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The Lazy Tour of Two Idle Apprentices
by Charles Dickens
CHAPTER I
In the autumn month of September； eighteen hundred and fifty…seven；
wherein these presents bear date； two idle apprentices； exhausted
by the long； hot summer； and the long； hot work it had brought with
it； ran away from their employer。 They were bound to a highly
meritorious lady （named Literature）； of fair credit and repute；
though； it must be acknowledged； not quite so highly esteemed in
the City as she might be。 This is the more remarkable； as there is
nothing against the respectable lady in that quarter； but quite the
contrary； her family having rendered eminent service to many famous
citizens of London。 It may be sufficient to name Sir William
Walworth； Lord Mayor under King Richard II。； at the time of Wat
Tyler's insurrection； and Sir Richard Whittington： which latter
distinguished man and magistrate was doubtless indebted to the
lady's family for the gift of his celebrated cat。 There is also
strong reason to suppose that they rang the Highgate bells for him
with their own hands。
The misguided young men who thus shirked their duty to the mistress
from whom they had received many favours； were actuated by the low
idea of making a perfectly idle trip； in any direction。 They had
no intention of going anywhere in particular； they wanted to see
nothing； they wanted to know nothing； they wanted to learn nothing；
they wanted to do nothing。 They wanted only to be idle。 They took
to themselves （after HOGARTH）； the names of Mr。 Thomas Idle and Mr。
Francis Goodchild； but there was not a moral pin to choose between
them； and they were both idle in the last degree。
Between Francis and Thomas； however； there was this difference of
character： Goodchild was laboriously idle； and would take upon
himself any amount of pains and labour to assure himself that he
was idle； in short； had no better idea of idleness than that it was
useless industry。 Thomas Idle； on the other hand； was an idler of
the unmixed Irish or Neapolitan type； a passive idler； a born…and…
bred idler； a consistent idler； who practised what he would have
preached if he had not been too idle to preach； a one entire and
perfect chrysolite of idleness。
The two idle apprentices found themselves； within a few hours of
their escape； walking down into the North of England； that is to
say； Thomas was lying in a meadow； looking at the railway trains as
they passed over a distant viaduct … which was HIS idea of walking
down into the North； while Francis was walking a mile due South
against time … which was HIS idea of walking down into the North。
In the meantime the day waned； and the milestones remained
unconquered。
'Tom；' said Goodchild； 'the sun is getting low。 Up； and let us go
forward！'
'Nay；' quoth Thomas Idle； 'I have not done with Annie Laurie yet。'
And he proceeded with that idle but popular ballad； to the effect
that for the bonnie young person of that name he would 'lay him
doon and dee' … equivalent； in prose； to lay him down and die。
'What an ass that fellow was！' cried Goodchild； with the bitter
emphasis of contempt。
'Which fellow？' asked Thomas Idle。
'The fellow in your song。 Lay him doon and dee！ Finely he'd show
off before the girl by doing THAT。 A sniveller！ Why couldn't he
get up； and punch somebody's head！'
'Whose？' asked Thomas Idle。
'Anybody's。 Everybody's would be better than nobody's！ If I fell
into that state of mind about a girl； do you think I'd lay me doon
and dee？ No； sir；' proceeded Goodchild； with a disparaging
assumption of the Scottish accent； 'I'd get me oop and peetch into
somebody。 Wouldn't you？'
'I wouldn't have anything to do with her；' yawned Thomas Idle。
'Why should I take the trouble？'
'It's no trouble； Tom； to fall in love；' said Goodchild； shaking
his head。
'It's trouble enough to fall out of it； once you're in it；'
retorted Tom。 'So I keep out of it altogether。 It would be better
for you； if you did the same。'
Mr。 Goodchild； who is always in love with somebody； and not
unfrequently with several objects at once； made no reply。 He
heaved a sigh of the kind which is termed by the lower orders 'a
bellowser；' and then； heaving Mr。 Idle on his feet （who was not
half so heavy as the sigh）； urged him northward。
These two had sent their personal baggage on by train： only
retaining each a knapsack。 Idle now applied himself to constantly
regretting the train； to tracking it through the intricacies of
Bradshaw's Guide； and finding out where it is now … and where now …
and where now … and to asking what was the use of walking； when you
could ride at such a pace as that。 Was it to see the country？ If
that was the object； look at it out of the carriage windows。 There
was a great deal more of it to be seen there than here。 Besides；
who wanted to see the country？ Nobody。 And again； whoever did
walk？ Nobody。 Fellows set off to walk； but they never did it。
They came back and said they did； but they didn't。 Then why should
he walk？ He wouldn't walk。 He swore it by this milestone！
It was the fifth from London； so far had they penetrated into the
North。 Submitting to the powerful chain of argument； Goodchild
proposed a return to the Metropolis； and a falling back upon Euston
Square Terminus。 Thomas assented with alacrity； and so they walked
down into the North by the next morning's express； and carried
their knapsacks in the luggage…van。
It was like all other expresses； as every express is and must be。
It bore through the harvest country a smell like a large washing…
day； and a sharp issue of steam as from a huge brazen tea…urn。 The
greatest power in nature and art combined； it yet glided over
dangerous heights in the sight of people looking up from fields and
roads； as smoothly and unreally as a light miniature plaything。
Now； the engine shrieked in hysterics of such intensity； that it
seemed desirable that the men who had her in charge should hold her
feet； slap her hands； and bring her to； now； burrowed into tunnels
with a stubborn and undemonstrative energy so confusing that the
train seemed to be flying back into leagues of darkness。 Here；
were station after station； swallowed up by the express without
stopping； here； stations where it fired itself in like a volley of
cannon…balls； swooped away four country…people with nosegays； and
three men of business with portmanteaus； and fired itself off
again； bang； bang； bang！ At long intervals were uncomfortable
refreshment…rooms； made more uncomfortable by the scorn of Beauty
towards Beast； the public （but to whom she never relented； as
Beauty did in the story； towards the other Beast）； and where
sensitive stomachs were fed； with a contemptuous sharpness
occasioning indigestion。 Here； again； were stations with nothing
going but a bell； and wonderful wooden razors set aloft on great
posts； shaving the air。 In these fields； the horses； sheep； and
cattle were well used to the thundering meteor； and didn't mind； in
those； they were all set scampering together； and a herd of pigs
scoured after them。 The pastoral country darkened； became coaly；
became smoky； became infernal； got better； got worse； improved
again； grew rugged； turned romantic； was a wood； a stream； a chain
of hills； a gorge； a moor； a cathedral town； a fortified place； a
waste。 Now； miserable black dwellings； a black canal； and sick
black towers of chimneys； now； a trim garden； where the flowers
were bright and fair； now； a wilderness of hideous altars all a…
blaze； now； the water meadows with their fairy rings； now； the
mangy patch of unlet building ground outside the stagnant town；
with the larger ring where the Circus was last week。 The
temperature changed； the dialect changed； the people changed； faces
got sharper； manner got shorter； eyes got shrewder and harder； yet
all so quickly； that the spruce guard in the London uniform and
silver lace； had not yet rumpled his shirt…collar； delivered half
the dispatches in his shiny little pouch； or read his newspaper。
Carlisle！ Idle and Goodchild had got to Carlisle。 It looked
congenially and delightfully idle。 Something in the way of public
amusement had happened last month； and something else was going to
happen before Christmas； and； in the meantime there was a lecture
on India for those who liked it … which Idle and Goodchild did not。
Likewise； by those who liked them； there were impressions to be
bought of all the vapid prints； going and gone； and of nearly all
the vapid books。 For those who wanted to put anything in
missionary boxes； here were the boxes。 For those who wanted the
Reverend Mr。 Podgers （artist's proofs； thirty shillings）； here was
Mr。 Podgers to any amount。 Not less gracious and abundant； Mr。
Codgers also of the vineyard； but opposed to Mr。 P