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in this world。 If they concentrated their affection on one； they
would give him more than any mortal could claim as his share。 I saw
Number Five watering her flowers； the other day。 The watering…pot
had one of those perforated heads； through which the water runs in
many small streams。 Every plant got its share： the proudest lily
bent beneath the gentle shower； the lowliest daisy held its little
face up for baptism。 All were refreshed； none was flooded。
Presently she took the perforated head； or 〃rose；〃 from the neck of
the watering…pot； and the full stream poured out in a round； solid
column。 It was almost too much for the poor geranium on which it
fell； and it looked at one minute as if the roots would be laid bare；
and perhaps the whole plant be washed out of the soil in which it was
planted。 What if Number Five should take off the 〃rose〃 that
sprinkles her affections on so many； and pour them all on one？ Can
that ever be？ If it can； life is worth living for him on whom her
love may be lavished。
One of my neighbors； a thorough American； is much concerned about the
growth of what he calls the 〃hard…handed aristocracy。〃 He tells the
following story：
〃I was putting up a fence about my yard； and employed a man of whom I
knew something；that he was industrious； temperate； and that he had
a wife and children to support；a worthy man； a native New
Englander。 I engaged him； I say； to dig some post…holes。 My
employee bought a new spade and scoop on purpose； and came to my
place at the appointed time； and began digging。 While he was at
work； two men came over from a drinking…saloon； to which my residence
is nearer than I could desire。 One of them I had known as Mike
Fagan； the other as Hans Schleimer。 They looked at Hiram； my New
Hampshire man； in a contemptuous and threatening way for a minute or
so； when Fagan addressed him：
〃'And how much does the man pay yez by the hour？'
The gentleman does n't pay me by the hour；' said Hiram。
〃'How mosh does he bay you by der veeks？' said Hans。
〃'I don' know as that's any of your business；' answered Hiram。
〃'Faith； we'll make it our business；' said Mike Fagan。 'We're
Knoights of Labor； we'd have yez to know； and ye can't make yer
bargains fist as ye loikes。 We manes to know how mony hours ye
worrks； and how much ye gets for it。'
〃'Knights of Labor！' said I。 'Why； that is a kind of title of
nobility； is n't it？ I thought the laws of our country did n't allow
titles of that kind。 But if you have a right to be called knights； I
suppose I ought to address you as such。 Sir Michael； I congratulate
you on the dignity you have attained。 I hope Lady Fagan is getting
on well with my shirts。 Sir Hans； I pay my respects to your title。
I trust that Lady Schleixner has got through that little difficulty
between her ladyship and yourself in which the police court thought
it necessary to intervene。'
〃The two men looked at me。 I weigh about a hundred and eighty
pounds； and am well put together。 Hiram was noted in his village as
a 'rahstler。' But my face is rather pallid and peaked； and Hiram had
something of the greenhorn look。 The two men； who had been drinking；
hardly knew what ground to take。 They rather liked the sound of ；Sir
Michael and； Sir Hans。 They did not know very well what to make of
their wives as 'ladies。' They looked doubtful whether to take what
had been said as a casus belli or not； but they wanted a pretext of
some kind or other。 Presently one of them saw a label on the scoop；
or longhandled； spoon…like shovel； with which Hiram had been working。
〃'Arrah； be jabers！' exclaimed Mike Fagan； 'but has n't he been
a…tradin' wid Brown； the hardware fellah； that we boycotted！ Grab
it； Hans； and we'll carry it off and show it to the brotherhood。'
The men made a move toward the implement。
〃'You let that are scoop…shovel alone；' said Hiram。
〃I stepped to his side。 The Knights were combative； as their noble
predecessors with the same title always were； and it was necessary to
come to a voie de fait。 My straight blow from the shoulder did for
Sir Michael。 Hiram treated Sir Hans to what is technically known as
a cross…buttock。
〃'Naow； Dutchman；' said Hiram； 'if you don't want to be planted in
that are post…hole； y'd better take y'rself out o' this here piece of
private property。 〃Dangerous passin'；〃 as the sign…posts say； abaout
these times。'
〃Sir Michael went down half stunned by my expressive gesture； Sir
Hans did not know whether his hip was out of joint or he had got a
bad sprain； but they were both out of condition for further
hostilities。 Perhaps it was hardly fair to take advantage of their
misfortunes to inflict a discourse upon them； but they had brought it
on themselves； and we each of us gave them a piece of our mind。
〃'I tell you what it is；' said Hiram； 'I'm a free and independent
American citizen； and I an't a…gon' to hev no man tyrannize over me；
if he doos call himself by one o' them noblemen's titles。 Ef I can't
work jes' as I choose； fur folks that wants me to work fur 'em and
that I want to work fur； I might jes' as well go to Sibery and done
with it。 My gran'f'ther fit in Bunker Hill battle。 I guess if our
folks in them days did n't care no great abaout Lord Percy and Sir
William Haowe； we an't a…gon' to be scart by Sir Michael Fagan and
Sir Hans What 's…his…name； nor no other fellahs that undertakes to be
noblemen； and tells us common folks what we shall dew an' what we
sha'n't。 No； sir！'
〃I took the opportunity to explain to Sir Michael and Sir Hans what
it was our fathers fought for； and what is the meaning of liberty。
If these noblemen did not like the country； they could go elsewhere。
If they did n't like the laws； they had the ballot…box； and could
choose new legislators。 But as long as the laws existed they must
obey them。 I could not admit that； because they called themselves by
the titles the Old World nobility thought so much of； they had a
right to interfere in the agreements I entered into with my neighbor。
I told Sir Michael that if he would go home and help Lady Fagan to
saw and split the wood for her fire； he would be better employed than
in meddling with my domestic arrangements。 I advised Sir Hans to ask
Lady Schleimer for her bottle of spirits to use as an embrocation for
his lame hip。 And so my two visitors with the aristocratic titles
staggered off； and left us plain； untitled citizens； Hiram and
myself； to set our posts； and consider the question whether we lived
in a free country or under the authority of a self…constituted order
of quasi…nobility。〃
It is a very curious fact that； with all our boasted 〃free and equal〃
superiority over the communities of the Old World； our people have
the most enormous appetite for Old World titles of distinction。 Sir
Michael and Sir Hans belong to one of the most extended of the
aristocratic orders。 But we have also 〃Knights and Ladies of Honor；〃
and； what is still grander； 〃Royal Conclave of Knights and Ladies；〃
〃Royal Arcanum；〃 and 〃Royal Society of Good Fellows；〃 〃 Supreme
Council；〃 〃Imperial Court；〃 〃Grand Protector；〃 and 〃Grand
Dictator；〃 and so on。 Nothing less than 〃Grand〃 and 11 Supreme〃 is
good enough for the dignitaries of our associations of citizens。
Where does all this ambition for names without realities come from？
Because a Knight of the Garter wears a golden star； why does the
worthy cordwainer； who mends the shoes of his fellow…citizens； want
to wear a tin star； and take a name that had a meaning as used by the
representatives of ancient families； or the men who had made
themselves illustrious by their achievements？
It appears to be a peculiarly American weakness。 The French
republicans of the earlier period thought the term citizen was good
enough for anybody。 At a later period； 〃Roi Citoyen〃the citizen
king was a common title given to Louis Philippe。 But nothing is too
grand for the American； in the way of titles。 The proudest of them
all signify absolutely nothing。 They do not stand for ability； for
public service； for social importance； for large possessions； but； on
the contrary； are oftenest found in connection with personalities to
which they are supremely inapplicable。 We can hardly afford to
quarrel with a national habit which； if lightly handled； may involve
us in serious domestic difficulties。 The 〃Right Worshipful〃
functionary whose equipage stops at my back gate； and whose services
are indispensable to the health and comfort of my household； is a
dignitary whom I must not offend。 I must speak with proper deference
to the lady who is scrubbing my floors； when I remember that her
husband； who saws my wood； carries a string of high…sounding titles
which would satisfy a Spanish nobleman。
After all； every people must have its own forms of ostentation；
pretence； and vulgarity。