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ders； and should also labour； what I might with fairness； to aggravate and heighten their sins by several circumstances。
169。 I should think with myself that DAVID shed blood to cover his adultery； and that by the sword of the children of AMMON； a work that could not be done； but by continuance； deliberate contrivance； which was a great aggravation to his sin。 But then this would turn upon me： Ah！ but these were but sins against the law； from which there was a Jesus sent to save them； but yours is a sin against the Saviour； and who shall save you from that？
170。 Then I thought on SOLOMON； and how he sinned in loving strange women； falling away to their idols； in building them temples； in doing this after light； in his old age； after great mercy received： but the same conclusion that cut me off in the former consideration； cut me off as to this； namely； that all those were but sins against the law； for which God had provided a remedy； BUT I HAD SOLD MY SAVIOUR； and there remained no more sacrifice for sin。
171。 I would then add to these men's sins； the sins of MANASSEH； how that he built altars for idols in the house of the Lord； he also observed times； used enchantments； had to do with wizards； was a wizard； had his familiar spirits； burned his children in the fire in sacrifice to devils； and made the streets of JERUSALEM run down with the blood of innocents。 These； thought I； are great sins； sins of a bloody colour； but yet it would turn again upon me； THEY ARE NONE OF THEM OF THE NATURE OF YOURS； YOU HAVE PARTED WITH JESUS； YOU HAVE SOLD YOUR SAVIOUR。
172。 This one consideration would always kill my heart； MY SIN WAS POINT BLANK AGAINST MY SAVIOUR； and that too； at that height； that I had in my heart said of Him； LET HIM GO； IF HE WILL。 Oh！ methought this sin was bigger than the sins of a country； of a kingdom； or of the whole world； NO one pardonable； nor ALL of them together； was able to equal mine； mine out…went them every one。
173。 Now I should find my mind to flee from God； as from the face of a dreadful judge； yet this was my torment； I could not escape His hand： （IT IS A FEARFUL THING TO FALL INTO THE HANDS OF THE LIVING GOD。 Hebrew x。） But； blessed be His grace； that scripture； in these flying fits； would call； as running after me； I HAVE BLOTTED OUT； AS A THICK CLOUD； THY TRANSGRESSIONS； AND AS A CLOUD； THY SINS： RETURN UNTO ME； FOR I HAVE REDEEMED THEE。 Isaiah xliv。 22。 This； I say； would come in upon my mind； when I was fleeing from the face of God； for I did flee from His face； that is； my mind and spirit fled before Him； by reason of His highness； I could not endure： then would the text cry； RETURN UNTO ME； it would cry aloud with a very great voice； RETURN UNTO ME； FOR I HAVE REDEEMED THEE。 Indeed； this would make me make a little stop； and； as it were； look over my shoulder behind me； to see if I could discern that the God of grace did follow me with a pardon in His hand； but I could no sooner do that； but all would be clouded and darkened again by that sentence； FOR YOU KNOW； HOW THAT AFTERWARDS； WHEN HE WOULD HAVE INHERITED THE BLESSING； HE FOUND NO PLACE OF REPENTANCE； THOUGH HE SOUGHT IT CAREFULLY WITH TEARS。 Wherefore I could not refrain； but fled； though at some times it cried； RETURN； RETURN； as if it did hollow after me： but I feared to close in therewith； lest it should not come from God； for that other； as I said； was still sounding in my conscience； FOR YOU KNOW THAT AFTERWARDS； WHEN HE WOULD HAVE INHERITED THE BLESSING； HE WAS REJECTED； ETC。
174。 Once as I was walking to and fro in a good man's shop； bemoaning of myself in my sad and doleful state； afflicting myself with self…abhorrence for this wicked and ungodly thought； lamenting also this hard hap of mine for that I should commit so great a sin； greatly fearing that I should not be pardoned； praying also in my heart； that if this sin of mine did differ from that against the Holy Ghost； the Lord would show it me。 And being now ready to sink with fear； suddenly there was； as if there had rushed in at the window； the noise of wind upon me； but very pleasant； and as if I heard a voice speaking； DID'ST THOU EVER REFUSE TO BE JUSTIFIED BY THE BLOOD OF CHRIST？ and withal； my whole life of profession past； was in a moment opened to me； wherein I was made to see； that designedly I had not： so my heart answered groaningly； NO。 Then fell； with power； that word of God upon me； SEE THAT YE REFUSE NOT HIM THAT SPEAKETH。 Hebrew xii。 25。 This made a strange seizure upon my spirit； it brought light with it； and commanded a silence in my heart； of all those tumultuous thoughts； that did before use； like masterless hell…hounds； to roar and bellow； and make an hideous noise within me。 It showed me also that Jesus Christ had yet a word of grace and mercy for me； that He had not； as I had feared； quite forsaken and cast off my soul； yea； this was a kind of chide for my proneness to desperation； a kind of threatening of me； if I did not； notwithstanding my sins； and the heinousness of them； venture my salvation upon the Son of God。 But as to my determining about this strange dispensation； what it was； I know not； or from whence it came； I know not； I have not yet in twenty years' time been able to make a judgment of it； I THOUGHT THEN WHAT HERE I SHOULD BE LOTH TO SPEAK。 But verily that sudden rushing wind was； as if an angel had come upon me； but both it； and the salutation； I will leave until the day of judgment： only this I say； it commanded a great calm in my soul； it persuaded me there might be hope： it showed me； as I thought； what the sin unpardonable was； and that my soul had yet the blessed privilege to flee to Jesus Christ for mercy。 But I say； concerning this dispensation； I know not yet what to say unto it； which was also； in truth； the cause； that at first I did not speak of it in the book； I do now also leave it to be thought on by men of sound judgment。 I lay not the stress of my salvation thereupon； but upon the Lord Jesus； in the promise； yet seeing I am here unfolding of my secret things； I thought it might not be altogether inexpedient to let this also show itself； though I cannot now relate the matter as there I did experience it。 This lasted in the savour of it for about three or four days； and then I began to mistrust； and to despair again。
175。 Wherefore still my life hung in doubt before me； not knowing which way I should tip； only this I found my soul desire； even to cast itself at the foot of grace； by prayer and supplication。 But oh！ 'twas hard for me now； to have the face to pray to this Christ for mercy； against Whom I had thus most vilely sinned： 'twas hard work； I say； to offer to look Him in the face； against Whom I had so vilely sinned； and indeed； I have found it as difficult to come to God by prayer； after backsliding from Him； as to do any other thing。 Oh！ the shame that did now attend me！ especially when I thought； I am now a…going to pray to Him for mercy； that I had so lightly esteemed but a while before！ I was ashamed； yea； even confounded； because this villany had been committed by me： but I saw that there was but one way with me； I must go to Him； and humble myself unto Him； and beg that He； of His wonderful mercy； would show pity to me； and have mercy upon my wretched sinful soul。
176。 Which； when the tempter perceived； he strongly suggested to me； THAT I OUGHT NOT TO PRAY TO GOD； FOR PRAYER WAS NOT FOR ANY IN MY CASE； NEITHER COULD IT DO ME GOOD； BECAUSE I HAD REJECTED THE MEDIATOR； BY WHOM ALL PRAYERS CAME WITH ACCEPTANCE TO GOD THE FATHER； AND WITHOUT WHOM； NO PRAYER COULD COME INTO HIS PRESENCE： WHEREFORE NOW TO PRAY； IS BUT TO ADD SIN TO SIN； YEA； NOW TO PRAY； SEEING GOD HAS CAST YOU OFF； IS THE NEXT WAY TO ANGER AND OFFEND HIM MORE THAN YOU EVER DID BEFORE。
177。 FOR GOD （saith he） HATH BEEN WEARY OF YOU FOR THESE SEVERAL YEARS ALREADY； BECAUSE YOU ARE NONE OF HIS； YOUR BAWLINGS IN HIS EARS； HATH BEEN NO PLEASANT VOICE TO HIM； AND THEREFORE HE LET YOU SIN THIS SIN； THAT YOU MIGHT BE QUITE CUT OFF； AND WILL YOU PRAY STILL？ This the devil urged； and set forth that in NUMBERS； when MOSES said to the children OF ISRAEL； THAT BECAUSE THEY WOULD NOT GO UP TO POSSESS THE LAND； WHEN GOD WOULD HAVE THEM； THEREFORE FOR EVER AFTER HE DID BAR THEM OUT FROM THENCE； THOUGH THEY PRAYED THEY MIGHT WITH TEARS。 Numbers xiv。 36； 37； etc。
178。 As it is said in another place； Exodus xxi。 14； THE MAN THAT SINS PRESUMPTUOUSLY SHALL BE TAKEN FROM GOD'S ALTAR； THAT HE MAY DIE； even as JOAB was by King SOLOMON； when he thought to find shelter there。 1 Kings ii。 27； 28； etc。 These places did pinch me very sore； yet my case being desperate； I thought with myself； I can but die； and if it must be so； it shall once be said； THAT SUCH AN ONE DIED AT THE FOOT OF CHRIST IN PRAYER。 This I did； but with great difficulty； God doth know； and that because； together with this； still that saying about ESAU would be set at my heart； even like a flaming sword； to keep the way of the tree of life； lest I should take thereof and live。 Oh！ who knows how hard a thing