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hing for him that is accused to have slaine three persons； to perswade you that he is innocent； although he should declare the whole truth； and confesse the matter how it was indeed ； but if your honours will vouchsafe to give me audience； I will shew you； that if I am condemned to die； I have not deserved it as myne owne desert； but that I was mooved by fortune and reasonable cause to doe that fact。 For returning somewhat late from supper yester night （beeing well tippled with wine； which I will not deny） and approaching nigh to my common lodging； which was in the house of one Milo a Citisen of this city； I fortuned to espy three great theeves attempting to break down his walls and gates； and to open the locks to enter in。 And when they had removed the dores out of the hookes； they consulted amongst themselves； how they would handle such as they found in the house。 And one of them being of more courage； and of greater stature than the rest； spake unto his fellows and sayd； Tush you are but boyes； take mens hearts unto you； and let us enter into every part of the house； and such as we find asleep let us kill； and so by that meanes we shall escape without danger。 Verily ye three Judges； I confess that I drew out my sword against those three Citizens； but I thought it was the office and duty of one that beareth good will to this weale publique； so to doe； especially since they put me in great fear； and assayed to rob and spoyl my friend Milo。 But when those cruell and terrible men would in no case run away； nor feare my naked sword； but boldly resist against me； I ran upon them and fought valiantly。 One of them which was the captain invaded me strongly； and drew me by the haire with both his hands； and began to beat me with a great stone ： but in the end I proved the hardier man； and threw him downe at my feet and killed him。 I tooke likewise the second that clasped me about the legs and bit me； and slew him also。 And the third that came running violently against me； after that I had strucken him under the stomacke fell downe dead。 Thus when I had delivered my selfe； the house； Myne host； and all his family from this present danger； I thought that I should not onely escape unpunished； but also have some great reward of the city for my paines。
Moreover； I that have always been clear and unspotted of crime； and that have esteemed myne innocency above all the treasure of the world； can finde no reasonable cause why upon myne accusation I should be condemned to die； since first I was mooved to set upon the theeves by just occasion。 Secondly； because there is none that can affirm； that there hath been at any time either grudge or hatred between us。 Thirdly； we were men meere strangers and of no acquaintance。 Last of all； no man can prove that I committed that fact for lucre or gaine。
When I had ended my words in this sort； behold； I weeped againe pitteously； and holding up my hands I prayed all the people by the mercy of the Commonweale and for the love of my poore infants and children； to shew me some pitty and favour。 And when my hearts were somewhat relented and mooved by my lamentable teares； I called all the gods to witnesse that I was unguilty of the crime； and so to their divine providence； I committed my present estate； but turning my selfe againe； I perceived that all the people laughed exceedingly； and especially my good friend and host Milo。 Then thought I with my selfe； Alasse where is faith？ Where is remorse of conscience？ Behold I am condemned to die as a murtherer； for the safeguard of myne Host Milo and his family。 Yet is he not contented with that； but likewise laugheth me to scorne； when otherwise he should comfort and help mee。
THE FOURTEENTH CHAPTER
How Apuleius was accused by two women； and how the slaine bodies were found blowne bladders。
When this was done； out came a woman in the middle of the Theatre arrayed in mourning vesture； and bearing a childe in her armes。 And after her came an old woman in ragged robes； crying and howling likewise ： and they brought with them the Olive boughs wherewith the three slaine bodies were covered on the Beere； and cried out in this manner ： O right Judges； we pray by the justice and humanity which is in you； to have mercy upon these slaine persons； and succour our Widowhood and losse of our deare husbands； and especially this poore infant； who is now an Orphan； and deprived of all good fortune ： and execute your justice by order and law； upon the bloud of this Theefe； who is the occasion of all our sorrowes。 When they had spoken these words； one of the most antient Judges did rise and say； Touching this murther； which deserveth great punishment； this malefactor himselfe cannot deny； but our duty is to enquire and try out； whether he had Coadjutors to help him。 For it is not likely that one man alone could kill three such great and valiant persons； wherefore the truth must be tried out by the racke； and so wee shall learne what other companions he hath； and root out the nest of these mischievous murtherers。 And there was no long delay； but according to the custome of Grecia； the fire； the wheele； and many other torments were brought in。 Then my sorrow encreased or rather doubled； in that I could not end my life with whole and unperished members。 And by and by the old woman； who troubled all the Court with her howling； desired the Judges； that before I should be tormented on the racke； I might uncover the bodies which I had slaine； that every man might see their comely shape and youthfull beauty； and that I might receive condign and worthy punishment； according to the quality of my offence ： and therewithall shee made a sign of joy。 Then the Judge commanded me forthwith to discover the bodies of the slain； lying upon the beere； with myne own handes； but when I refused a good space； by reason I would not make my fact apparent to the eies of all men； the Sergeant charged me by commandement of the Judges； and thrust me forward to do the same。 I being then forced by necessity； though it were against my wil； uncovered the bodies ： but O good Lord what a strange sight did I see； what a monster？ What sudden change of all my sorrows？ I seemed as though I were one of the house of Proserpina and of the family of death； insomuch that I could not sufficiently expresse the forme of this new sight； so far was I amased and astonied thereat ： for why； the bodies of the three slaine men were no bodies； but three blown bladders mangled in divers places； and they seemed to be wounded in those parts where I remembred I wounded the theeves the night before。 Whereat the people laughed exceedingly ： some rejoyced marvellously at the remembrance thereof； some held their stomackes that aked with joy； but every man delighted at this passing sport； so passed out of the theatre。 But I from the time that I uncovered the bodies stood stil as cold as ice； no otherwise than as the other statues and images there； neither came I into my right senses； until such time as Milo my Host came and tooke mee by the hand； and with civil violence lead me away weeping and sobbing； whether I would or no。 And because that I might be seene； he brought me through many blind wayes and lanes to his house； where he went about to comfort me； beeing sad and yet fearfull； with gentle entreaty of talke。 But he could in no wise mitigate my impatiency of the injury which I conceived within my minde。 And behold； by and by the Magistrates and Judges with their ensignes entred into the house； and endeavoured to pacify mee in this sort； saying； O Lucius； we are advertised of your dignity； and know the genealogie of your antient lineage； for the nobility of your Kinne doe possesse the greatest part of all this Province ： and thinke not that you have suffered the thing wherfore you weepe； to any reproach and ignominy； but put away all care and sorrow out of your minde。 For this day； which we celebrate once a yeare in honour of the god Risus； is alwaies renowned with some solemne novel； and the god doth continually accompany with the inventor therof； and wil not suffer that he should be sorrowfull； but pleasantly beare a joyfull face。 And verily all the City for the grace that is in you； intend to reward you with great honours； and to make you a Patron。 And further that your statue or image may be set up for a perpetuall remembrance。
To whome I answered； As for such benefits as I have received of the famous City of Thessaly； I yeeld and render the most entire thanks； but as touching the setting up of any statues or images； I would wish that they should bee reserved for myne Auntients； and such as are more worthy than I。
And when I had spoken these words somewhat gravely； and shewed my selfe more merry than I was before； the Judges and magistrates departed； and I reverently tooke my leave of them； and bid them farewell。 And behold； by and by there came one running unto me in haste； and sayd； Sir； your cousin Byrrhena desireth you to take the paines according to your promise yester night； to come to supper； for it is ready。 But I greatly fearing to goe any more to her house in the night； said to the messenger； My friend I pray you tell to my cousine your mistresse； that I would willingly be at