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ourselves upon the external qualities of things； it belongs to us to give
ourselves an account of them。 Our good or ill has no other dependence
but on ourselves。 'Tis there that our offerings and our vows are due；
and not to fortune she has no power over our manners； on the contrary；
they draw and make her follow in their train； and cast her in their own
mould。 Why should not I judge of Alexander at table； ranting and
drinking at the prodigious rate he sometimes used to do？
Or； if he played at chess？ what string of his soul was not touched by
this idle and childish game？ I hate and avoid it； because it is not play
enough； that it is too grave and serious a diversion； and I am ashamed to
lay out as much thought and study upon it as would serve to much better
uses。 He did not more pump his brains about his glorious expedition into
the Indies； nor than another in unravelling a passage upon which depends
the safety of mankind。 To what a degree does this ridiculous diversion
molest the soul； when all her faculties are summoned together upon this
trivial account！ and how fair an opportunity she herein gives every one
to know and to make a right judgment of himself？ I do not more
thoroughly sift myself in any other posture than this： what passion are
we exempted from in it？ Anger； spite； malice； impatience； and a vehement
desire of getting the better in a concern wherein it were more excusable
to be ambitious of being overcome； for to be eminent； to excel above the
common rate in frivolous things； nowise befits a man of honour。 What I
say in this example may be said in all others。 Every particle； every
employment of man manifests him equally with any other。
Democritus and Heraclitus were two philosophers； of whom the first；
finding human condition ridiculous and vain； never appeared abroad but
with a jeering and laughing countenance； whereas Heraclitus commiserating
that same condition of ours； appeared always with a sorrowful look； and
tears in his eyes：
〃Alter
Ridebat； quoties a limine moverat unum
Protuleratque pedem； flebat contrarius alter。〃
＇〃The one always； as often as he had stepped one pace from his
threshold； laughed； the other always wept。〃Juvenal； Sat。； x。 28。＇
＇Or； as Voltaire： 〃Life is a comedy to those who think；
a tragedy to those who feel。〃 D。W。＇
I am clearly for the first humour； not because it is more pleasant to
laugh than to weep； but because it expresses more contempt and
condemnation than the other； and I think we can never be despised
according to our full desert。 Compassion and bewailing seem to imply
some esteem of and value for the thing bemoaned； whereas the things we
laugh at are by that expressed to be of no moment。 I do not think that
we are so unhappy as we are vain； or have in us so much malice as folly；
we are not so full of mischief as inanity； nor so miserable as we are
vile and mean。 And therefore Diogenes； who passed away his time in
rolling himself in his tub； and made nothing of the great Alexander；
esteeming us no better than flies or bladders puffed up with wind； was a
sharper and more penetrating； and； consequently in my opinion； a juster
judge than Timon； surnamed the Man…hater； for what a man hates he lays to
heart。 This last was an enemy to all mankind； who passionately desired
our ruin； and avoided our conversation as dangerous； proceeding from
wicked and depraved natures： the other valued us so little that we could
neither trouble nor infect him by our example； and left us to herd one
with another； not out of fear； but from contempt of our society：
concluding us as incapable of doing good as evil。
Of the same strain was Statilius' answer； when Brutus courted him into
the conspiracy against Caesar； he was satisfied that the enterprise was
just； but he did not think mankind worthy of a wise man's concern'；
according to the doctrine of Hegesias； who said； that a wise man ought to
do nothing but for himself； forasmuch as he only was worthy of it： and to
the saying of Theodorus； that it was not reasonable a wise man should
hazard himself for his country； and endanger wisdom for a company of
fools。 Our condition is as ridiculous as risible。
CHAPTER LI
OF THE VANITY OF WORDS
A rhetorician of times past said； that to make little things appear great
was his profession。 This was a shoemaker； who can make a great shoe for
a little foot。 ＇A saying of Agesilaus。＇ They would in Sparta have
sent such a fellow to be whipped for making profession of a tricky and
deceitful act； and I fancy that Archidamus； who was king of that country；
was a little surprised at the answer of Thucydides； when inquiring of
him； which was the better wrestler； Pericles； or he； he replied； that it
was hard to affirm； for when I have thrown him； said he； he always
persuades the spectators that he had no fall and carries away the prize。
＇Quintilian； ii。 15。 The women who paint； pounce； and plaster up
their ruins； filling up their wrinkles and deformities； are less to
blame； because it is no great matter whether we see them in their natural
complexions； whereas these make it their business to deceive not our
sight only but our judgments； and to adulterate and corrupt the very
essence of things。 The republics that have maintained themselves in a
regular and well…modelled government； such as those of Lacedaemon and
Crete； had orators in no very great esteem。 Aristo wisely defined
rhetoric to be 〃a science to persuade the people；〃 Socrates and Plato〃 an
art to flatter and deceive。〃 And those who deny it in the general
description； verify it throughout in their precepts。 The Mohammedans
will not suffer their children to be instructed in it； as being useless；
and the Athenians； perceiving of how pernicious consequence the practice
of it was； it being in their city of universal esteem； ordered the
principal part； which is to move the affections； with their exordiums and
perorations； to be taken away。 'Tis an engine invented to manage and
govern a disorderly and tumultuous rabble； and that never is made use of；
but like physic to the sick； in a discomposed state。 In those where the
vulgar or the ignorant； or both together； have been all…powerful and able
to give the law； as in those of Athens； Rhodes； and Rome； and where the
public affairs have been in a continual tempest of commotion； to such
places have the orators always repaired。 And in truth； we shall find few
persons in those republics who have pushed their fortunes to any great
degree of eminence without the assistance of eloquence。
Pompey； Caesar； Crassus； Lucullus； Lentulus； Metellus； thence took their
chiefest spring； to mount to that degree of authority at which they at
last arrived； making it of greater use to them than arms； contrary to the
opinion of better times； for； L。 Volumnius speaking publicly in favour of
the election of （Q。 Fabius and Pub。 Decius； to the consular dignity：
〃These are men；〃 said he； 〃born for war and great in execution； in the
combat of the tongue altogether wanting； spirits truly consular。 The
subtle； eloquent； and learned are only good for the city； to make
praetors of； to administer justice。〃＇Livy； x。 22。＇
Eloquence most flourished at Rome when the public affairs were in the
worst condition and most disquieted with intestine commotions； as a free
and untilled soil bears the worst weeds。 By which it should seem that a
monarchical government has less need of it than any other： for the
stupidity and facility natural to the common people； and that render them
subject to be turned and twined and； led by the ears by this charming
harmony of words； without weighing or considering the truth and reality
of things by the force of reason： this facility； I say； is not easily
found in a single person； and it is also more easy by good education and
advice to secure him from the impression of this poison。 There was never
any famous orator known to come out of Persia or Macedon。
I have entered into this discourse upon the occasion of an Italian I
lately received into my service； and who was clerk of the kitchen to the
late Cardinal Caraffa till his death。 I put this fellow upon an account
of his office： when he fell to discourse of this palate…science； with
such a settled countenance and magisterial gravity； as if he had been
handling some profound point of divinity。 He made a learned distinction
of the several sorts of appetites； of that a man has before he begins to
eat； and of those after the second and third service； the means simply to
satisfy the first； and then to raise and actuate the other two； the
ordering of the sauces； first in general； and then proceeded to the
qualities of the ingredients and their effects； the differences of salads
according to their seasons； those which ought to be served up hot； and
which cold； the manner of their garnishment and decoration to render them
acceptable to the eye。 After which he entered upon the order of the
whole service； full of weighty and important considerations：
〃Nec minimo sane discrimine refert；
Quo gestu lepores； et qu