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he had made the private secretary of his own minister say a word。
These high protectors aiding； he obtained for the morrow a second
interview； in which； being armed with a line from the autocrat of
Foreign affairs to the pacha of the Interior； Jacquet hoped to carry
the matter by assault。 He was ready with reasons； and answers to
peremptory questions；in short； he was armed at all points； but he
failed。
〃This matter does not concern me；〃 said the minister； 〃it belongs to
the prefect of police。 Besides； there is no law giving a husband any
legal right to the body of his wife； nor to fathers those of their
children。 The matter is serious。 There are questions of public utility
involved which will have to be examined。 The interests of the city of
Paris might suffer。 Therefore if the matter depended on me； which it
does not； I could not decide /hic et nunc/； I should require a
report。〃
A /report/ is to the present system of administration what limbo or
hades is to Christianity。 Jacquet knew very well the mania for
〃reports〃； he had not waited until this occasion to groan at that
bureaucratic absurdity。 He knew that since the invasion into public
business of the /Report/ （an administrative revolution consummated in
1804） there was never known a single minister who would take upon
himself to have an opinion or to decide the slightest matter； unless
that opinion or matter had been winnowed； sifted； and plucked to bits
by the paper…spoilers； quill…drivers； and splendid intellects of his
particular bureau。 Jacquethe was one of those who are worthy of
Plutarch as biographersaw that he had made a mistake in his
management of the affair； and had； in fact； rendered it impossible by
trying to proceed legally。 The thing he should have done was to have
taken Madame Jules to one of Desmaret's estates in the country； and
there； under the good…natured authority of some village mayor to have
gratified the sorrowful longing of his friend。 Law； constitutional and
administrative； begets nothing； it is a barren monster for peoples；
for kings； and for private interests。 But the peoples decipher no
principles but those that are writ in blood； and the evils of legality
will always be pacific； it flattens a nation down； that is all。
Jacquet； a man of modern liberty； returned home reflecting on the
benefits of arbitrary power。
When he went with his report to Jules； he found it necessary to
deceive him； for the unhappy man was in a high fever； unable to leave
his bed。 The minister of the Interior mentioned； at a ministerial
dinner that same evening； the singular fancy of a Parisian in wishing
to burn his wife after the manner of the Romans。 The clubs of Paris
took up the subject； and talked for a while of the burials of
antiquity。 Ancient things were just then becoming a fashion； and some
persons declared that it would be a fine thing to re…establish； for
distinguished persons； the funeral pyre。 This opinion had its
defenders and its detractors。 Some said that there were too many such
personages； and the price of wood would be enormously increased by
such a custom； moreover； it would be absurd to see our ancestors in
their urns in the procession at Longchamps。 And if the urns were
valuable； they were likely some day to be sold at auction； full of
respectable ashes； or seized by creditors；a race of men who
respected nothing。 The other side made answer that our ancestors were
much safer in urns than at Pere…Lachaise； for before very long the
city of Paris would be compelled to order a Saint…Bartholomew against
its dead； who were invading the neighboring country； and threatening
to invade the territory of Brie。 It was； in short； one of those futile
but witty discussions which sometimes cause deep and painful wounds。
Happily for Jules； he knew nothing of the conversations； the witty
speeches； and arguments which his sorrow had furnished to the tongues
of Paris。
The prefect of police was indignant that Monsieur Jacquet had appealed
to a minister to avoid the wise delays of the commissioners of the
public highways； for the exhumation of Madame Jules was a question
belonging to that department。 The police bureau was doing its best to
reply promptly to the petition； one appeal was quite sufficient to set
the office in motion； and once in motion matters would go far。 But as
for the administration； that might take the case before the Council of
state；a machine very difficult indeed to move。
After the second day Jacquet was obliged to tell his friend that he
must renounce his desire； because； in a city where the number of tears
shed on black draperies is tariffed； where the laws recognize seven
classes of funerals； where the scrap of ground to hold the dead is
sold at its weight in silver； where grief is worked for what it is
worth； where the prayers of the Church are costly； and the vestry
claim payment for extra voices in the /Dies irae/；all attempt to get
out of the rut prescribed by the authorities for sorrow is useless and
impossible。
〃It would have been to me；〃 said Jules； 〃a comfort in my misery。 I
meant to have died away from here； and I hoped to hold her in my arms
in a distant grave。 I did not know that bureaucracy could send its
claws into our very coffins。〃
He now wished to see if room had been left for him beside his wife。
The two friends went to the cemetery。 When they reached it they found
（as at the doors of museums； galleries； and coach…offices） /ciceroni/；
who proposed to guide them through the labyrinth of Pere…Lachaise。
Neither Jules nor Jacquet could have found the spot where Clemence
lay。 Ah； frightful anguish！ They went to the lodge to consult the
porter of the cemetery。 The dead have a porter； and there are hours
when the dead are 〃not receiving。〃 It is necessary to upset all the
rules and regulations of the upper and lower police to obtain
permission to weep at night； in silence and solitude； over the grave
where a loved one lies。 There's a rule for summer and a rule for
winter about this。
Certainly； of all the porters in Paris； the porter of Pere…Lachaise is
the luckiest。 In the first place； he has no gate…cord to pull； then；
instead of a lodge； he has a house；an establishment which is not
quite ministerial； although a vast number of persons come under his
administration； and a good many employees。 And this governor of the
dead has a salary； with emoluments； and acts under powers of which
none complain； he plays despot at his ease。 His lodge is not a place
of business； though it has departments where the book…keeping of
receipts； expenses； and profits； is carried on。 The man is not a
/suisse/； nor a concierge； nor actually a porter。 The gate which
admits the dead stands wide open； and though there are monuments and
buildings to be cared for； he is not a care…taker。 In short； he is an
indefinable anomaly； an authority which participates in all； and yet
is nothing；an authority placed； like the dead on whom it is based；
outside of all。 Nevertheless； this exceptional man grows out of the
city of Paris；that chimerical creation like the ship which is its
emblem； that creature of reason moving on a thousand paws which are
seldom unanimous in motion。
This guardian of the cemetery may be called a concierge who has
reached the condition of a functionary； not soluble by dissolution！
His place is far from being a sinecure。 He does not allow any one to
be buried without a permit； he must count his dead。 He points out to
you in this vast field the six feet square of earth where you will one
day put all you love； or all you hate； a mistress； or a cousin。 Yes；
remember this： all the feelings and emotions of Paris come to end
here； at this porter's lodge； where they are administrationized。 This
man has registers in which his dead are booked； they are in their
graves； and also on his records。 He has under him keepers； gardeners；
grave…diggers； and their assistants。 He is a personage。 Mourning
hearts do not speak to him at first。 He does not appear at all except
in serious cases； such as one corpse mistaken for another； a murdered
body； an exhumation； a dead man coming to life。 The bust of the
reigning king is in his hall； possibly he keeps the late royal；
imperial； and quasi…royal busts in some cupboard；a sort of little
Pere…Lachaise all ready for revolutions。 In short； he is a public man；
an excellent man； good husband and good father；epitaph apart。 But so
many diverse sentiments have passed before him on biers； he has seen
so many tears； true and false； he has beheld sorrow under so many
aspects and on so many faces； he has heard such endless thousands of
eternal woes；that to him sorrow has come to be nothing more than a
stone an inch thick； four feet long； and twenty…four inches wide。 As
for regrets； they are the annoyances of his office； he neither
breakfasts nor dines without first wiping off the rain of an
inconsolable affliction。 He is kind and tender to other feelings； he
will weep over a stage…hero； over Monsieur Germeuil in the 〃Auberge
des Adrets；〃 the man with the butter…colored breeches； murdered by
Macaire； but his heart is ossified in the matter of real dead men。
Dead men are ciphers； numbers； to him；