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his outfit。
You must be told who they were。
VIII
The Inconsiderate Waiter
They were the family of William； one of our club waiters who had
been disappointing me grievously of late。 Many a time have I
deferred dining several minutes that I might have the attendance
of this ingrate。 His efforts to reserve the window…table for me
were satisfactory； and I used to allow him privileges； as to
suggest dishes； I have given him information； as that someone had
startled me in the reading…room by slamming a door； I have shown
him how I cut my finger with a piece of string。 William was none
of your assertive waiters。 We could have plotted a murder safely
before him。 It was one member who said to him that Saucy Sarah
would win the Derby and another who said that Saucy Sarah had no
chance； but it was William who agreed with both。 The excellent
fellow （as I thought him） was like a cheroot which may be smoked
from either end。
I date his lapse from one evening when I was dining by the
window。 I had to repeat my order 〃Devilled kidney；〃 and instead
of answering brightly； 〃Yes； sir；〃 as if my selection of devilled
kidney was a personal gratification to him； which is the manner
one expects of a waiter； he gazed eagerly out at the window； and
then； starting； asked； 〃Did you say devilled kidney； sir？〃 A few
minutes afterward I became aware that someone was leaning over
the back of my chair； and you may conceive my indignation on
discovering that this rude person was William。 Let me tell； in
the measured words of one describing a past incident； what next
took place。 To get nearer the window he pressed heavily on my
shoulder。 〃William；〃 I said； 〃you are not attending to me！〃
To be fair to him； he shook； but never shall I forget his
audacious apology； 〃Beg pardon； sir； but I was thinking of
something else。〃
And immediately his eyes resought the window； and this burst from
him passionately； 〃For God's sake； sir； as we are man and man；
tell me if you have seen a little girl looking up at the club…
windows。〃
Man and man！ But he had been a good waiter once； so I pointed
out the girl to him。 As soon as she saw William she ran into the
middle of Pall Mall； regardless of hansoms （many of which seemed
to pass over her）； nodded her head significantly three times and
then disappeared （probably on a stretcher）。 She was the
tawdriest little Arab of about ten years； but seemed to have
brought relief to William。 〃Thank God！〃 said he fervently； and
in the worst taste。
I was as much horrified as if he had dropped a plate on my toes。
〃Bread； William；〃 I said sharply。
〃You are not vexed with me； sir？〃 he had the hardihood to
whisper。
〃It was a liberty；〃 I said。
〃I know； sir； but I was beside myself。〃
〃That was a liberty again。〃
〃It is my wife； sir； she〃
So William； whom I had favoured in so many ways； was a married
man。 I felt that this was the greatest liberty of all。
I gathered that the troublesome woman was ailing； and as one who
likes after dinner to believe that there is no distress in the
world； I desired to be told by William that the signals meant her
return to health。 He answered inconsiderately； however； that the
doctor feared the worst。
〃Bah； the doctor；〃 I said in a rage。
〃Yes； sir；〃 said William。
〃What is her confounded ailment？〃
〃She was allus one of the delicate kind； but full of spirit； and
you see； sir； she has had a baby…girl lately〃
〃William； how dare you；〃 I said； but in the same moment I saw
that this father might be useful to me。 〃How does your baby
sleep； William？〃 I asked in a low voice； 〃how does she wake up？
what do you put in her bath？〃
I saw surprise in his face； so I hurried on without waiting for
an answer。 〃That little girl comes here with a message from your
wife？〃
〃Yes； sir； every evening； she's my eldest； and three nods from
her means that the missus is a little better。〃
〃There were three nods to…day？〃
〃Yes； sir。
〃I suppose you live in some low part； William？〃
The impudent fellow looked as if he could have struck me。 〃Off
Drury Lane；〃 he said； flushing； 〃but it isn't low。 And now；〃 he
groaned； 〃she's afeared she will die without my being there to
hold her hand。〃
〃She should not say such things。〃
〃She never says them； sir。 She allus pretends to be feeling
stronger。 But I knows what is in her mind when I am leaving the
house in the morning； for then she looks at me from her bed； and
I looks at her from the dooroh； my God； sir！〃
〃William！〃
At last he saw that I was angry； and it was characteristic of him
to beg my pardon and withdraw his wife as if she were some
unsuccessful dish。 I tried to forget his vulgar story in
billiards； but he had spoiled my game； and next day to punish him
I gave my orders through another waiter。 As I had the window…
seat； however； I could not but see that the little girl was late；
and though this mattered nothing to me and I had finished my
dinner； I lingered till she came。 She not only nodded three
times but waved her hat； and I arose； having now finished my
dinner。
William came stealthily toward me。 〃Her temperature has gone
down； sir；〃 he said； rubbing his hands together。
〃To whom are you referring？〃 I asked coldly； and retired to the
billiard…room； where I played a capital game。
I took pains to show William that I had forgotten his
maunderings； but I observed the girl nightly； and once； instead
of nodding； she shook her head； and that evening I could not get
into a pocket。 Next evening there was no William in the
dining…room； and I thought I knew what had happened。 But；
chancing to enter the library rather miserably； I was surprised
to see him on a ladder dusting books。 We had the room
practically to ourselves； for though several members sat on
chairs holding books in their hands they were all asleep； and
William descended the ladder to tell me his blasting tale。 He
had sworn at a member！
〃I hardly knew what I was doing all day； sir； for I had left her
so weakly that〃
I stamped my foot。
〃I beg your pardon for speaking of her；〃 he had the grace to say。
〃But Irene had promised to come every two hours； and when she
came about four o'clock and I saw she was crying； it sort of
blinded me； sir； and I stumbled against a member； Mr。 B； and he
said； 'Damn you！' Well； sir； I had but touched him after all；
and I was so broken it sort of stung me to be treated so and I
lost my senses； and I said； 'Damn you！'〃
His shamed head sank on his chest； and I think some of the
readers shuddered in their sleep。
〃I was turned out of the dining…room at once； and sent here until
the committee have decided what to do with me。 Oh； sir； I am
willing to go on my knees to Mr。 B〃
How could I but despise a fellow who would be thus abject for a
pound a week？
〃For if I have to tell her I have lost my place she will just
fall back and die。〃
〃I forbid your speaking to me of that woman；〃 I cried wryly；
〃unless you can speak pleasantly；〃 and I left him to his fate and
went off to look for B。 〃What is this story about your
swearing at one of the waiters？〃 I asked him。
〃You mean about his swearing at me；〃 said B； reddening。
〃I am glad that was it；〃 I said； 〃for I could not believe you
guilty of such bad form。 The version which reached me was that
you swore at each other； and that he was to be dismissed and you
reprimanded。〃
〃Who told you that？〃 asked B； who is a timid man。
〃I am on the committee；〃 I replied lightly； and proceeded to talk
of other matters； but presently B； who had been reflecting；
said： 〃Do you know I fancy I was wrong in thinking that the
waiter swore at me； and I shall withdraw the charge to…morrow。〃
I was pleased to find that William's troubles were near an end
without my having to interfere in his behalf； and I then
remembered that he would not be able to see the girl Irene from
the library windows； which are at the back of the club。 I was
looking down at her； but she refrained from signalling because
she could not see William； and irritated by her stupidity I went
out and asked her how her mother was。
〃My；〃 she ejaculated after a long scrutiny of me； 〃I b'lieve you
are one of them！〃 and she gazed at me with delighted awe。 I
suppose William tells them of our splendid doings。
The invalid； it appeared； was a bit better； and this annoying
child wanted to inform William that she had took all the
tapiocar。 She was to indicate this by licking an imaginary plate
in the middle of Pall Mall。 I gave the little vulgarian a
shilling； and returned to the club disgusted。
〃By the way； William；〃 I said； 〃Mr。 B is to inform the
committee that he was mistaken in thinking you used improper
language to him； so you will doubtless be restored t