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the way of the tree of life； lest I should take thereof and live。 Oh！ who knows how hard a thing I found it； to come to God in prayer！
179。 I did also desire the prayers of the people of God for me； but I feared that God would give them no heart to do it； yea I trembled in my soul to think； that some or other of them would shortly tell me； that God hath said those words to them； that He once did say to the prophet concerning the children of Israel； PRAY NOT FOR THIS PEOPLE； FOR I HAVE REJECTED THEM。 Jeremiah xi。 14。 So； PRAY NOT FOR HIM； FOR I HAVE REJECTED HIM； yea； I thought that He had whispered this to some of them already； only they durst not tell me so； neither durst I ask them of it； for fear if it should be so； it would make me quite beside myself： MAN KNOWS THE BEGINNING OF SIN （said Spira）； BUT WHO BOUNDS THE ISSUES THEREOF？
180。 About this time I took an opportunity to break my mind to an ancient Christian； and told him all my case： I told him also； that I was afraid that I had sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost； and he told me； HE THOUGHT SO TOO。 Here therefore I had but cold comfort； but talking a little more with him； I found him； though a good man； a stranger to much combat with the devil。 Wherefore I went to God again； as well as I could； for mercy still。
181。 Now also did the tempter begin to mock me in my misery； saying； THAT SEEING I HAD THUS PARTED WITH THE LORD JESUS； AND PROVOKED HIM TO DISPLEASURE； WHO WOULD HAVE STOOD BETWEEN MY SOUL AND THE FLAME OF DEVOURING FIRE； THERE WAS NOW BUT ONE WAY； AND THAT WAS； to pray that God the Father would be a Mediator betwixt His Son and me； THAT WE MIGHT BE RECONCILED AGAIN； AND THAT I MIGHT HAVE THAT BLESSED BENEFIT IN HIM； THAT HIS BLESSED SAINTS ENJOYED。
182。 Then did that scripture seize upon my soul； HE IS OF ONE MIND； AND WHO CAN TURN HIM！ Oh！ I saw； it was as easy to persuade Him to make a new world； a new covenant； or a new Bible； besides that we have already； as to pray for such a thing。 This was to persuade Him； that what He had done already was mere folly； and persuade Him to alter； yea； to disannul the whole way of salvation。 And then would that saying rend my soul asunder； NEITHER IS THERE SALVATION IN ANY OTHER； FOR THERE IS NONE OTHER NAME UNDER HEAVEN GIVEN AMONG MEN WHEREBY WE MUST BE SAVED。 Acts iv。 12。
183。 Now the most free； and full and gracious words of the gospel； were the greatest torment to me； yea； nothing so afflicted me； as the thoughts of Jesus Christ； the remembrance of a Saviour； because I had cast Him off； brought forth the villany of my sin； and my loss by it； to mind； nothing did twinge my conscience like this： every time that I thought of the Lord Jesus； of His grace； love； goodness； kindness； gentleness； meekness； death； blood； promises； and blessed exhortations； comforts； and consolations； it went to my soul like a sword； for still unto these my considerations of the Lord Jesus； these thoughts would make place for themselves in my heart： AYE； THIS IS THE JESUS； THE LOVING SAVIOUR； THE SON OF GOD； WHOM YOU HAVE PARTED WITH； WHOM YOU HAVE SLIGHTED； DESPISED； AND ABUSED。 THIS IS THE ONLY SAVIOUR； THE ONLY REDEEMER； THE ONLY ONE THAT COULD SO LOVE SINNERS； AS TO WASH THEM FROM THEIR SINS IN HIS OWN MOST PRECIOUS BLOOD； BUT YOU HAVE NO PART NOR LOT IN THIS JESUS： YOU HAVE PUT HIM FROM YOU； YOU HAVE SAID IN YOUR HEART； Let Him go； if He will。 NOW； THEREFORE； YOU ARE SEVERED FROM HIM； YOU HAVE SEVERED YOURSELF FROM HIM： BEHOLD THEN HIS GOODNESS； BUT YOURSELF TO BE NO PARTAKER OF IT。 Oh！ thought I； what have I lost； what have I parted with！ What has disinherited my poor soul！ Oh！ 'tis sad to be destroyed by the grace and mercy of God； to have the Lamb； the Saviour； turn lion and destroyer。 Rev。 vi。 I also trembled； as I have said； at the sight of the saints of God； especially at those that greatly loved Him； and that made it their business to walk continually with Him in this world； for they did； both in their words； their carriages； and all their expressions of tenderness and fear to sin against their precious Saviour； condemn； lay guilt upon； and also add continual affliction and shame upon my soul。 THE DREAD OF THEM WAS UPON ME； AND I TREMBLED AT GOD'S SAMUELS。 1 Sam。 xvi。 4。
184。 Now also the tempter began afresh to mock my soul another way； saying； THAT CHRIST INDEED DID PITY MY CASE； AND WAS SORRY FOR MY LOSS； BUT FORASMUCH AS I HAD SINNED AND TRANSGRESSED AS I HAD DONE； HE COULD BY NO MEANS HELP ME； NOR SAVE ME FROM WHAT I FEARED： FOR MY SIN WAS NOT OF THE NATURE OF THEIRS； FOR WHOM HE BLED AND DIED； NEITHER WAS IT COUNTED WITH THOSE THAT WERE LAID TO HIS CHARGE； WHEN HE HANGED ON A TREE： THEREFORE； UNLESS HE SHOULD COME DOWN FROM HEAVEN； AND DIE ANEW FOR THIS SIN； THOUGH INDEED HE DID GREATLY PITY ME； YET I COULD HAVE NO BENEFIT OF HIM。 These things may seem ridiculous to others； even as ridiculous as they were in themselves； but to me they were most tormenting cogitations： every one of them augmented my misery； that Jesus Christ should have so much love as to pity me； when yet He could not help me； nor did I think that the reason why He could not help me； was； because His merits were weak； or His grace and salvation spent on others already； but because His faithfulness to His threatening； would not let Him extend His mercy to me。 Besides； I thought； as I have already hinted； that my sin was not within the bounds of that pardon； that was wrapped up in a promise； and if not； then I knew assuredly； that it was more easy for heaven and earth to pass away； than for me to have eternal life。 So that the ground of all these fears of mine did arise from a steadfast belief I had of the stability of the holy word of God； and also from my being misinformed of the nature of my sin。
185。 But oh！ how this would add to my affliction； to conceit that I should be guilty of such a sin； for which He did not die。 These thoughts would so confound me； and imprison me； and tie me up from faith； that I knew not what to do。 But oh！ thought I； that He would come down again！ Oh！ that the work of man's redemption was yet to be done by Christ！ how would I pray Him and entreat Him to count and reckon this sin among the rest for which He died！ But this scripture would strike me down as dead； CHRIST BEING RAISED FROM THE DEAD； DIETH NO MORE； DEATH HATH NO MORE DOMINION OVER HIM。 Rom。 vi。 9。
186。 Thus； by the strange and unusual assaults of the tempter； my soul was like a broken vessel； driven as with the winds； and tossed sometimes headlong into despair； sometimes upon the covenant of works； and sometimes to wish that the new covenant； and the conditions thereof； might so far forth； as I thought myself concerned； be turned another way； and changed； BUT IN ALL THESE； I WAS AS THOSE THAT JOSTLE AGAINST THE ROCKS； MORE BROKEN； SCATTERED AND RENT。 Oh！ the un…thought…of imaginations； frights； fears； and terrors； that are affected by a thorough application of guilt yielding to desperation！ THIS IS THE MAN THAT HATH HIS DWELLING AMONG THE TOMBS WITH THE DEAD； THAT IS ALWAYS CRYING OUT； AND CUTTING HIMSELF WITH STONES。 Mark v。 1； 2； 3。 But； I say； all in vain； desperation will not comfort him； the old covenant will not save him： nay； heaven and earth shall pass away； before one jot or tittle of the word and law of grace will fail or be removed。 This I saw； this I felt； and under this I groaned； yet this advantage I got thereby； namely； a farther confirmation of the certainty of the way of salvation； and that the scriptures were the word of God。 Oh！ I cannot now express what then I saw and felt of the steadiness of Jesus Christ； the rock of man's salvation： What was done； could not be undone； added to； nor altered。 I saw； indeed； that sin might drive the soul beyond Christ； even the sin which is unpardonable； but woe to him that was so driven； for the word would shut him out。
187。 Thus I was always sinking； whatever I did think or do。 So one day I walked to a neighbouring town； and sate down upon a settle in the street； and fell into a very deep pause about the most fearful state my sin had brought me to； and after long musing； I lifted up I sat my head； but methought I saw； as if the sun that shineth in the heavens did grudge to give light； and as if the very stones in the street； and tiles upon the houses； did bend themselves against me。 Methought that they all combined together to banish me out of the world。 I was abhorred of them； and unfit to dwell among them； or be partaker of their benefits； because I had sinned against the Saviour。 O how happy now was every creature over I was！ For they stood fast； and kept their station； but I was gone and lost。
188。 Then breaking out in the bitterness of my soul； I said to myself with a grievous sigh； HOW CAN GOD COMFORT SUCH A WRETCH！ I had no sooner said it； but this returned upon me； as an echo doth answer a voice： THIS SIN IS NOT UNTO DEATH。 At which I was； as if I had been raised out of the grave； and cried out again； LORD； HOW COULDST THOU FIND OUT SUCH A WORD AS THIS！ For I was filled with admiration at th