按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
less of Black Strap； it was a trifle to a tight sea…boat like myself
not overstowed but when it comes to drinking the health of the
Devil （whom God assoilzie） and going down upon my marrow bones to his
ill…favored majesty there； whom I know； as well as I know myself to
be a sinner； to be nobody in the whole world； but Tim Hurlygurly the
stage…player why！ it's quite another guess sort of a thing； and
utterly and altogether past my comprehension。〃
He was not allowed to finish this speech in tranquillity。 At the name
Tim Hurlygurly the whole assembly leaped from their name seats。
〃Treason！〃 shouted his Majesty King Pest the First。
〃Treason！〃 said the little man with the gout。
〃Treason！〃 screamed the Arch Duchess Ana…Pest。
〃Treason！〃 muttered the gentleman with his jaws tied up。
〃Treason！〃 growled he of the coffin。
〃Treason！ treason！〃 shrieked her majesty of the mouth； and； seizing
by the hinder part of his breeches the unfortunate Tarpaulin； who had
just commenced pouring out for himself a skull of liqueur； she lifted
him high into the air； and let him fall without ceremony into the
huge open puncheon of his beloved ale。 Bobbing up and down； for a few
seconds； like an apple in a bowl of toddy； he； at length； finally
disappeared amid the whirlpool of foam which； in the already
effervescent liquor； his struggles easily succeeded in creating。
Not tamely； however； did the tall seaman behold the discomfiture of
his companion。 Jostling King Pest through the open trap； the valiant
Legs slammed the door down upon him with an oath； and strode towards
the centre of the room。 Here tearing down the skeleton which swung
over the table； he laid it about him with so much energy and good
will； that； as the last glimpses of light died away within the
apartment； he succeeded in knocking out the brains of the little
gentleman with the gout。 Rushing then with all his force against the
fatal hogshead full of October ale and Hugh Tarpaulin； he rolled it
over and over in an instant。 Out burst a deluge of liquor so fierce
so impetuous so overwhelming that the room was flooded from
wall to wall the loaded table was overturned the tressels were
thrown upon their backs the tub of punch into the fire…place
and the ladies into hysterics。 Piles of death…furniture floundered
about。 Jugs； pitchers； and carboys mingled promiscuously in the
melee； and wicker flagons encountered desperately with bottles of
junk。 The man with the horrors was drowned upon the spot…the little
stiff gentleman floated off in his coffin and the victorious Legs；
seizing by the waist the fat lady in the shroud； rushed out with her
into the street； and made a bee…line for the 〃Free and Easy；〃
followed under easy sail by the redoubtable Hugh Tarpaulin； who；
having sneezed three or four times； panted and puffed after him with
the Arch Duchess Ana…Pest。
~~~ End of Text ~~~
THREE SUNDAYS IN A WEEK
YOU hard…headed； dunder…headed； obstinate； rusty； crusty； musty；
fusty； old savage！〃 said I； in fancy； one afternoon； to my grand
uncle Rumgudgeon shaking my fist at him in imagination。
Only in imagination。 The fact is； some trivial discrepancy did exist；
just then； between what I said and what I had not the courage to say
between what I did and what I had half a mind to do。
The old porpoise； as I opened the drawing…room door； was sitting with
his feet upon the mantel…piece； and a bumper of port in his paw；
making strenuous efforts to accomplish the ditty。
Remplis ton verre vide！
Vide ton verre plein！
〃My dear uncle；〃 said I； closing the door gently； and approaching him
with the blandest of smiles； 〃you are always so very kind and
considerate； and have evinced your benevolence in so many so very
many ways that that I feel I have only to suggest this little
point to you once more to make sure of your full acquiescence。〃
〃Hem！〃 said he； 〃good boy！ go on！〃
〃I am sure； my dearest uncle ＇you confounded old rascal！＇； that you
have no design really； seriously； to oppose my union with Kate。 This
is merely a joke of yours； I know ha！ ha！ ha！ how very pleasant
you are at times。〃
〃Ha！ ha！ ha！〃 said he； 〃curse you！ yes！〃
〃To be sure of course！ I knew you were jesting。 Now； uncle； all
that Kate and myself wish at present； is that you would oblige us
with your advice as as regards the time you know； uncle in
short； when will it be most convenient for yourself； that the wedding
shall shall come off； you know？〃
〃Come off； you scoundrel！ what do you mean by that？ Better wait
till it goes on。〃
〃Ha！ ha！ ha！ he！ he！ he！ hi！ hi！ hi！ ho！ ho！ ho！ hu！ hu！
hu！… that's good！ oh that's capital such a wit！ But all we want
just now； you know； uncle； is that you would indicate the time
precisely。〃
〃Ah！ precisely？〃
〃Yes； uncle that is； if it would be quite agreeable to yourself。〃
〃Wouldn't it answer； Bobby； if I were to leave it at random some
time within a year or so； for example？ must I say precisely？〃
〃If you please； uncle precisely。〃
〃Well； then； Bobby； my boy you're a fine fellow； aren't you？
since you will have the exact time I'll why I'll oblige you for
once：〃
〃Dear uncle！〃
〃Hush； sir！〃 ＇drowning my voice＇ I'll oblige you for once。 You
shall have my consent and the plum； we mus'n't forget the plum
let me see！ when shall it be？ To…day's Sunday isn't it？ Well；
then； you shall be married precisely precisely； now mind！ when
three Sundays come together in a week！ Do you hear me； sir！ What are
you gaping at？ I say； you shall have Kate and her plum when three
Sundays come together in a week but not till then you young
scapegrace not till then； if I die for it。 You know me I'm a
man of my word now be off！〃 Here he swallowed his bumper of port；
while I rushed from the room in despair。
A very 〃fine old English gentleman；〃 was my grand…uncle Rumgudgeon；
but unlike him of the song； he had his weak points。 He was a little；
pursy； pompous； passionate semicircular somebody； with a red nose； a
thick scull； ＇sic＇ a long purse； and a strong sense of his own
consequence。 With the best heart in the world； he contrived； through
a predominant whim of contradiction； to earn for himself； among those
who only knew him superficially； the character of a curmudgeon。 Like
many excellent people； he seemed possessed with a spirit of
tantalization； which might easily； at a casual glance； have been
mistaken for malevolence。 To every request； a positive 〃No！〃 was his
immediate answer； but in the end in the long； long end there
were exceedingly few requests which he refused。 Against all attacks
upon his purse he made the most sturdy defence； but the amount
extorted from him； at last； was generally in direct ratio with the
length of the siege and the stubbornness of the resistance。 In
charity no one gave more liberally or with a worse grace。
For the fine arts； and especially for the belles…lettres； he
entertained a profound contempt。 With this he had been inspired by
Casimir Perier； whose pert little query 〃A quoi un poete est il bon？〃
he was in the habit of quoting； with a very droll pronunciation； as
the ne plus ultra of logical wit。 Thus my own inkling for the Muses
had excited his entire displeasure。 He assured me one day； when I
asked him for a new copy of Horace； that the translation of 〃Poeta
nascitur non fit〃 was 〃a nasty poet for nothing fit〃 a remark
which I took in high dudgeon。 His repugnance to 〃the humanities〃 had；
also； much increased of late； by an accidental bias in favor of what
he supposed to be natural science。 Somebody had accosted him in the
street； mistaking him for no less a personage than Doctor Dubble L。
Dee； the lecturer upon quack physics。 This set him off at a tangent；
and just at the epoch of this story for story it is getting to be
after all my grand…uncle Rumgudgeon was accessible and pacific
only upon points which happened to chime in with the caprioles of the
hobby he was riding。 For the rest； he laughed with his arms and legs；
and his politics were stubborn and easily understood。 He thought；
with Horsley； that 〃the people have nothing to do with the laws but
to obey them。〃
I had lived with the old gentleman all my life。 My parents； in dying；
had bequeathed me to him as a rich legacy。 I believe the old villain
loved me as his own child nearly if not quite as well as he loved
Kate but it was a dog's existence that he led me； after all。 From
my first year until my fifth； he obliged me with very regular
floggings。 From five to fifteen； he threatened me； hourly； with the
House of Correction。 From fifteen to twenty； not a day passed in
which he did not promise to cut me off with a shilling。 I was a sad
dog； it is true but then it was a part of my nature a point of
my faith。 In Kate； however； I had a firm friend； and I knew it。 She
was a good girl； and told me very sweetly that I might have her （plum
and all） whenever I could badger my grand…uncle Rumgudgeon； into the
necessary consent。 Poor girl！ she was barely fifteen； and without
this consent； her little amount in the funds was not come…at…able
until five immeasurable summers had 〃dragged their slow length
along。〃 What