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time was ripe； I crept to the room next the nursery； glanced through the
window； and saw the dim outline of the coachman in the yard below；
standing at present…arms and waiting for a chance。 Then I hopped into
the nursery and fired； and in the same instant the coachman fired at the
red flash of my gun。 Both of us were successful； I crippled a nurse； and
he shot off all my back hair。 We turned up the gas； and telephoned for a
surgeon。 There was not a sign of a burglar； and no window had been
raised。 One glass was absent； but that was where the coachman's charge
had come through。 Here was a fine mysterya burglar alarm 'going off'
at midnight of its own accord； and not a burglar in the neighborhood！
〃The expert answered the usual call； and explained that it was a 'False
alarm。' Said it was easily fixed。 So he overhauled the nursery window；
charged a remunerative figure for it； and departed。
〃What we suffered from false alarms for the next three years no
stylographic pen can describe。 During the next three months I always
flew with my gun to the room indicated； and the coachman always sallied
forth with his battery to support me。 But there was never anything to
shoot atwindows all tight and secure。 We always sent down for the
expert next day； and he fixed those particular windows so they would keep
quiet a week or so； and always remembered to send us a bill about like
this：
Wire 。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。2。15
Nipple。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。 。75
Two hours' labor 。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。 1。50
Wax。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。 。47
Tape。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。 。34
Screws。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。 。15
Recharging battery 。。。。。。。。。。。。。。 。98
Three hours' labor 。。。。。。。。。。。。。。 2。25
String。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。 。02
Lard 。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。 。66
Pond's Extract 。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。 1。25
Springs at 50。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。 2。00
Railroad fares。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。 7。25
〃At length a perfectly natural thing came aboutafter we had answered
three or four hundred false alarmsto wit； we stopped answering them。
Yes； I simply rose up calmly； when slammed across the house by the alarm；
calmly inspected the annunciator； took note of the room indicated； and
then calmly disconnected that room from the alarm； and went back to bed
as if nothing had happened。 Moreover； I left that room off permanently；
and did not send for the expert。 Well； it goes without saying that in
the course of time all the rooms were taken off； and the entire machine
was out of service。
〃It was at this unprotected time that the heaviest calamity of all
happened。 The burglars walked in one night and carried off the burglar
alarm！ yes； sir； every hide and hair of it： ripped it out； tooth and
nail； springs； bells； gongs； battery； and all； they took a hundred and
fifty miles of copper wire； they just cleaned her out； bag and baggage；
and never left us a vestige of her to swear atswear by； I mean。
〃We had a time of it to get her back； but we accomplished it finally； for
money。 The alarm firm said that what we needed now was to have her put
in rightwith their new patent springs in the windows to make false
alarms impossible； and their new patent clock attached to take off and
put on the alarm morning and night without human assistance。 That seemed
a good scheme。 They promised to have the whole thing finished in ten
days。 They began work； and we left for the summer。 They worked a couple
of days； then they left for the summer。 After which the burglars moved
in； and began their summer vacation。 When we returned in the fall； the
house was as empty as a beer closet in premises where painters have been
at work。 We refurnished； and then sent down to hurry up the expert。 He
came up and finished the job； and said： 'Now this clock is set to put on
the alarm every night at 10； and take it off every morning at 5：45。 All
you've got to do is to wind her up every week； and then leave her alone
she will take care of the alarm herself。'
〃After that we had a most tranquil season during three months。 The bill
was prodigious； of course； and I had said I would not pay it until the
new machinery had proved itself to be flawless。 The time stipulated was
three months。 So I paid the bill； and the very next day the alarm went
to buzzing like ten thousand bee swarms at ten o'clock in the morning。
I turned the hands around twelve hours； according to instructions； and
this took off the alarm； but there was another hitch at night； and I had
to set her ahead twelve hours once more to get her to put the alarm on
again。 That sort of nonsense went on a week or two； then the expert came
up and put in a new clock。 He came up every three months during the next
three years； and put in a new clock。 But it was always a failure。 His
clocks all had the same perverse defect： they would put the alarm on in
the daytime； and they would not put it on at night； and if you forced it
on yourself； they would take it off again the minute your back was
turned。
〃Now there is the history of that burglar alarmeverything just as it
happened； nothing extenuated； and naught set down in malice。 Yes； sir；
and when I had slept nine years with burglars； and maintained an
expensive burglar alarm the whole time； for their protection； not mine；
and at my sole costfor not a d…d cent could I ever get THEM to
contributeI just said to Mrs。 McWilliams that I had had enough of that
kind of pie； so with her full consent I took the whole thing out and
traded it off for a dog； and shot the dog。 I don't know what you think
about it； Mr。 Twain； but I think those things are made solely in the
interest of the burglars。 Yes； sir； a burglar alarm combines in its
person all that is objectionable about a fire； a riot； and a harem； and
at the same time had none of the compensating advantages； of one sort or
another； that customarily belong with that combination。 Good…by： I get
off here。〃
End