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and vain and daring class； could not construct a tolerable sentence
in his native tongue or pen a fair letter。 This inspired
individual called me to order roundly； and knew in the freest and
easiest way where I was going to； and what would become of me if I
failed to fashion myself on his bright example； and was on terms of
blasphemous confidence with the Heavenly Host。 He was in the
secrets of my heart； and in the lowest soundings of my soul … he！ …
and could read the depths of my nature better than his A B C； and
could turn me inside out； like his own clammy glove。 But what is
far more extraordinary than this … for such dirty water as this
could alone be drawn from such a shallow and muddy source … I found
from the information of a beneficed clergyman； of whom I never
heard and whom I never saw； that I had not； as I rather supposed I
had； lived a life of some reading； contemplation； and inquiry； that
I had not studied； as I rather supposed I had； to inculcate some
Christian lessons in books； that I had never tried； as I rather
supposed I had； to turn a child or two tenderly towards the
knowledge and love of our Saviour； that I had never had； as I
rather supposed I had had； departed friends； or stood beside open
graves； but that I had lived a life of 'uninterrupted prosperity；'
and that I needed this 'check； overmuch；' and that the way to turn
it to account was to read these sermons and these poems； enclosed；
and written and issued by my correspondent！ I beg it may be
understood that I relate facts of my own uncommercial experience；
and no vain imaginings。 The documents in proof lie near my hand。
Another odd entry on the fly…leaf； of a more entertaining
character； was the wonderful persistency with which kind
sympathisers assumed that I had injuriously coupled with the so
suddenly relinquished pursuit； those personal habits of mine most
obviously incompatible with it； and most plainly impossible of
being maintained； along with it。 As； all that exercise； all that
cold bathing； all that wind and weather； all that uphill training …
all that everything else； say； which is usually carried about by
express trains in a portmanteau and hat…box； and partaken of under
a flaming row of gas…lights in the company of two thousand people。
This assuming of a whole case against all fact and likelihood；
struck me as particularly droll； and was an oddity of which I
certainly had had no adequate experience in life until I turned
that curious fly…leaf。
My old acquaintances the begging…letter writers came out on the
fly…leaf； very piously indeed。 They were glad； at such a serious
crisis； to afford me another opportunity of sending that Post…
office order。 I needn't make it a pound； as previously insisted
on； ten shillings might ease my mind。 And Heaven forbid that they
should refuse； at such an insignificant figure； to take a weight
off the memory of an erring fellow…creature！ One gentleman； of an
artistic turn （and copiously illustrating the books of the
Mendicity Society）； thought it might soothe my conscience； in the
tender respect of gifts misused； if I would immediately cash up in
aid of his lowly talent for original design … as a specimen of
which he enclosed me a work of art which I recognized as a tracing
from a woodcut originally published in the late Mrs。 Trollope's
book on America； forty or fifty years ago。 The number of people
who were prepared to live long years after me； untiring benefactors
to their species； for fifty pounds apiece down； was astonishing。
Also； of those who wanted bank…notes for stiff penitential amounts；
to give away：… not to keep； on any account。
Divers wonderful medicines and machines insinuated recommendations
of themselves into the fly…leaf that was to have been so blank。 It
was specially observable that every prescriber； whether in a moral
or physical direction； knew me thoroughly … knew me from head to
heel； in and out； through and through； upside down。 I was a glass
piece of general property； and everybody was on the most
surprisingly intimate terms with me。 A few public institutions had
complimentary perceptions of corners in my mind； of which； after
considerable self…examination； I have not discovered any
indication。 Neat little printed forms were addressed to those
corners； beginning with the words： 'I give and bequeath。'
Will it seem exaggerative to state my belief that the most honest；
the most modest； and the least vain…glorious of all the records
upon this strange fly…leaf； was a letter from the self…deceived
discoverer of the recondite secret 'how to live four or five
hundred years'？ Doubtless it will seem so； yet the statement is
not exaggerative by any means； but is made in my serious and
sincere conviction。 With this； and with a laugh at the rest that
shall not be cynical； I turn the Fly…leaf； and go on again。
CHAPTER XXXVII … A PLEA FOR TOTAL ABSTINENCE
One day this last Whitsuntide； at precisely eleven o'clock in the
forenoon； there suddenly rode into the field of view commanded by
the windows of my lodging an equestrian phenomenon。 It was a
fellow…creature on horseback； dressed in the absurdest manner。 The
fellow…creature wore high boots； some other （and much larger）
fellow…creature's breeches； of a slack…baked doughy colour and a
baggy form； a blue shirt； whereof the skirt； or tail； was puffily
tucked into the waist…band of the said breeches； no coat； a red
shoulder…belt； and a demi…semi…military scarlet hat； with a
feathered ornament in front； which； to the uninstructed human
vision； had the appearance of a moulting shuttlecock。 I laid down
the newspaper with which I had been occupied； and surveyed the
fellow…man in question with astonishment。 Whether he had been
sitting to any painter as a frontispiece for a new edition of
'Sartor Resartus；' whether 'the husk or shell of him；' as the
esteemed Herr Teufelsdroch might put it； were founded on a jockey；
on a circus； on General Garibaldi； on cheap porcelain； on a toy
shop； on Guy Fawkes； on waxwork； on gold…digging； on Bedlam； or on
all； … were doubts that greatly exercised my mind。 Meanwhile； my
fellow…man stumbled and slided； excessively against his will； on
the slippery stones of my Covent…garden street； and elicited
shrieks from several sympathetic females； by convulsively
restraining himself from pitching over his horse's head。 In the
very crisis of these evolutions； and indeed at the trying moment
when his charger's tail was in a tobacconist's shop； and his head
anywhere about town； this cavalier was joined by two similar
portents； who； likewise stumbling and sliding； caused him to
stumble and slide the more distressingly。 At length this Gilpinian
triumvirate effected a halt； and； looking northward； waved their
three right hands as commanding unseen troops； to 'Up； guards！ and
at 'em。' Hereupon a brazen band burst forth； which caused them to
be instantly bolted with to some remote spot of earth in the
direction of the Surrey Hills。
Judging from these appearances that a procession was under way； I
threw up my window； and； craning out； had the satisfaction of
beholding it advancing along the streets。 It was a Teetotal
procession； as I learnt from its banners； and was long enough to
consume twenty minutes in passing。 There were a great number of
children in it； some of them so very young in their mothers' arms
as to be in the act of practically exemplifying their abstinence
from fermented liquors； and attachment to an unintoxicating drink；
while the procession defiled。 The display was； on the whole；
pleasant to see； as any good…humoured holiday assemblage of clean；
cheerful； and well…conducted people should be。 It was bright with
ribbons； tinsel； and shoulder…belts； and abounded in flowers； as if
those latter trophies had come up in profusion under much watering。
The day being breezy； the insubordination of the large banners was
very reprehensible。 Each of these being borne aloft on two poles
and stayed with some half…dozen lines； was carried； as polite books
in the last century used to be written； by 'various hands；' and the
anxiety expressed in the upturned faces of those officers； …
something between the anxiety attendant on the balancing art； and
that inseparable from the pastime of kite…flying； with a touch of
the angler's quality in landing his scaly prey； … much impressed
me。 Suddenly； too； a banner would shiver in the wind； and go about
in the most inconvenient manner。 This always happened oftenest
with such gorgeous standards as those representing a gentleman in
black； corpulent with tea and water； in the laudable act of
summarily reforming a family； feeble and pinched with beer。 The
gentleman in black distended by wind would then conduct himself
with the most unbecoming levity； while the beery family； growing
beerier； would frantically try to tear themselves awa