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There is another class of birthdays at which I have so frequently
assisted； that I may assume such birthdays to be pretty well known
to the human race。 My friend Mayday's birthday is an example。 The
guests have no knowledge of one another except on that one day in
the year； and are annually terrified for a week by the prospect of
meeting one another again。 There is a fiction among us that we
have uncommon reasons for being particularly lively and spirited on
the occasion； whereas deep despondency is no phrase for the
expression of our feelings。 But the wonderful feature of the case
is； that we are in tacit accordance to avoid the subject … to keep
it as far off as possible； as long as possible … and to talk about
anything else； rather than the joyful event。 I may even go so far
as to assert that there is a dumb compact among us that we will
pretend that it is NOT Mayday's birthday。 A mysterious and gloomy
Being； who is said to have gone to school with Mayday； and who is
so lank and lean that he seriously impugns the Dietary of the
establishment at which they were jointly educated； always leads us；
as I may say； to the block； by laying his grisly hand on a decanter
and begging us to fill our glasses。 The devices and pretences that
I have seen put in practice to defer the fatal moment； and to
interpose between this man and his purpose； are innumerable。 I
have known desperate guests； when they saw the grisly hand
approaching the decanter； wildly to begin； without any antecedent
whatsoever； 'That reminds me … ' and to plunge into long stories。
When at last the hand and the decanter come together； a shudder； a
palpable perceptible shudder； goes round the table。 We receive the
reminder that it is Mayday's birthday； as if it were the
anniversary of some profound disgrace he had undergone； and we
sought to comfort him。 And when we have drunk Mayday's health； and
wished him many happy returns； we are seized for some moments with
a ghastly blitheness； an unnatural levity； as if we were in the
first flushed reaction of having undergone a surgical operation。
Birthdays of this species have a public as well as a private phase。
My 'boyhood's home；' Dullborough； presents a case in point。 An
Immortal Somebody was wanted in Dullborough； to dimple for a day
the stagnant face of the waters； he was rather wanted by
Dullborough generally； and much wanted by the principal hotel…
keeper。 The County history was looked up for a locally Immortal
Somebody； but the registered Dullborough worthies were all
Nobodies。 In this state of things； it is hardly necessary to
record that Dullborough did what every man does when he wants to
write a book or deliver a lecture； and is provided with all the
materials except a subject。 It fell back upon Shakespeare。
No sooner was it resolved to celebrate Shakespeare's birthday in
Dullborough； than the popularity of the immortal bard became
surprising。 You might have supposed the first edition of his works
to have been published last week； and enthusiastic Dullborough to
have got half through them。 （I doubt； by the way； whether it had
ever done half that； but that is a private opinion。） A young
gentleman with a sonnet； the retention of which for two years had
enfeebled his mind and undermined his knees； got the sonnet into
the Dullborough Warden； and gained flesh。 Portraits of Shakespeare
broke out in the bookshop windows； and our principal artist painted
a large original portrait in oils for the decoration of the dining…
room。 It was not in the least like any of the other Portraits； and
was exceedingly admired； the head being much swollen。 At the
Institution； the Debating Society discussed the new question； Was
there sufficient ground for supposing that the Immortal Shakespeare
ever stole deer？ This was indignantly decided by an overwhelming
majority in the negative； indeed； there was but one vote on the
Poaching side； and that was the vote of the orator who had
undertaken to advocate it； and who became quite an obnoxious
character … particularly to the Dullborough 'roughs；' who were
about as well informed on the matter as most other people。
Distinguished speakers were invited down； and very nearly came （but
not quite）。 Subscriptions were opened； and committees sat； and it
would have been far from a popular measure in the height of the
excitement； to have told Dullborough that it wasn't Stratford…upon…
Avon。 Yet； after all these preparations； when the great festivity
took place； and the portrait； elevated aloft； surveyed the company
as if it were in danger of springing a mine of intellect and
blowing itself up； it did undoubtedly happen； according to the
inscrutable mysteries of things； that nobody could be induced； not
to say to touch upon Shakespeare； but to come within a mile of him；
until the crack speaker of Dullborough rose to propose the immortal
memory。 Which he did with the perplexing and astonishing result
that before he had repeated the great name half…a…dozen times； or
had been upon his legs as many minutes； he was assailed with a
general shout of 'Question。'
CHAPTER XXI … THE SHORT…TIMERS
'Within so many yards of this Covent…garden lodging of mine； as
within so many yards of Westminster Abbey； Saint Paul's Cathedral；
the Houses of Parliament； the Prisons； the Courts of Justice； all
the Institutions that govern the land； I can find … MUST find；
whether I will or no … in the open streets； shameful instances of
neglect of children； intolerable toleration of the engenderment of
paupers； idlers； thieves； races of wretched and destructive
cripples both in body and mind； a misery to themselves； a misery to
the community； a disgrace to civilisation； and an outrage on
Christianity。 … I know it to be a fact as easy of demonstration as
any sum in any of the elementary rules of arithmetic； that if the
State would begin its work and duty at the beginning； and would
with the strong hand take those children out of the streets； while
they are yet children； and wisely train them； it would make them a
part of England's glory； not its shame … of England's strength； not
its weakness … would raise good soldiers and sailors； and good
citizens； and many great men； out of the seeds of its criminal
population。 Yet I go on bearing with the enormity as if it were
nothing； and I go on reading the Parliamentary Debates as if they
were something； and I concern myself far more about one railway…
bridge across a public thoroughfare； than about a dozen generations
of scrofula； ignorance； wickedness； prostitution； poverty； and
felony。 I can slip out at my door； in the small hours after any
midnight； and； in one circuit of the purlieus of Covent…garden
Market； can behold a state of infancy and youth； as vile as if a
Bourbon sat upon the English throne； a great police force looking
on with authority to do no more than worry and hunt the dreadful
vermin into corners； and there leave them。 Within the length of a
few streets I can find a workhouse； mismanaged with that dull
short…sighted obstinacy that its greatest opportunities as to the
children it receives are lost； and yet not a farthing saved to any
one。 But the wheel goes round； and round； and round； and because
it goes round … so I am told by the politest authorities … it goes
well。'
Thus I reflected； one day in the Whitsun week last past； as I
floated down the Thames among the bridges； looking … not
inappropriately … at the drags that were hanging up at certain
dirty stairs to hook the drowned out； and at the numerous
conveniences provided to facilitate their tumbling in。 My object
in that uncommercial journey called up another train of thought；
and it ran as follows：
'When I was at school； one of seventy boys； I wonder by what secret
understanding our attention began to wander when we had pored over
our books for some hours。 I wonder by what ingenuity we brought on
that confused state of mind when sense became nonsense； when
figures wouldn't work； when dead languages wouldn't construe； when
live languages wouldn't be spoken； when memory wouldn't come； when
dulness and vacancy wouldn't go。 I cannot remember that we ever
conspired to be sleepy after dinner； or that we ever particularly
wanted to be stupid； and to have flushed faces and hot beating
heads； or to find blank hopelessness and obscurity this afternoon
in what would become perfectly clear and bright in the freshness of
to…morrow morning。 We suffered for these things； and they made us
miserable enough。 Neither do I remember that we ever bound
ourselves by any secret oath or other solemn obligation； to find
the seats getting too hard to be sat upon after a certain time； or
to have intolerable twitches in our legs； rendering us aggressive
and malicious with those members； or to be troubled with a similar
uneasiness in our elbows； attended with fistic consequence