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him here as melancholy as a lodge in a warren。 I told him； and I think I
told him true； that your Grace had got the good will of this young lady；
and I off'red him my company to a willow tree； either to make him a
garland； as being forsaken； or to bind him up a rod； as being worthy to be
whipt。
Pedro。 To be whipt？ What's his fault？
Bene。 The flat transgression of a schoolboy who； being overjoyed with
finding a bird's nest； shows it his companion； and he steals it。
Pedro。 Wilt thou make a trust a transgression？ The transgression is in
the stealer。
Bene。 Yet it had not been amiss the rod had been made； and the
garland too； for the garland he might have worn himself； and the rod he
might have bestowed on you； who； as I take it； have stol'n his bird's nest。
Pedro。 I will but teach them to sing and restore them to the owner。
Bene。 If their singing answer your saying； by my faith you say
honestly。
Pedro。 The Lady Beatrice hath a quarrel to you。 The gentleman that
danc'd with her told her she is much wrong'd by you。
Bene。 O； she misus'd me past the endurance of a block！ An oak but
with one green leaf on it would have answered her； my very visor began to
assume life and scold with her。 She told me； not thinking I had been
myself； that I was the Prince's jester； that I was duller than a great thaw；
huddling jest upon jest with such impossible conveyance upon me that I
stood like a man at a mark； with a whole army shooting at me。 She speaks
poniards； and every
word stabs。 If her breath were as terrible as her terminations； there
were no living near her； she would infect to the North Star。 I would not
marry her though she were endowed with all that Adam had left him
before he transgress'd。 She would have made Hercules have turn'd spit；
yea； and have cleft his club to make the fire too。 Come； talk not of her。
You shall find her the infernal Ate in good apparel。 I would to God some
scholar would conjure her； for certainly； while she is here； a man may live
as quiet in hell as in a sanctuary； and people sin upon purpose； because
they would go thither； so indeed all disquiet； horror； and perturbation
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follows her。
＇Enter Claudio and Beatrice； Leonato； Hero。＇
Pedro。 Look； here she comes。
Bene。 Will your Grace command me any service to the world's end？ I
will go on the slightest errand now to the Antipodes that you can devise to
send me on； I will fetch you a toothpicker now from the furthest inch of
Asia； bring you the length of Prester John's foot； fetch you a hair off the
great Cham's beard； do you any embassage to the Pygmiesrather than
hold three words' conference with this harpy。 You have no employment for
me？
Pedro。 None； but to desire your good company。
Bene。 O God； sir； here's a dish I love not！ I cannot endure my Lady
Tongue。 ＇Exit。＇
Pedro。 Come； lady； come； you have lost the heart of Signior Benedick。
Beat。 Indeed； my lord； he lent it me awhile； and I gave him use for ita
double heart for his single one。 Marry； once before he won it of me with
false dice； therefore your Grace may well say I have lost it。
Pedro。 You have put him down； lady； you have put him down。
Beat。 So I would not he should do me； my lord； lest I should prove the
mother of fools。 I have brought Count Claudio； whom you sent me to seek。
Pedro。 Why； how now； Count？ Wherefore are you sad？
Claud。 Not sad； my lord。
Pedro。 How then？ sick？
Claud。 Neither； my lord。
Beat。 The Count is neither sad； nor sick； nor merry； nor well； but civil
countcivil as an orange； and something of that jealous complexion。
Pedro。 I' faith； lady； I think your blazon to be true； though I'll be sworn；
if he be so； his conceit is false。 Here； Claudio； I have wooed in thy name；
and fair Hero is won。 I have broke with her father； and his good will
obtained。 Name the day of marriage； and God give thee joy！
Leon。 Count； take of me my daughter； and with her my fortunes。 His
Grace hath made the match； and all grace say Amen to it！
Beat。 Speak； Count； 'tis your cue。
Claud。 Silence is the perfectest herald of joy。 I were but little happy if I
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could say how much。 Lady； as you are mine； I am yours。 I give away
myself for you and dote upon the exchange。
Beat。 Speak； cousin； or； if you cannot； stop his mouth with a kiss and
let not him speak neither。
Pedro。 In faith； lady； you have a merry heart。
Beat。 Yea； my lord； I thank it； poor fool； it keeps on the windy side of
care。 My cousin tells him in his ear that he is in her heart。
Claud。 And so she doth； cousin。
Beat。 Good Lord； for alliance！ Thus goes every one to the world but I；
and I am sunburnt。 I may sit in a corner and cry 'Heigh…ho for a husband！'
Pedro。 Lady Beatrice； I will get you one。
Beat。 I would rather have one of your father's getting。 Hath your Grace
ne'er a brother like you？ Your father got excellent husbands； if a maid
could come by them。
Pedro。 Will you have me； lady？
Beat。 No； my lord； unless I might have another for working days： your
Grace is too costly to wear every day。 But I beseech your Grace pardon me。
I was born to speak all mirth and no matter。
Pedro。 Your silence most offends me； and to be merry best becomes
you； for out o' question you were born in a merry hour。
Beat。 No； sure； my lord； my mother cried； but then there was a star
danc'd； and under that was I born。 Cousins； God give you joy！
Leon。 Niece； will you look to those things I told you of？
Beat。 I cry you mercy； uncle； By your Grace's pardon。 ＇Exit。＇
Pedro。 By my troth； a pleasant…spirited lady。
Leon。 There's little of the melancholy element in her； my lord。 She is
never sad but when she sleeps； and not ever sad then； for I have heard my
daughter say she hath often dreamt of unhappiness and wak'd herself with
laughing。
Pedro。 She cannot endure to hear tell of a husband。
Leon。 O； by no means！ She mocks all her wooers out of suit。
Pedro。 She were an excellent wife for Benedick。
Leon。 O Lord； my lord！ if they were but a week married； they would
talk themselves mad。
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Pedro。 County Claudio； when mean you to go to church？
Claud。 To…morrow； my lord。 Time goes on crutches till love have all
his rites。
Leon。 Not till Monday； my dear son； which is hence a just sevennight；
and a time too brief too； to have all things answer my mind。
Pedro。 Come； you shake the head at so long a breathing； but I warrant
thee； Claudio； the time shall not go dully by us。 I will in the interim
undertake one of Hercules' labours； which is； to bring Signior Benedick
and the Lady Beatrice into a mountain of affection th' one with th' other。 I
would fain have it a match； and I doubt not but to fashion it if you three
will but minister such assistance as I shall give you direction。
Leon。 My lord； I am for you； though it cost me ten nights' watchings。
Claud。 And I； my lord。
Pedro。 And you too； gentle Hero？
Hero。 I will do any modest office； my lord； to help my cousin to a
good husband。
Pedro。 And Benedick is not the unhopefullest husband that I know。
Thus far can I praise him： he is of a noble strain； of approved valour； and
confirm'd honesty。 I will teach you how to humour your cousin； that she
shall fall in love with Benedick； and I； ＇to Leonato and Claudio＇ with your
two helps； will so practise on Benedick that； in despite of his quick wit and
his queasy stomach； he shall fall in love with Beatrice。 If we can do this；
Cupid is no longer an archer； his glory shall be ours； for we are the only
love…gods。 Go in with me； and I will tell you my drift。
＇Exeunt。＇
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SCENE II。
A hall in Leonato's house。
＇Enter ＇Don＇ John and Borachio。＇