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clever fam'ly I come of； and looking at the gay shop…winders。
I've got some new close since you last saw me。 I saw them others
wouldn't do。 They carrid the observer too far back into the dim
vister of the past； and I gave 'em to a Orfun Asylum。 The close
I wear now I bo't of Mr。 Moses； in the Commercial Road。 They was
expressly made； Mr。 Moses inforemd me； for a nobleman； but as
they fitted him too muchly； partic'ly the trows'rs （which is
blue； with large red and white checks） he had said：
〃My dear feller； make me some more； only mindbe sure you sell
these to some genteel old feller。〃
I like to saunter thro' Regent Street。 The shops are pretty； and
it does the old man's hart good to see the troops of fine healthy
girls which one may always see there at certain hours in the
afternoon； who don't spile their beauty by devourin cakes and
sugar things； as too many of the American and French lasses do。
It's a mistake about everybody being out of town； I guess。
Regent Street is full。 I'm here； and as I said before； I come of
a very clever fam'ly。
As I was walkin along； amoosin myself by stickin my penknife into
the calves of the footmen who stood waitin by the swell…coaches
（not one of whom howled with angwish）； I was accosted by a man of
about thirty…five summers； who said； 〃I have seen that face
somewheres afore！〃
He was a little shabby in his wearin apparil。 His coat was one
of those black； shiny garments； which you can always tell have
been burnished by adversity； but he was very gentlemanly。
〃Was it in the Crimea； comrade？ Yes； it was。 It was at the
stormin of Sebastopol； where I had a narrow escape from death；
that we met。〃
I said； 〃No； I wasn't at Sebastopol； I escaped a fatal wound by
not bein there。 It was a healthy old fortress；〃 I added。
〃It was。 But it fell。 It came down with a crash。〃
〃And plucky boys they was who brought her down；〃 I added； 〃and
hurrah for 'em！〃
The man graspt me warmly by the hand； and said he had been in
America； Upper Canada； Africa； Asia Minor； and other towns； and
he'd never met a man he liked as much as he did me。
〃Let us；〃 he added； 〃let us to the shrine of Bachus！〃
And he dragged me into a public house。 I was determined to pay；
so I said； 〃Mr。 Bachus； giv this gen'l'man what he calls for。〃
We conversed there in a very pleasant manner till my dinner…time
arrove； when the agreeable gentleman insisted that I should dine
with him。 〃We'll have a banquet； Sir； fit for the gods！〃
I told him good plain vittles would soot me。 If the gods wanted
to have the dispepsy； they was welcome to it。
We had soop and fish； and a hot jint； and growsis； and wines of
rare and costly vintige。 We had ices； and we had froots from
Greenland's icy mountins and Injy's coral strands； and when the
sumptoous reparst was over； the agree'ble man said he'd
unfortnitly left his pocket…book at home on the marble centre…
table。
〃But； by Jove！〃 he said； 〃it was a feast fit for the gods！〃
I said； 〃Oh； never mind；〃 and drew out my puss； tho' I in'ardly
wished the gods； as the dinner was fit for 'em； was there to pay
for it。
I come of a very clever fam'ly。
The agree'ble gentleman then said； 〃Now； I will show you our
Club。 It dates back to the time of William the Conquerer。〃
〃Did Bill belong to it？〃 I inquired。
〃He did。〃
〃Wall；〃 I said； 〃if Billy was one of 'em； I need no other
endorsement as to its respectfulness； and I'll go with you； my
gay trooper boy！〃 And we went off arm…in…arm。
On the way the agree'ble man told me that the Club was called the
Sloshers。 He said I would notice that none of 'em appeared in
evenin dress。 He said it was agin the rools of the club。 In
fack； if any member appeared there in evenin dress he'd be
instantly expeld。 〃And yit；〃 he added； 〃there's geneyus there；
and lorfty emotions； and intelleck。 You'll be surprised at the
quantities of intelleck you'll see there。〃
We reached the Sloshers in due time； and I must say they was a
shaky…looking lot； and the public house where they convened was
certingly none of the best。
The Sloshers crowded round me； and said I was welcome。
〃What a beautiful brest…pin you've got；〃 said one of 'em。
〃Permit me；〃 and he took it out of my neckercher。 〃Isn't it
luvly；〃 he said； parsin it to another； who parsed it to another。
It was given me by my Aunt； on my promisin her I'd never swear
profanely； and I never have； except on very special occasions。 I
see that beautiful boosum pin a parsin from one Slosher to
another； and I'm reminded of them sad words of the poit； 〃parsin
away！ parsin away！〃 I never saw it no more。
Then in comes a athletic female； who no sooner sees me than she
utters a wild yell； and cries：
〃At larst！ at larst！ My Wilyim； from the seas！〃
I said； 〃not at all； Marm。 Not on no account。 I have heard the
boatswain pipe to quartersbut a voice in my heart didn't
whisper Seu…zan！ I've belayed the marlin…spikes on the upper
jibpoop； but Seu…zan's eye wasn't on me； much。 Young woman； I
am not you're Saler boy。 Far different。〃
〃Oh yes； you are！〃 she howled； seizin me round the neck。 〃Oh；
how I've lookt forwards to this meetin！〃
〃And you'll presently；〃 I said； 〃have a opportunity of lookin
backwards to it； because I'm on the point of leavin this
institution。〃
I will here observe that I come of a very clever family。 A very
clever fam'ly； indeed。
〃Where；〃 I cried； as I struggled in vain to release myself from
the eccentric female's claws； 〃where is the Captingthe man who
was into the Crimea； amidst the cannon's thunder？ I want him。〃
He came forward； and cried； 〃What do I see？ Me Sister！ me sweet
Adulaide！ and in teers！ Willin！〃 he screamed； 〃and you're the
serpent I took to my boosum； and borrowed money of； and went
round with； and was cheerful with； are you？You ought to be
ashamed of yourself。〃
Somehow my coat was jerked off； the brest…pocket of which
contained my pocket…book； and it parsed away like the brest pin。
Then they sorter quietly hustled me into the street。
It was about 12 at night when I reached the Green Lion。
〃Ha！ ha！ you sly old rascal； you've been up to larks！〃 said the
lan'lord； larfin loudly； and digging his fist into my ribs。
I said； 〃Bigsby； if you do that agin； I shall hit you！ Much as I
respect you and your excellent faml'y； I shall disfiger your
beneverlent countenance for life！〃
〃What has ruffled your spirits； friend？〃 said the lan'lord。
〃My spirits has been ruffled；〃 I ansered in a bittur voice； 〃by a
viper who was into the Crimea。 What good was it；〃 I cried； 〃for
Sebastopol to fall down without enwelopin in its ruins that
viper？〃
I then went to bed。 I come of a very clever fam'ly。
Artemus Ward。
5。6。 THE TOWER OF LONDON。
MR。 PUNCH； My dear Sir；I skurcely need inform you that your
excellent Tower is very pop'lar with peple from the agricultooral
districks； and it was chiefly them class which I found waitin at
the gates the other mornin。
I saw at once that the Tower was established on a firm basis。 In
the entire history of firm basisis I don't find a basis more
firmer than this one。
〃You have no Tower in America？〃 said a man in the crowd； who had
somehow detected my denomination。
〃Alars！ no；〃 I ansered； 〃we boste of our enterprise and
improvements； and yit we are devoid of a Tower。 America； oh my
onhappy country！ thou hast not got no Tower！ It's a sweet Boon。〃
The gates was opened after awhile； and we all purchist tickets
and went into a waitin…room。
〃My frens；〃 said a pale…faced little man； in black close； 〃this
is a sad day。〃
〃Inasmuch as to how？〃 I said。
〃I mean it is sad to think that so many peple have been killed
within these gloomy walls。 My frens； let us drop a tear！〃
〃No；〃 I said； 〃you must excuse me。 Others may drop one if they
feel like it； but as for me； I decline。 The early managers of
this institootion were a bad lot； and their crimes were trooly
orful； but I can't sob for those who died four or five hundred
years ago。 If they was my own relations I couldn't。 It's absurd
to shed sobs over things which occurd during the rain of Henry
the Three。 Let us be cheerful；〃 I continnerd 〃Look at the festiv
Warders； in their red flannil jackets。 They are cheerful； and
why should it not be thusly with us？〃
A Warder now took us in charge； and showed us the Trater's Gate；
the armers； and things。 The Trater's Gate is wide enuff to admit
about twenty trater's abrest； I should jedge； but beyond this； I
couldn't see that it was superior to gates in gen'ral。
Traters； I will here remark； are a onfortnit class of peple。 If
they wasn't； they wouldn't be traters。 They conspire to bust up
a countrythey fail； and they're traters。 They bust her； and
they become statesmen and heroes。
Take the case of Gloster； afterwards Old Dick the Three； who may
be seen at the Tower； on horseback； in a heavy tin overcoattake
Mr。 Gloster's case。 Mr。 G。 was a conspirater of the basist dye；
and if he'd failed； he would have been hung on a sour apple tree。
But Mr。 G。 succeeded； and became great。 He was slewd by Col。
Richmond； but