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place it upon my upon my nose； and there wear it ever
afterward； in the less romantic； and less fashionable； but certainly
in the more serviceable； form which you desire。' These were the exact
words； my beloved husband； were they not？〃
〃They were；〃 I said； 〃you have an excellent memory； and assuredly； my
beautiful Eugenie； there is no disposition on my part to evade the
performance of the trivial promise they imply。 See！ Behold！ they are
becoming rather are they not？〃 And here； having arranged the
glasses in the ordinary form of spectacles； I applied them gingerly
in their proper position； while Madame Simpson； adjusting her cap；
and folding her arms； sat bolt upright in her chair； in a somewhat
stiff and prim； and indeed； in a somewhat undignified position。
〃Goodness gracious me！〃 I exclaimed； almost at the very instant that
the rim of the spectacles had settled upon my nose 〃My goodness
gracious me！ why； what can be the matter with these glasses？〃 and
taking them quickly off； I wiped them carefully with a silk
handkerchief； and adjusted them again。
But if； in the first instance； there had occurred something which
occasioned me surprise； in the second； this surprise became elevated
into astonishment； and this astonishment was profound was extreme…
indeed I may say it was horrific。 What； in the name of everything
hideous； did this mean？ Could I believe my eyes？ could I？ that
was the question。 Was that was that was that rouge？ And were
those… and were those were those wrinkles； upon the visage of
Eugenie Lalande？ And oh！ Jupiter； and every one of the gods and
goddesses； little and big！ what what what what had become of
her teeth？ I dashed the spectacles violently to the ground； and；
leaping to my feet； stood erect in the middle of the floor；
confronting Mrs。 Simpson； with my arms set a…kimbo； and grinning and
foaming； but； at the same time； utterly speechless with terror and
with rage。
Now I have already said that Madame Eugenie Lalande that is to
say； Simpson spoke the English language but very little better
than she wrote it； and for this reason she very properly never
attempted to speak it upon ordinary occasions。 But rage will carry a
lady to any extreme； and in the present care it carried Mrs。 Simpson
to the very extraordinary extreme of attempting to hold a
conversation in a tongue that she did not altogether understand。
〃Vell； Monsieur；〃 said she； after surveying me； in great apparent
astonishment； for some moments 〃Vell； Monsieur？ and vat den？
vat de matter now？ Is it de dance of de Saint itusse dat you ave？ If
not like me； vat for vy buy de pig in the poke？〃
〃You wretch！〃 said I； catching my breath 〃you you you
villainous old hag！〃
〃Ag？ ole？ me not so ver ole； after all！ Me not one single day
more dan de eighty…doo。〃
〃Eighty…two！〃 I ejaculated； staggering to the wall 〃eighty…two
hundred thousand baboons！ The miniature said twenty…seven years and
seven months！〃
〃To be sure！ dat is so！ ver true！ but den de portraite has been
take for dese fifty…five year。 Ven I go marry my segonde usbande；
Monsieur Lalande； at dat time I had de portraite take for my daughter
by my first usbande； Monsieur Moissart！〃
〃Moissart！〃 said I。
〃Yes； Moissart；〃 said she； mimicking my pronunciation； which； to
speak the truth； was none of the best； 〃and vat den？ Vat you know
about de Moissart？〃
〃Nothing； you old fright！ I know nothing about him at all； only I
had an ancestor of that name； once upon a time。〃
〃Dat name！ and vat you ave for say to dat name？ 'Tis ver goot name；
and so is Voissart dat is ver goot name too。 My daughter；
Mademoiselle Moissart； she marry von Monsieur Voissart； and de
name is bot ver respectaable name。〃
〃Moissart？〃 I exclaimed； 〃and Voissart！ Why； what is it you mean？〃
〃Vat I mean？ I mean Moissart and Voissart； and for de matter of
dat； I mean Croissart and Froisart； too； if I only tink proper to
mean it。 My daughter's daughter； Mademoiselle Voissart； she marry von
Monsieur Croissart； and den again； my daughter's grande daughter；
Mademoiselle Croissart； she marry von Monsieur Froissart； and I
suppose you say dat dat is not von ver respectaable name。…〃
〃Froissart！〃 said I； beginning to faint； 〃why； surely you don't say
Moissart； and Voissart； and Croissart； and Froissart？〃
〃Yes；〃 she replied； leaning fully back in her chair； and stretching
out her lower limbs at great length； 〃yes； Moissart； and Voissart；
and Croissart； and Froissart。 But Monsieur Froissart； he vas von ver
big vat you call fool he vas von ver great big donce like yourself
for he lef la belle France for come to dis stupide Amerique… and
ven he get here he went and ave von ver stupide； von ver； ver stupide
sonn； so I hear； dough I not yet av ad de plaisir to meet vid him
neither me nor my companion； de Madame Stephanie Lalande。 He is name
de Napoleon Bonaparte Froissart； and I suppose you say dat dat； too；
is not von ver respectable name。〃
Either the length or the nature of this speech； had the effect of
working up Mrs。 Simpson into a very extraordinary passion indeed； and
as she made an end of it； with great labor； she lumped up from her
chair like somebody bewitched； dropping upon the floor an entire
universe of bustle as she lumped。 Once upon her feet； she gnashed her
gums； brandished her arms； rolled up her sleeves； shook her fist in
my face； and concluded the performance by tearing the cap from her
head； and with it an immense wig of the most valuable and beautiful
black hair； the whole of which she dashed upon the ground with a
yell； and there trammpled and danced a fandango upon it； in an
absolute ecstasy and agony of rage。
Meantime I sank aghast into the chair which she had vacated。
〃Moissart and Voissart！〃 I repeated； thoughtfully； as she cut one of
her pigeon…wings； and 〃Croissart and Froissart！〃 as she completed
another 〃Moissart and Voissart and Croissart and Napoleon
Bonaparte Froissart！ why； you ineffable old serpent； that's me
that's me d'ye hear？ that's me〃 here I screamed at the top of
my voice 〃that's me…e…e！ I am Napoleon Bonaparte Froissart！ and if
I havn't married my great； great； grandmother； I wish I may be
everlastingly confounded！〃
Madame Eugenie Lalande； quasi Simpson formerly Moissart was； in
sober fact； my great； great； grandmother。 In her youth she had been
beautiful； and even at eighty…two； retained the majestic height； the
sculptural contour of head； the fine eyes and the Grecian nose of her
girlhood。 By the aid of these； of pearl…powder； of rouge； of false
hair； false teeth； and false tournure； as well as of the most skilful
modistes of Paris； she contrived to hold a respectable footing among
the beauties en peu passees of the French metropolis。 In this
respect； indeed； she might have been regarded as little less than the
equal of the celebrated Ninon De L'Enclos。
She was immensely wealthy； and being left； for the second time； a
widow without children； she bethought herself of my existence in
America； and for the purpose of making me her heir； paid a visit to
the United States； in company with a distant and exceedingly lovely
relative of her second husband's a Madame Stephanie Lalande。
At the opera； my great； great； grandmother's attention was arrested
by my notice； and； upon surveying me through her eye…glass； she was
struck with a certain family resemblance to herself。 Thus interested；
and knowing that the heir she sought was actually in the city； she
made inquiries of her party respecting me。 The gentleman who attended
her knew my person； and told her who I was。 The information thus
obtained induced her to renew her scrutiny； and this scrutiny it was
which so emboldened me that I behaved in the absurd manner already
detailed。 She returned my bow； however； under the impression that； by
some odd accident； I had discovered her identity。 When； deceived by
my weakness of vision； and the arts of the toilet； in respect to the
age and charms of the strange lady； I demanded so enthusiastically of
Talbot who she was； he concluded that I meant the younger beauty； as
a matter of course； and so informed me； with perfect truth； that she
was 〃the celebrated widow； Madame Lalande。〃
In the street； next morning； my great； great； grandmother encountered
Talbot； an old Parisian acquaintance； and the conversation； very
naturally turned upon myself。 My deficiencies of vision were then
explained； for these were notorious； although I was entirely ignorant
of their notoriety； and my good old relative discovered； much to her
chagrin； that she had been deceived in supposing me aware of her
identity； and that I had been merely making a fool of myself in
making open love； in a theatre； to an old woman unknown。 By way of
punishing me for this imprudence； she concocted with Talbot a plot。
He purposely kept out of my way to avoid giving me the introduction。
My street inquiries about 〃the lovely widow； Madame Lalande；〃 were
supposed to refer to the younger lady； of course； and thus the
conversation with the three gentlemen whom I encountered shortly
after leaving Talbot's hotel will be easily explained； as also their
allusion to Ninon De