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my door； 'many happy returns of the day。' Thereupon a new thought
came into my mind； driving its predecessor out； and I began to
recall … instead of Inns … the birthdays that I have put up at； on
my way to this present sheet of paper。
I can very well remember being taken out to visit some peach…faced
creature in a blue sash； and shoes to correspond； whose life I
supposed to consist entirely of birthdays。 Upon seed…cake； sweet
wine； and shining presents； that glorified young person seemed to
me to be exclusively reared。 At so early a stage of my travels did
I assist at the anniversary of her nativity （and become enamoured
of her）； that I had not yet acquired the recondite knowledge that a
birthday is the common property of all who are born； but supposed
it to be a special gift bestowed by the favouring Heavens on that
one distinguished infant。 There was no other company； and we sat
in a shady bower … under a table； as my better （or worse） knowledge
leads me to believe … and were regaled with saccharine substances
and liquids； until it was time to part。 A bitter powder was
administered to me next morning； and I was wretched。 On the whole；
a pretty accurate foreshadowing of my more mature experiences in
such wise！
Then came the time when； inseparable from one's own birthday； was a
certain sense of merit； a consciousness of well…earned distinction。
When I regarded my birthday as a graceful achievement of my own； a
monument of my perseverance； independence； and good sense；
redounding greatly to my honour。 This was at about the period when
Olympia Squires became involved in the anniversary。 Olympia was
most beautiful （of course）； and I loved her to that degree； that I
used to be obliged to get out of my little bed in the night；
expressly to exclaim to Solitude； 'O； Olympia Squires！' Visions of
Olympia； clothed entirely in sage…green； from which I infer a
defectively educated taste on the part of her respected parents；
who were necessarily unacquainted with the South Kensington Museum；
still arise before me。 Truth is sacred； and the visions are
crowned by a shining white beaver bonnet； impossibly suggestive of
a little feminine postboy。 My memory presents a birthday when
Olympia and I were taken by an unfeeling relative … some cruel
uncle； or the like … to a slow torture called an Orrery。 The
terrible instrument was set up at the local Theatre； and I had
expressed a profane wish in the morning that it was a Play： for
which a serious aunt had probed my conscience deep； and my pocket
deeper； by reclaiming a bestowed half…crown。 It was a venerable
and a shabby Orrery； at least one thousand stars and twenty…five
comets behind the age。 Nevertheless； it was awful。 When the low…
spirited gentleman with a wand said； 'Ladies and gentlemen'
（meaning particularly Olympia and me）； 'the lights are about to be
put out； but there is not the slightest cause for alarm；' it was
very alarming。 Then the planets and stars began。 Sometimes they
wouldn't come on； sometimes they wouldn't go off； sometimes they
had holes in them； and mostly they didn't seem to be good
likenesses。 All this time the gentleman with the wand was going on
in the dark （tapping away at the heavenly bodies between whiles；
like a wearisome woodpecker）； about a sphere revolving on its own
axis eight hundred and ninety…seven thousand millions of times … or
miles … in two hundred and sixty…three thousand five hundred and
twenty…four millions of something elses； until I thought if this
was a birthday it were better never to have been born。 Olympia；
also； became much depressed； and we both slumbered and woke cross；
and still the gentleman was going on in the dark … whether up in
the stars； or down on the stage； it would have been hard to make
out； if it had been worth trying … cyphering away about planes of
orbits； to such an infamous extent that Olympia； stung to madness；
actually kicked me。 A pretty birthday spectacle； when the lights
were turned up again； and all the schools in the town （including
the National； who had come in for nothing； and serve them right；
for they were always throwing stones） were discovered with
exhausted countenances； screwing their knuckles into their eyes； or
clutching their heads of hair。 A pretty birthday speech when Dr。
Sleek of the City…Free bobbed up his powdered head in the stage…
box； and said that before this assembly dispersed he really must
beg to express his entire approval of a lecture as improving； as
informing； as devoid of anything that could call a blush into the
cheek of youth； as any it had ever been his lot to hear delivered。
A pretty birthday altogether； when Astronomy couldn't leave poor
Small Olympia Squires and me alone； but must put an end to our
loves！ For； we never got over it； the threadbare Orrery outwore
our mutual tenderness； the man with the wand was too much for the
boy with the bow。
When shall I disconnect the combined smells of oranges； brown
paper； and straw； from those other birthdays at school； when the
coming hamper casts its shadow before； and when a week of social
harmony … shall I add of admiring and affectionate popularity … led
up to that Institution？ What noble sentiments were expressed to me
in the days before the hamper； what vows of friendship were sworn
to me； what exceedingly old knives were given me； what generous
avowals of having been in the wrong emanated from else obstinate
spirits once enrolled among my enemies！ The birthday of the potted
game and guava jelly； is still made special to me by the noble
conduct of Bully Globson。 Letters from home had mysteriously
inquired whether I should be much surprised and disappointed if
among the treasures in the coming hamper I discovered potted game；
and guava jelly from the Western Indies。 I had mentioned those
hints in confidence to a few friends； and had promised to give
away； as I now see reason to believe； a handsome covey of
partridges potted； and about a hundredweight of guava jelly。 It
was now that Globson； Bully no more； sought me out in the
playground。 He was a big fat boy； with a big fat head and a big
fat fist； and at the beginning of that Half had raised such a bump
on my forehead that I couldn't get my hat of state on； to go to
church。 He said that after an interval of cool reflection （four
months） he now felt this blow to have been an error of judgment；
and that he wished to apologise for the same。 Not only that； but
holding down his big head between his two big hands in order that I
might reach it conveniently； he requested me； as an act of justice
which would appease his awakened conscience； to raise a retributive
bump upon it； in the presence of witnesses。 This handsome proposal
I modestly declined； and he then embraced me； and we walked away
conversing。 We conversed respecting the West India Islands； and；
in the pursuit of knowledge he asked me with much interest whether
in the course of my reading I had met with any reliable description
of the mode of manufacturing guava jelly； or whether I had ever
happened to taste that conserve； which he had been given to
understand was of rare excellence。
Seventeen； eighteen； nineteen； twenty； and then with the waning
months came an ever augmenting sense of the dignity of twenty…one。
Heaven knows I had nothing to 'come into；' save the bare birthday；
and yet I esteemed it as a great possession。 I now and then paved
the way to my state of dignity； by beginning a proposition with the
casual words； 'say that a man of twenty…one；' or by the incidental
assumption of a fact that could not sanely be disputed； as； 'for
when a fellow comes to be a man of twenty…one。' I gave a party on
the occasion。 She was there。 It is unnecessary to name Her； more
particularly； She was older than I； and had pervaded every chink
and crevice of my mind for three or four years。 I had held volumes
of Imaginary Conversations with her mother on the subject of our
union； and I had written letters more in number than Horace
Walpole's； to that discreet woman； soliciting her daughter's hand
in marriage。 I had never had the remotest intention of sending any
of those letters； but to write them； and after a few days tear them
up； had been a sublime occupation。 Sometimes； I had begun
'Honoured Madam。 I think that a lady gifted with those powers of
observation which I know you to possess； and endowed with those
womanly sympathies with the young and ardent which it were more
than heresy to doubt； can scarcely have failed to discover that I
love your adorable daughter； deeply； devotedly。' In less buoyant
states of mind I had begun； 'Bear with me； Dear Madam； bear with a
daring wretch who is about to make a surprising confession to you；
wholly unanticipated by yourself； and which he beseeches you to
commit to the flames as soon as you have become aware to what a
towering height his mad ambition soars