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Temeraire。 Says Bullfinch； then； to the youth in livery； with
boldness； 'Lavatory！'
When we arrived at the family vault with a skylight； which the
youth in livery presented as the institution sought； we had already
whisked off our cravats and coats； but finding ourselves in the
presence of an evil smell； and no linen but two crumpled towels
newly damp from the countenances of two somebody elses； we put on
our cravats and coats again； and fled unwashed to the coffee…room。
There the waiter who ought to wait upon us had set forth our knives
and forks and glasses； on the cloth whose dirty acquaintance we had
already had the pleasure of making； and which we were pleased to
recognise by the familiar expression of its stains。 And now there
occurred the truly surprising phenomenon； that the waiter who ought
not to wait upon us swooped down upon us； clutched our loaf of
bread； and vanished with the same。
Bullfinch； with distracted eyes； was following this unaccountable
figure 'out at the portal；' like the ghost in Hamlet； when the
waiter who ought to wait upon us jostled against it； carrying a
tureen。
'Waiter！' said a severe diner； lately finished； perusing his bill
fiercely through his eye…glass。
The waiter put down our tureen on a remote side…table； and went to
see what was amiss in this new direction。
'This is not right； you know； waiter。 Look here！ here's
yesterday's sherry； one and eightpence； and here we are again； two
shillings。 And what does sixpence mean？'
So far from knowing what sixpence meant； the waiter protested that
he didn't know what anything meant。 He wiped the perspiration from
his clammy brow； and said it was impossible to do it； … not
particularising what； … and the kitchen was so far off。
'Take the bill to the bar； and get it altered；' said Mr。
Indignation Cocker； so to call him。
The waiter took it； looked intensely at it； didn't seem to like the
idea of taking it to the bar； and submitted； as a new light upon
the case； that perhaps sixpence meant sixpence。
'I tell you again；' said Mr。 Indignation Cocker； 'here's
yesterday's sherry … can't you see it？ … one and eightpence； and
here we are again； two shillings。 What do you make of one and
eightpence and two shillings？'
Totally unable to make anything of one and eightpence and two
shillings； the waiter went out to try if anybody else could； merely
casting a helpless backward glance at Bullfinch； in acknowledgement
of his pathetic entreaties for our soup…tureen。 After a pause；
during which Mr。 Indignation Cocker read a newspaper and coughed
defiant coughs； Bullfinch arose to get the tureen； when the waiter
reappeared and brought it； … dropping Mr。 Indignation Cocker's
altered bill on Mr。 Indignation Cocker's table as he came along。
'It's quite impossible to do it； gentlemen；' murmured the waiter；
'and the kitchen is so far off。'
'Well； you don't keep the house； it's not your fault； we suppose。
Bring some sherry。'
'Waiter！' from Mr。 Indignation Cocker； with a new and burning sense
of injury upon him。
The waiter； arrested on his way to our sherry； stopped short； and
came back to see what was wrong now。
'Will you look here？ This is worse than before。 DO you
understand？ Here's yesterday's sherry； one and eightpence； and
here we are again two shillings。 And what the devil does ninepence
mean？'
This new portent utterly confounded the waiter。 He wrung his
napkin； and mutely appealed to the ceiling。
'Waiter； fetch that sherry；' says Bullfinch； in open wrath and
revolt。
'I want to know；' persisted Mr。 Indignation Cocker； 'the meaning of
ninepence。 I want to know the meaning of sherry one and eightpence
yesterday； and of here we are again two shillings。 Send somebody。'
The distracted waiter got out of the room on pretext of sending
somebody； and by that means got our wine。 But the instant he
appeared with our decanter； Mr。 Indignation Cocker descended on him
again。
'Waiter！'
'You will now have the goodness to attend to our dinner； waiter；'
said Bullfinch； sternly。
'I am very sorry； but it's quite impossible to do it； gentlemen；'
pleaded the waiter； 'and the kitchen … '
'Waiter！' said Mr。 Indignation Cocker。
' … Is；' resumed the waiter； 'so far off； that … '
'Waiter！' persisted Mr。 Indignation Cocker； 'send somebody。'
We were not without our fears that the waiter rushed out to hang
himself； and we were much relieved by his fetching somebody； … in
graceful； flowing skirts and with a waist； … who very soon settled
Mr。 Indignation Cocker's business。
'Oh！' said Mr。 Cocker； with his fire surprisingly quenched by this
apparition； 'I wished to ask about this bill of mine； because it
appears to me that there's a little mistake here。 Let me show you。
Here's yesterday's sherry one and eightpence； and here we are again
two shillings。 And how do you explain ninepence？'
However it was explained； in tones too soft to be overheard。 Mr。
Cocker was heard to say nothing more than 'Ah…h…h！ Indeed； thank
you！ Yes；' and shortly afterwards went out； a milder man。
The lonely traveller with the stomach…ache had all this time
suffered severely； drawing up a leg now and then； and sipping hot
brandy…and…water with grated ginger in it。 When we tasted our
（very） mock…turtle soup； and were instantly seized with symptoms of
some disorder simulating apoplexy； and occasioned by the surcharge
of nose and brain with lukewarm dish…water holding in solution sour
flour； poisonous condiments； and （say） seventy…five per cent。 of
miscellaneous kitchen stuff rolled into balls； we were inclined to
trace his disorder to that source。 On the other hand； there was a
silent anguish upon him too strongly resembling the results
established within ourselves by the sherry； to be discarded from
alarmed consideration。 Again； we observed him； with terror； to be
much overcome by our sole's being aired in a temporary retreat
close to him； while the waiter went out （as we conceived） to see
his friends。 And when the curry made its appearance he suddenly
retired in great disorder。
In fine； for the uneatable part of this little dinner （as
contradistinguished from the undrinkable） we paid only seven
shillings and sixpence each。 And Bullfinch and I agreed
unanimously； that no such ill…served； ill…appointed； ill…cooked；
nasty little dinner could be got for the money anywhere else under
the sun。 With that comfort to our backs； we turned them on the
dear old Temeraire； the charging Temeraire； and resolved （in the
Scotch dialect） to gang nae mair to the flabby Temeraire。
CHAPTER XXXIV … MR。 BARLOW
A great reader of good fiction at an unusually early age； it seems
to me as though I had been born under the superintendence of the
estimable but terrific gentleman whose name stands at the head of
my present reflections。 The instructive monomaniac； Mr。 Barlow；
will be remembered as the tutor of Master Harry Sandford and Master
Tommy Merton。 He knew everything； and didactically improved all
sorts of occasions； from the consumption of a plate of cherries to
the contemplation of a starlight night。 What youth came to without
Mr。 Barlow was displayed in the history of Sandford and Merton； by
the example of a certain awful Master Mash。 This young wretch wore
buckles and powder； conducted himself with insupportable levity at
the theatre； had no idea of facing a mad bull single…handed （in
which I think him less reprehensible； as remotely reflecting my own
character）； and was a frightful instance of the enervating effects
of luxury upon the human race。
Strange destiny on the part of Mr。 Barlow； to go down to posterity
as childhood's experience of a bore！ Immortal Mr。 Barlow； boring
his way through the verdant freshness of ages！
My personal indictment against Mr。 Barlow is one of many counts。 I
will proceed to set forth a few of the injuries he has done me。
In the first place； he never made or took a joke。 This
insensibility on Mr。 Barlow's part not only cast its own gloom over
my boyhood； but blighted even the sixpenny jest…books of the time；
for； groaning under a moral spell constraining me to refer all
things to Mr。 Barlow； I could not choose but ask myself in a
whisper when tickled by a printed jest； 'What would HE think of it？
What would HE see in it？' The point of the jest immediately became
a sting； and stung my conscience。 For my mind's eye saw him
stolid； frigid； perchance taking from its shelf some dreary Greek
book； and translating at full length what some dismal sage said
（and touched up afterwards； perhaps； for publication）； when he
banished some unlucky joker from Athens。
The incompatibility of Mr。 Barlow with all other portions of my
young life but himself； the adamantine inadaptability of the man to
my favourite fancies