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a personal record-第10章

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snow…laden woods; when; in a sheltering hollow; a fire had been



lit by the party; the condition of the quarry was discovered to



be distinctly unsatisfactory。  It was not thinon the contrary;



it seemed unhealthily obese; its skin showed bare patches of an



unpleasant character。  However; they had not killed that dog for



the sake of the pelt。 He was large。 。 。 。  He was eaten。 。 。 。



The rest is silence。 。 。 。







A silence in which a small boy shudders and says firmly:







〃I could not have eaten that dog。〃







And his grandmother remarks with a smile:







〃Perhaps you don't know what it is to be hungry。〃







I have learned something of it since。  Not that I have been



reduced to eat dog。  I have fed on the emblematical animal;



which; in the language of the volatile Gauls; is called la vache



enragee; I have lived on ancient salt junk; I know the taste of



shark; of trepang; of snake; of nondescript dishes containing



things without a namebut of the Lithuanian village dognever! 



I wish it to be distinctly understood that it is not I; but my



granduncle Nicholas; of the Polish landed gentry; Chevalier de la



Legion d'Honneur; etc。; who in his young days; had eaten the



Lithuanian dog。







I wish he had not。  The childish horror of the deed clings



absurdly to the grizzled man。  I am perfectly helpless against



it。  Still; if he really had to; let us charitably remember that



he had eaten him on active service; while bearing up bravely



against the greatest military disaster of modern history; and; in



a manner; for the sake of his country。  He had eaten him to



appease his hunger; no doubt; but also for the sake of an



unappeasable and patriotic desire; in the glow of a great faith



that lives still; and in the pursuit of a great illusion kindled



like a false beacon by a great man to lead astray the effort of a



brave nation。







Pro patria!







Looked at in that light; it appears a sweet and decorous meal。







And looked at in the same light; my own diet of la vache enragee



appears a fatuous and extravagant form of self…indulgence; for



why should I; the son of a land which such men as these have



turned up with their plowshares and bedewed with their blood;



undertake the pursuit of fantastic meals of salt junk and



hardtack upon the wide seas?  On the kindest view it seems an



unanswerable question。  Alas!  I have the conviction that there



are men of unstained rectitude who are ready to murmur scornfully



the word desertion。  Thus the taste of innocent adventure may be



made bitter to the palate。  The part of the inexplicable should



be al lowed for in appraising the conduct of men in a world where



no explanation is final。  No charge of faithlessness ought to be



lightly uttered。  The appearances of this perishable life are



deceptive; like everything that falls under the judgment of our



imperfect senses。  The inner voice may remain true enough in its



secret counsel。  The fidelity to a special tradition may last



through the events of an unrelated existence; following



faithfully; too; the traced way of an inexplicable impulse。







It would take too long to explain the intimate alliance of



contradictions in human nature which makes love itself wear at



times the desperate shape of betrayal。  And perhaps there is no



possible explanation。  Indulgenceas somebody saidis the most



intelligent of all the virtues。  I venture to think that it is



one of the least common; if not the most uncommon of all。  I



would not imply by this that men are foolishor even most men。 



Far from it。  The barber and the priest; backed by the whole



opinion of the village; condemned justly the conduct of the



ingenious hidalgo; who; sallying forth from his native place;



broke the head of the muleteer; put to death a flock of



inoffensive sheep; and went through very doleful experiences in a



certain stable。  God forbid that an unworthy churl should escape



merited censure by hanging on to the stirrup…leather of the



sublime caballero。  His was a very noble; a very unselfish



fantasy; fit for nothing except to raise the envy of baser



mortals。  But there is more than one aspect to the charm of that



exalted and dangerous figure。  He; too; had his frailties。  After



reading so many romances he desired naively to escape with his



very body from the intolerable reality of things。  He wished to



meet; eye to eye; the valorous giant Brandabarbaran; Lord of



Arabia; whose armour is made of the skin of a dragon; and whose



shield; strapped to his arm; is the gate of a fortified city。 



Oh; amiable and natural weakness!  Oh; blessed simplicity of a



gentle heart without guile!  Who would not succumb to such a



consoling temptation?  Nevertheless; it was a form of



self…indulgence; and the ingenious hidalgo of La Mancha was not a



good citizen。  The priest and the barber were not unreasonable in



their strictures。  Without going so far as the old King



Louis…Philippe; who used to say in his exile; 〃The people are



never in fault〃one may admit that there must be some



righteousness in the assent of a whole village。  Mad!  Mad!  He



who kept in pious meditation the ritual vigil…of…arms by the well



of an inn and knelt reverently to be knighted at daybreak by the



fat; sly rogue of a landlord has come very near perfection。  He



rides forth; his head encircled by a halothe patron saint of



all lives spoiled or saved by the irresistible grace of



imagination。  But he was not a good citizen。







Perhaps that and nothing else was meant by the well…remembered



exclamation of my tutor。







It was in the jolly year 1873; the very last year in which I have



had a jolly holiday。  There have been idle years afterward; jolly



enough in a way and not altogether without their lesson; but this



year of which I speak was the year of my last school…boy holiday。



There are other reasons why I should remember that year; but they



are too long to state formally in this place。  Moreover; they



have nothing to do with that holiday。  What has to do with the



holiday is that before the day on which the remark was made we



had seen Vienna; the Upper Danube; Munich; the Falls of the



Rhine; the Lake of Constance;in fact; it was a memorable



holiday of travel。  Of late we had been tramping slowly up the



Valley of the Reuss。  It was a delightful time。  It was much more



like a stroll than a tramp。  Landing from a Lake of Lucerne



steamer in Fluelen; we found ourselves at the end of the second



day; with the dusk overtaking our leisurely footsteps; a little



way beyond Hospenthal。  This is not the day on which the remark



was made: in the shadows of the deep valley and with the



habitations of men left some way behind; our thoughts ran not



upon the ethics of conduct; but upon the simpler human problem of



shelter and food。  There did not seem anything of the kind in



sight; and we were thinking of turning back when suddenly; at a



bend of the road; we came upon a building; ghostly in the



twilight。







At that time the work on the St。 Gothard Tunnel was going on; and



that magnificent enterprise of burrowing was directly responsible



for the unexpected building; standing all alone upon the very



roots of the mountains。  It was long; though not big at all; it



was low; it was built of boards; without ornamentation; in



barrack…hut style; with the white window…frames quite flush with



the yellow face of its plain front。  And yet it was a hotel; it



had even a name; which I have forgotten。  But there was no gold



laced doorkeeper at its humble door。  A plain but vigorous



servant…girl answered our inquiries; then a man and woman who



owned the place appeared。  It was clear that no travellers were



expected; or perhaps even desired; in this strange hostelry;



which in its severe style resembled the house which sur mounts



the unseaworthy…looking hulls of the toy Noah's Arks; the



universal possession of European childhood。  However; its roof



was not hinged and it was not full to the brim of slab…sided and



painted animals of wood。  Even the live tourist animal was



nowhere in evidence。  We had something to eat in a long; narrow



room at one end of a long; narrow table; which; to my tired



perception and to my sleepy eyes; seemed as if it would tilt up



like a see saw plank; since there was no one at the other end to



balance it against our two dusty and travel…stained figures。 



Then we hastened up stairs to bed in
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