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a personal record-第24章

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treasure and loveall that had come down crashing about my ears。







I felt I could never pick up the piecesand in that very moment



I was saying; 〃Won't you sit down?〃







The sea is strong medicine。  Behold what the quarter…deck



training even in a merchant ship will do!  This episode should



give you a new view of the English and Scots seamen (a



much…caricatured folk) who had the last say in the formation of



my character。  One is nothing if not modest; but in this disaster



I think I have done some honour to their simple teaching。  〃Won't



you sit down?〃  Very fair; very fair; indeed。  She sat down。 Her



amused glance strayed all over the room。







There were pages of MS。 on the table and under the table; a batch



of typed copy on a chair; single leaves had fluttered away into



distant corners; there were there living pages; pages scored and



wounded; dead pages that would be burned at the end of the



daythe litter of a cruel battle…field; of a long; long; and



desperate fray。  Long!  I suppose I went to bed sometimes; and



got up the same number of times。  Yes; I suppose I slept; and ate



the food put before me; and talked connectedly to my household on



suitable occasions。  But I had never been aware of the even flow



of daily life; made easy and noiseless for me by a silent;



watchful; tireless affection。  Indeed; it seemed to me that I had



been sitting at that table surrounded by the litter of a



desperate fray for days and nights on end。  It seemed so; because



of the intense weariness of which that interruption had made me



awarethe awful disenchantment of a mind realizing suddenly the



futility of an enormous task; joined to a bodily fatigue such as



no ordinary amount of fairly heavy physical labour could ever



account for。  I have carried bags of wheat on my back; bent



almost double under a ship's deck…beams; from six in the morning



till six in the evening (with an hour and a half off for meals);



so I ought to know。







And I love letters。  I am jealous of their honour and concerned



for the dignity and comeliness of their service。  I was; most



likely; the only writer that neat lady had ever caught in the



exercise of his craft; and it distressed me not to be able to



remember when it was that I dressed myself last; and how。  No



doubt that would be all right in essentials。  The fortune of the



house included a pair of gray…blue watchful eyes that would see



to that。  But I felt; somehow; as grimy as a Costaguana lepero



after a day's fighting in the streets; rumpled all over and



dishevelled down to my very heels。  And I am afraid I blinked



stupidly。  All this was bad for the honour of letters and the



dignity of their service。  Seen indistinctly through the dust of



my collapsed universe; the good lady glanced about the room with



a slightly amused serenity。  And she was smiling。  What on earth



was she smiling at?  She remarked casually:







〃I am afraid I interrupted you。〃







〃Not at all。〃







She accepted the denial in perfect good faith。  And it was



strictly true。  Interruptedindeed!  She had robbed me of at



least twenty lives; each infinitely more poignant and real than



her own; because informed with passion; possessed of convictions;



involved in great affairs created out of my own substance for an



anxiously meditated end。







She remained silent for a while; then said; with a last glance



all round at the litter of the fray:







〃And you sit like this here writing youryour 。 。 。〃







〃Iwhat?  Oh; yes!  I sit here all day。〃







〃It must be perfectly delightful。〃







I suppose that; being no longer very young; I might have been on



the verge of having a stroke; but she had left her dog in the



porch; and my boy's dog; patrolling the field in front; had



espied him from afar。  He came on straight and swift like a



cannon…ball; and the noise of the fight; which burst suddenly



upon our ears; was more than enough to scare away a fit of



apoplexy。  We went out hastily and separated the gallant animals。



Afterward I told the lady where she would find my wifejust



round the corner; under the trees。  She nodded and went off with



her dog; leaving me appalled before the death and devastation she



had lightly madeand with the awfully instructive sound of the



word 〃delightful〃 lingering in my ears。







Nevertheless; later on; I duly escorted her to the field gate。  I



wanted to be civil; of course (what are twenty lives in a mere



novel that one should be rude to a lady on their account?); but



mainly; to adopt the good; sound Ollendorffian style; because I



did not want the dog of the general's daughter to fight again



(encore) with the faithful dog of my infant son (mon petit



garcon)。Was I afraid that the dog of the general's daughter



would be able to overcome (vaincre) the dog of my child?No; I



was not afraid。 。 。 。 But away with the Ollendorff method。  How



ever appropriate and seemingly unavoidable when I touch upon



anything appertaining to the lady; it is most unsuitable to the



origin; character; and history of the dog; for the dog was the



gift to the child from a man for whom words had anything but an



Ollendorffian value; a man almost childlike in the impulsive



movements of his untutored genius; the most single…minded of



verbal impressionists; using his great gifts of straight feeling



and right expression with a fine sincerity and a strong if;



perhaps; not fully conscious conviction。  His art did not obtain;



I fear; all the credit its unsophisticated inspiration deserved。 



I am alluding to the late Stephen Crane; the author of 〃The Red



Badge of Courage;〃 a work of imagination which found its short



moment of celebrity in the last decade of the departed century。 



Other books followed。  Not many。  He had not the time。  It was an



individual and complete talent which obtained but a grudging;



somewhat supercilious recognition from the world at large。  For



himself one hesitates to regret his early death。  Like one of the



men in his 〃Open Boat;〃 one felt that he was of those whom fate



seldom allows to make a safe landing after much toil and



bitterness at the oar。  I confess to an abiding affection for



that energetic; slight; fragile; intensely living and transient



figure。  He liked me; even before we met; on the strength of a



page or two of my writing; and after we had met I am glad to



think he liked me still。  He used to point out to me with great



earnestness; and even with some severity; that 〃a boy OUGHT to



have a dog。〃  I suspect that he was shocked at my neglect of



parental duties。







Ultimately it was he who provided the dog。  Shortly afterward;



one day; after playing with the child on the rug for an hour or



so with the most intense absorption; he raised his head and



declared firmly; 〃I shall teach your boy to ride。〃  That was not



to be。  He was not given the time。







But here is the dogan old dog now。  Broad and low on his bandy



paws; with a black head on a white body and a ridiculous black



spot at the other end of him; he provokes; when he walks abroad;



smiles not altogether unkind。  Grotesque and engaging in the



whole of his appearance; his usual attitudes are meek; but his



temperament discloses itself unexpectedly pugnacious in the



presence of his kind。  As he lies in the firelight; his head well



up; and a fixed; far away gaze directed at the shadows of the



room; he achieves a striking nobility of pose in the calm



consciousness of an unstained life。  He has brought up one baby;



and now; after seeing his first charge off to school; he is



bringing up another with the same conscientious devotion; but



with a more deliberate gravity of manner; the sign of greater



wisdom and riper experience; but also of rheumatism; I fear。 



From the morning bath to the evening ceremonies of the cot; you



attend the little two…legged creature of your adoption; being



yourself treated in the exercise of your duties with every



possible regard; with infinite consideration; by every person in



the houseeven as I myself am treated; only you deserve it more。







The general's daughter would tell you that it must be 〃perfectly



delightful。〃







Aha! old dog。  She never heard you yelp with acute pain (it's



that poor left ear) the while; with incredible self…command; you



preserve a rigid immobility for fear of overturning the little



two…legged creature。  She has never seen your resigned smile
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