE WOULD HAVE INHERITED THE BLESSING； HE WAS REJECTED； FOR HE FOUND NO PLACE OF REPENTANCE； THOUGH HE SOUGHT IT CAREFULLY WITH TEARS。
164。 Then should I be struck into a very great trembling； insomuch that at sometimes I could； for whole days together； feel my very body； as well as my mind； to shake and totter under the sense of this dreadful judgment of God； that should fall on those that have sinned that most fearful and unpardonable sin。 I felt also such a clogging and heat at my stomach； by reason of this my terror； that I was； especially at some times； as if my breast…bone would split asunder； then I thought of that concerning Judas； who by FALLING HEADLONG； HE BURST ASUNDER IN THE MIDST； AND ALL HIS BOWELS GUSHED OUT。 Acts i。 18。
165。 I feared also that this was the mark that the Lord did set on CAIN； even continual fear and trembling； under the heavy load of guilt that he had charged on him for the blood of his brother ABEL。 Thus did I wind； and twine； and shrink under the burthen that was upon me； which burthen also did so oppress me； that I could neither stand； nor go； nor lie； either at rest or quiet。
166。 Yet that saying would sometimes come into my mind； HE HATH RECEIVED GIFTS FOR THE REBELLIOUS。 Psalm lxviii。 18。 The REBELLIOUS； thought I！ why surely they are such as once were under subjection to their Prince； even those who after they have sworn subjection to His government； have taken up arms against Him； and this； thought I； is my very condition： I once loved Him； feared Him； served Him； but now I am a rebel； I have sold Him； I have said； LET HIM GO； IF HE WILL； but yet He has gifts for rebels； and then why not for me？
167。 This sometimes I thought on； and should labour to take hold thereof； that some； though small refreshment； might have been conceived by me； but in this also I missed of my desire； I was driven with force beyond it； I was like a man going to execution； even by THAT place where he would fain creep in and hide himself； but may not。
168。 Again； after I had thus considered the sins of the SAINTS in particular； and found MINE went beyond them； then I began to think with myself； Set the case I should put ALL THEIRS together； and MINE ALONE against them； might I not then find some encouragement？ for if MINE； though bigger than any one； yet should be but equal to all； then there is hopes； for that blood that hath virtue enough in it to wash away all theirs； had virtue enough in it to do away mine； though this one be full as big； if not bigger than all theirs。 Here again； I should consider the sin of DAVID； of SOLOMON； of MANASSEH； of PETER； and the rest of the great offenders； and should also labour； what I might with fairness； to aggravate and heighten their sins by s