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I could read it for myself … and that I was going to be knouted by
a noble personage in a fur cap； boots； and earrings； who； I think；
must have come out of some melodrama。
Commend me to the beautiful waters among these mountains！ Though I
was not of their mind： they； being inveterately bent on getting
down into the level country； and I ardently desiring to linger
where I was。 What desperate leaps they took； what dark abysses
they plunged into； what rocks they wore away； what echoes they
invoked！ In one part where I went； they were pressed into the
service of carrying wood down； to be burnt next winter； as costly
fuel； in Italy。 But； their fierce savage nature was not to be
easily constrained； and they fought with every limb of the wood；
whirling it round and round； stripping its bark away； dashing it
against pointed corners； driving it out of the course； and roaring
and flying at the peasants who steered it back again from the bank
with long stout poles。 Alas！ concurrent streams of time and water
carried ME down fast； and I came； on an exquisitely clear day； to
the Lausanne shore of the Lake of Geneva； where I stood looking at
the bright blue water； the flushed white mountains opposite； and
the boats at my feet with their furled Mediterranean sails； showing
like enormous magnifications of this goose…quill pen that is now in
my hand。
… The sky became overcast without any notice； a wind very like the
March east wind of England； blew across me； and a voice said； 'How
do you like it？ Will it do？'
I had merely shut myself； for half a minute； in a German travelling
chariot that stood for sale in the Carriage Department of the
London Pantechnicon。 I had a commission to buy it； for a friend
who was going abroad； and the look and manner of the chariot； as I
tried the cushions and the springs； brought all these hints of
travelling remembrance before me。
'It will do very well；' said I； rather sorrowfully； as I got out at
the other door； and shut the carriage up。
CHAPTER VIII … THE GREAT TASMANIA'S CARGO
I travel constantly； up and down a certain line of railway that has
a terminus in London。 It is the railway for a large military
depot； and for other large barracks。 To the best of my serious
belief； I have never been on that railway by daylight； without
seeing some handcuffed deserters in the train。
It is in the nature of things that such an institution as our
English army should have many bad and troublesome characters in it。
But； this is a reason for； and not against； its being made as
acceptable as possible to well…disposed men of decent behaviour。
Such men are assuredly not tempted into the ranks； by the beastly
inversion of natural laws； and the compulsion to live in worse than
swinish foulness。 Accordingly； when any such Circumlocutional
embellishments of the soldier's condition have of late been brought
to notice； we civilians； seated in outer darkness cheerfully
meditating on an Income Tax； have considered the matter as being
our business； and have shown a tendency to declare that we would
rather not have it misregulated； if such declaration may； without
violence to the Church Catechism； be hinted to those who are put in
authority over us。
Any animated description of a modern battle； any private soldier's
letter published in the newspapers； any page of the records of the
Victoria Cross； will show that in the ranks of the army； there
exists under all disadvantages as fine a sense of duty as is to be
found in any station on earth。 Who doubts that if we all did our
duty as faithfully as the soldier does his； this world would be a
better place？ There may be greater difficulties in our way than in
the soldier's。 Not disputed。 But； let us at least do our duty
towards HIM。
I had got back again to that rich and beautiful port where I had
looked after Mercantile Jack； and I was walking up a hill there； on
a wild March morning。 My conversation with my official friend
Pangloss； by whom I was accidentally accompanied； took this
direction as we took the up…hill direction； because the object of
my uncommercial journey was to see some discharged soldiers who had
recently come home from India。 There were men of HAVELOCK's among
them； there were men who had been in many of the great battles of
the great Indian campaign； among them； and I was curious to note
what our discharged soldiers looked like； when they were done with。
I was not the less interested （as I mentioned to my official friend
Pangloss） because these men had claimed to be discharged； when
their right to be discharged was not admitted。 They had behaved
with unblemished fidelity and bravery； but； a change of
circumstances had arisen； which； as they considered； put an end to
their compact and entitled them to enter on a new one。 Their
demand had been blunderingly resisted by the authorities in India：
but； it is to be presumed that the men were not far wrong； inasmuch
as the bungle had ended in their being sent home discharged； in
pursuance of orders from home。 （There was an immense waste of
money； of course。）
Under these circumstances … thought I； as I walked up the hill； on
which I accidentally encountered my official friend … under these
circumstances of the men having successfully opposed themselves to
the Pagoda Department of that great Circumlocution Office on which
the sun never sets and the light of reason never rises； the Pagoda
Department will have been particularly careful of the national
honour。 It will have shown these men； in the scrupulous good
faith； not to say the generosity； of its dealing with them； that
great national authorities can have no small retaliations and
revenges。 It will have made every provision for their health on
the passage home； and will have landed them； restored from their
campaigning fatigues by a sea…voyage； pure air； sound food； and
good medicines。 And I pleased myself with dwelling beforehand； on
the great accounts of their personal treatment which these men
would carry into their various towns and villages； and on the
increasing popularity of the service that would insensibly follow。
I almost began to hope that the hitherto…never…failing deserters on
my railroad would by…and…by become a phenomenon。
In this agreeable frame of mind I entered the workhouse of
Liverpool。 … For； the cultivation of laurels in a sandy soil； had
brought the soldiers in question to THAT abode of Glory。
Before going into their wards to visit them； I inquired how they
had made their triumphant entry there？ They had been brought
through the rain in carts it seemed； from the landing…place to the
gate； and had then been carried up…stairs on the backs of paupers。
Their groans and pains during the performance of this glorious
pageant； had been so distressing； as to bring tears into the eyes
of spectators but too well accustomed to scenes of suffering。 The
men were so dreadfully cold； that those who could get near the
fires were hard to be restrained from thrusting their feet in among
the blazing coals。 They were so horribly reduced； that they were
awful to look upon。 Racked with dysentery and blackened with
scurvy； one hundred and forty wretched soldiers had been revived
with brandy and laid in bed。
My official friend Pangloss is lineally descended from a learned
doctor of that name； who was once tutor to Candide； an ingenious
young gentleman of some celebrity。 In his personal character； he
is as humane and worthy a gentleman as any I know； in his official
capacity； he unfortunately preaches the doctrines of his renowned
ancestor； by demonstrating on all occasions that we live in the
best of all possible official worlds。
'In the name of Humanity；' said I； 'how did the men fall into this
deplorable state？ Was the ship well found in stores？'
'I am not here to asseverate that I know the fact； of my own
knowledge；' answered Pangloss； 'but I have grounds for asserting
that the stores were the best of all possible stores。'
A medical officer laid before us； a handful of rotten biscuit； and
a handful of split peas。 The biscuit was a honeycombed heap of
maggots； and the excrement of maggots。 The peas were even harder
than this filth。 A similar handful had been experimentally boiled
six hours； and had shown no signs of softening。 These were the
stores on which the soldiers had been fed。
'The beef … ' I began； when Pangloss cut me short。
'Was the best of all possible beef；' said he。
But； behold； there was laid before us certain evidence given at the
Coroner's Inquest； holden on some of the men （who had obstinately
died of their treatment）； and from that evidence it appeared that
the beef was the worst of possible beef！
'Then I lay my hand upon my heart； and take my stand；' said
Pangloss； 'by the pork； which was the best of all possible pork。'