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But Mr。 G。 succeeded； and became great。 He was slewd by Col。
Richmond； but he lives in histry； and his equestrian figger may
be seen daily for a sixpence； in conjunction with other em'nent
persons； and no extra charge for the Warder's able and bootiful
lectur。
There's one king in the room who is mounted onto a foamin steed；
his right hand graspin a barber's pole。 I didn't learn his name。
The room where the daggers and pistils and other weppins is kept
is interestin。 Among this collection of choice cutlery I notist
the bow and arrer which those hot…heded old chaps used to conduct
battles with。 It is quite like the bow and arrer used at this
day by certin tribes of American Injuns； and they shoot 'em off
with such a excellent precision that I almost sigh'd to be a
Injun； when I was in the Rocky Mountain regin。 They are a
pleasant lot them Injuns。 Mr。 Cooper and Dr。 Catlin have told us
of the red man's wonerful eloquence； and I found it so。 Our
party was stopt on the plains of Utah by a band of Shoshones；
whose chief said：
〃Brothers！ the pale…face is welcome。 Brothers！ the sun is
sinkin in the West； and Wa…na…bucky…she will soon cease speakin。
Brothers！ the poor red man belongs to a race which is fast
becomin extink。〃
He then whooped in a shrill manner； stole all our blankets and
whisky； and fled to the primeval forest to conceal his emotions。
I will remark here； while on the subjeck of Injuns； that they are
in the main a very shaky set； with even less sense than the
Fenians； and when I hear philanthropists bewailin the fack that
every year 〃carries the noble red man nearer the settin sun；〃 I
simply have to say I'm glad of it； tho' it is rough on the settin
sun。 They call you by the sweet name of Brother one minit； and
the next they scalp you with their Thomashawks。 But I wander。
Let us return to the Tower。
At one end of the room where the weppins is kept； is a wax figger
of Queen Elizabeth； mounted on a fiery stuffed hoss； whose glass
eye flashes with pride； and whose red morocker nostril dilates
hawtily； as if conscious of the royal burden he bears。 I have
associated Elizabeth with the Spanish Armady。 She's mixed up
with it at the Surry Theatre； where 〃Troo to the Core〃 is bein
acted； and in which a full bally core is introjooced on board the
Spanish Admiral's ship； givin the audiens the idee that he
intends openin a moosic…hall in Plymouth the moment he conkers
that town。 But a very interesting drammer is 〃Troo to the Core；〃
notwithstandin the eccentric conduck of the Spanish Admiral； and
very nice it is in Queen Elizabeth to make Martin Truegold a
baronet。
The Warder shows us some instrooments of tortur； such as
thumbscrews； throat…collars； etc。； statin that these was conkerd
from the Spanish Armady； and addin what a crooil peple the
Spaniards was in them dayswhich elissited from a bright eyed
little girl of about twelve summers the remark that she tho't it
WAS rich to talk about the crooilty of the Spaniards usin
thumbscrews； when we was in a Tower where so many poor pepl's
heads had been cut off。 This made the Warder stammer and turn
red。
I was so blessed with the little girl's brightness that I could
have kissed the dear child； and I would if she'd been six years
older。
I think my companions intended makin a day of it； for they all
had sandwiches； sassiges； etc。 The sad…lookin man； who had
wanted us to drop a tear afore we started to go round； fling'd
such quantities of sassige into his mouth； that I expected to see
him choke hisself to death。 He said to me； in the Beauchamp
Tower； where the poor prisoners writ their onhappy names on the
cold walls； 〃This is a sad sight。〃
〃It is； indeed；〃 I anserd。 〃You're black in the face。 You
shouldn't eat sassige in public without some rehearsals
beforehand。 You manage it orkwardly。〃
〃No；〃 he said； 〃I mean this sad room。〃
Indeed； he was quite right。 Tho' so long ago all these drefful
things happened； I was very glad to git away from this gloomy
room； and go where the rich and sparklin Crown Jewils is kept。 I
was so pleased with the Queen's Crown； that it occurd to me what
a agree'ble surprise it would be to send a sim'lar one home to my
wife； and I asked the Warder what was the vally of a good；
well…constructed Crown like that。 He told me； but on cypherin up
with a pencil the amount of funs I have in the Jint Stock Bank； I
conclooded I'd send her a genteel silver watch instid。
And so I left the Tower。 It is a solid and commandin edifis； but
I deny that it is cheerful。 I bid it adoo without a pang。
I was droven to my hotel by the most melancholly driver of a
four…wheeler that I ever saw。 He heaved a deep sigh as I gave
him two shillings。
〃I'll give you six d。's more；〃 I said； 〃if it hurts you so。〃
〃It isn't that；〃 he said； with a hart…rendin groan； 〃it's only a
way I have。 My mind's upset to…day。 I at one time tho't I'd
drive you into the Thames。 I've been readin in all the daily
papers to try and understand about Governor Ayre； and my mind is
totterin。 It's really wonderful I didn't drive you into the
Thames。〃
I asked the onhappy man what his number was； so I could redily
find him in case I should want him agin； and bad him good…bye。
And then I tho't what a frollicksome day I'd made of it。
Respectably； &c。
Artemus Ward。
5。7。 SCIENCE AND NATURAL HISTORY。
MR。 PUNCH； My dear Sir；I was a little disapinted in not
receivin a invitation to jine in the meetins of the Social
Science Congress。
I don't exackly see how they go on without me。
I hope it wasn't the intentions of the Sciencers to exclood me
from their deliberations。
Let it pars。 I do not repine。 Let us remember Homer。 Twenty
cities claim Homer dead； thro' which the livin Mr。 Homer couldn't
have got trusted for a sandwich and a glass of bitter beer； or
words to that effect。
But perhaps it was a oversight。 Certinly I have been hospitably
rec'd in this country。 Hospitality has been pored all over me。
At Liverpool I was asked to walk all over the docks； which are
nine miles along； and I don't remember a instance since my 'rival
in London of my gettin into a cab without a Briton comin and
perlitly shuttin the door for me； and then extendin his open hand
to'ards me； in the most frenly manner possible。 Does he not； by
this simple yit tuchin gesture； welcum me to England？ Doesn't
he？ Oh yesI guess he doesn't he。 And it's quite right among
two great countries which speak the same langwidge； except as
regards H's。 And I've been allowed to walk round all the
streets。 Even at Buckinham Pallis； I told a guard I wanted to
walk round there； and he said I could walk round there。 I
ascertained subsequent that he referd to the sidewalk instid of
the Pallisbut I couldn't doubt his hospital feelins。
I prepared a Essy on Animals to read before the Social Science
meetins。 It is a subjeck I may troothfully say I have
successfully wrastled with。 I tackled it when only nineteen
years old。 At that tender age I writ a Essy for a lit'ry
Institoot entitled； 〃Is Cats to be Trusted？〃 Of the merits of
that Essy it doesn't becum me to speak； but I may be excoos'd for
mentionin that the Institoot parsed a resolution that 〃whether we
look upon the length of this Essy； or the manner in which it is
written； we feel that we will not express any opinion of it； and
we hope it will be read in other towns。〃
Of course the Essy I writ for the Social Science Society is a
more finisheder production than the one on Cats； which was wroten
when my mind was crood； and afore I had masterd a graceful and
ellygant stile of composition。 I could not even punctooate my
sentences proper at that time； and I observe with pane； on lookin
over this effort of my yooth； that its beauty is in one or two
instances mar'd by ingrammaticisms。 This was unexcusable； and
I'm surprised I did it。 A writer who can't write in a grammerly
manner better shut up shop。
You shall hear this Essy on Animals。 Some day when you have four
hours to spare； I'll read it to you。 I think you'll enjoy it。
Or； what will be much better； if I may suggestomit all picturs
in next week's 〃Punch；〃 and do not let your contributors write
enything whatever （let them have a holiday； they can go to the
British Mooseum；） and publish my Essy intire。 It will fill all
your collumes full； and create comment。 Does this proposition
strike you？ Is it a go？〃
In case I had read the Essy to the Social Sciencers； I had
intended it should be the closin attraction。 I had intended it
should finish the proceedins。 I think it would have finished
them。 I understand animals better than any other class of human
creatures。 I have a very animal mind； and I've been identified
with 'em doorin my entire professional career as a showman； more
especial bears； wolves； leopards and serpunts。
The leopard is as lively a animal as I ever came into contack
with。 It is troo he cannot change his spots； but you can change
'em for him with a paint…brush； as I once did in the case of a
leopard who wasn't nat'rally spotted in a attractive m