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'em for him with a paint…brush； as I once did in the case of a
leopard who wasn't nat'rally spotted in a attractive manner。 In
exhibitin him I used to stir him up in his cage with a protracted
pole； and for the purpuss of making him yell and kick up in a
leopardy manner； I used to casionally whack him over the head。
This would make the children inside the booth scream with fright；
which would make fathers of families outside the booth very
anxious to come inbecause there is a large class of parents who
have a uncontrollable passion for takin their children to places
where they will stand a chance of being frightened to death。
One day I whacked this leopard more than ushil； which elissited a
remonstrance from a tall gentleman in spectacles； who said； 〃My
good man； do not beat the poor caged animal。 Rather fondle him。〃
〃I'll fondle him with a club；〃 I anserd； hitting him another
whack。
〃I prythy desist；〃 said the gentleman； 〃stand aside； and see the
effeck of kindness。 I understand the idiosyncracies of these
creeturs better than you do。〃
With that he went up to the cage； and thrustin his face in
between the iron bars； he said； soothinly； 〃Come hither； pretty
creetur。〃
The pretty creetur come…hithered rayther speedy； and seized the
gentleman by the whiskers； which he tore off about enuff to stuff
a small cushion with。
He said； 〃You vagabone； I'll have you indicted for exhibitin
dangerous and immoral animals。〃
I replied； 〃Gentle Sir； there isn't a animal here that hasn't a
beautiful moral； but you mustn't fondle 'em。 You mustn't meddle
with their idiotsyncracies。〃
The gentleman was a dramatic cricket； and he wrote a article for
a paper； in which he said my entertainment was a decided failure。
As regards Bears； you can teach 'em to do interesting things； but
they're onreliable。 I had a very large grizzly bear once； who
would dance； and larf； and lay down； and bow his head in grief；
and give a mournful wale； etsetry。 But he often annoyed me。 It
will be remembered that on the occasion of the first battle of
Bull Run； it suddenly occurd to the Fed'ral soldiers that they
had business in Washington which ought not to be neglected； and
they all started for that beautiful and romantic city；
maintaining a rate of speed durin the entire distance that would
have done credit to the celebrated French steed 〃Gladiateur。〃
Very nat'rally our Gov'ment was deeply grieved at this defeat；
and I said to my Bear； shortly after； as I was givin a exhibition
in OhioI said； 〃Brewin； are you not sorry the National arms has
sustained a defeat？〃 His business was to wale dismal； and bow
his head down； the band （a barrel organ and a wiolin） playin slow
and melancholly moosic。 What did the grizzly old cuss do；
however； but commence darncin and larfin in the most joyous
manner？ I had a narrer escape from being imprisoned for
disloyalty。
I will relate another incident in the career of this retchid
Bear。 I used to present what I called in the bills a Beautiful
living Picturshowing the Bear's fondness for his Master： in
which I'd lay down on a piece of carpeting； and the Bear would
come and lay down beside me； restin his right paw on my breast；
the Band playing 〃Home； Sweet Home；〃 very soft and slow。 Altho'
I say it； it was a tuchin thing to see。 I've seen Tax…Collectors
weep over that performance。
Well； one day I said； 〃Ladies and Gentlemen； we will show you the
Bear's fondness for his master；〃 and I went and laid down。 I
tho't I observed a pecooliar expression into his eyes； as he
rolled clumsily to'ards me； but I didn't dream of the scene which
follered。 He laid down； and put his paw on my breast。
〃Affection of the Bear for his Master；〃 I repeated。 〃You see the
Monarch of the Western Wilds in a subjugated state。 Fierce as
these animals naturally are； we now see that they have hearts and
can love。 This Bear； the largest in the world； and measurin
seventeen feet round the body； loves me as a mer…ther loves her
che…ild！〃 But what was my horror when the grizzly and infamus
Bear threw his other paw UNDER me； and riz with me to his feet。
Then claspin me in a close embrace he waltzed up and down the
platform in a frightful manner； I yellin with fear and anguish。
To make matters wuss； a low scurrilus young man in the audiens
hollered out：
〃Playfulness of the Bear！ Quick moosic！〃
I jest 'scaped with my life。 The Bear met with a wiolent death
the next day； by bein in the way when a hevily loaded gun was
fired off by one of my men。
But you should hear my Essy which I wrote for the Social Science
Meetins。 It would have had a movin effeck on them。
I feel that I must now conclood。
I have read Earl Bright's speech at Leeds； and I hope we shall
now hear from John Derby。 I trust that not only they； but Wm。 E。
Stanley and Lord Gladstone will cling inflexibly to those great
fundamental principles； which they understand far better than I
do； and I will add that I do not understand anything about any of
them whatever in the leastand let us all be happy； and live
within our means； even if we have to borrer money to do it with。
Very respectfully yours；
Artemus Ward。
5。8。 A VISIT TO THE BRITISH MUSEUM。
MR。 PUNCH； My dear Sir；You didn't get a instructiv article from
my pen last week on account of my nervus sistim havin underwent a
dreffle shock。 I got caught in a brief shine of sun； and it
utterly upsot me。 I was walkin in Regent Street one day last
week； enjoyin your rich black fog and bracing rains； when all at
once the Sun bust out and actooally shone for nearly half an hour
steady。 I acted promptly。 I called a cab and told the driver to
run his hoss at a friteful rate of speed to my lodgins； but it
wasn't of no avale。 I had orful cramps； and my appytite left me；
and my pults went down to 10 degrees below zero。 But by careful
nussin I shall no doubt recover speedy； if the present sparklin
and exileratin weather continners。
＇All of the foregoin is sarcasum。＇
It's a sing'lar fack； but I never sot eyes on your excellent
British Mooseum till the other day。 I've sent a great many peple
there； as also to your genial Tower of London； however。 It
happened thusly： When one of my excellent countrymen jest
arrived in London would come and see me； and display a
inclination to cling to me too lengthy； thus showing a respect
for me which I feel I do not deserve； I would sugjest a visit to
the Mooseum and Tower。 The Mooseum would ockepy him a day at
leest； and the Tower another。 Thus I've derived considerable
peace and comfort from them noble edifisses； and I hope they will
long continner to grace your metroplis。 There's my fren Col。
Larkins； from Wisconsin； who I regret to say understands the
Jamaica question； and wants to talk with me about it； I sent him
to the Tower four days ago； and he hasn't got throogh with it
yit。 He likes it very much； and he writes me that he can't never
thank me sufficient for directin him to so interestin a bildin。
I writ him not to mention it。 The Col。 says it is fortnit we
live in a intellectooal age which wouldn't countenance such
infamus things as occurd in this Tower。 I'm aware that it is
fashin'ble to compliment this age； but I ain't so clear that the
Col。 is altogether right。 This is a very respectable age； but
it's pretty easily riled； and considerin upon how slight a
provycation we who live in it go to cuttin each other's throats；
it may perhaps be doubted whether our intellecks is so much
massiver than our ancestors' intellecks was； after all。
I allus ride outside with the cabman。 I am of humble parentage；
but I have （if you will permit me to say so） the spirit of the
eagle； which chafes when shut up in a four…wheeler； and I feel
much eagler when I'm in the open air。 So on the mornin on which
I went to the Mooseum I lit a pipe； and callin a cab； I told the
driver to take me there as quick as his Arabian charger could go。
The driver was under the inflooence of beer and narrerly escaped
runnin over a aged female in the match trade； whereupon I
remonstratid with him。 I said； 〃That poor old woman may be the
only mother of a young man like you。〃 Then throwing considerable
pathos into my voice； I said：
〃That poor old woman may be the only mother of a young man like
you。 Then throwing considerable pathos into my voice I said；
〃You have a mother？〃
He said； 〃You lie！〃 I got down and called another cab； but said
nothin to this driver about his parents。
The British Mooseum is a magnificent free show for the people。
It is kept open for the benefit of all。
The humble costymonger； who traverses the busy streets with a
cart containin all kinds of vegetables； such as carrots； turnips；
etc； and drawn by a spirited jackasshe can go to the Mooseum
and reap benefits therefrom as well as the lord of high degree。
〃And this；〃 I said； 〃is the British Mooseum！ 〃These noble
walls；〃 I continnerd； punching them with my umbreller to see if
the masonry was all rightbut I wasn't allowd to finish my
enthoosiastic remarks； for a man with a gold band on his hat
said； in a hash v