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the conflict； that it had been resolutely agreed on all sides not to
make a test of his competence any further。
Thereupon a band of very sumptuously arrayed nymphs drew near with
offerings of liquid fat and a variety of crimson fruit； which it is
customary to grind together on the platterunapproachable in the
result； certainly； yet incredibly elusive to the unwary in the manner
of bruising； and practically ineradicable upon the more delicate
shades of silk garment。 In such a situation the one who is now
relating the various incidents of the day may be imagined by a
broad…minded and affectionate sire： partaking of this native fruit and
oil； and from time to time expressing his insatiable anguish that he
continually fails to become more proficient in controlling the oblique
movements of the viands； while the less successful crickets are
constrained to persevere in the combat； and the ever…present note of
evasive purport is raised by a voice from behind a screen exclaiming；
〃Out afore？ That he may have been； but do ee think we was a…going to
give he out afore？ No； maaster； us doant a…have a circus every day
hereabouts。〃
Thus may this imagination of competitive locusts be set forth to the
end。 If a fuller proof of what an unostentatious self…effacement
hesitates to enlarge upon were required； it might be found in the
barbarian printed leaf； for the next day this person saw a public
record of the strife； in which his own name was followed by a
numerical emblem signifying that he had not stumbled or proved
incompetent in any one particular。 Sir Philip； I beheld with pained
surprise； had obtusely suffered himself to be caught out in the
committal of fifty…nine set offences。
With a not unnatural anticipation that； as a result of this
painstaking description； this person will find two well…equipped camps
of contending locusts in Yuen…ping on his return。
KONG HO。
LETTER XII
Concerning the obvious misunderstanding which has entwined
itself about a revered parent's faculties of passionless
discrimination。 The all…water disportment and the two； of
different sexes； who after regarding me conflictingly from the
beginning； ended in a like but inverted manner。
VENERATED SIRE；Your gem…adorned letter containing a thousand
burnished words of profuse reproach has entered my diminished soul in
the form of an equal number of rusty barbs。 Can it be that the
incapable person whom； as you truly say； you sent； 〃to observe the
philosophical subtleties of the barbarians； to study their dynastical
records and to associate liberally with the venerable and dignified；〃
has； in your own unapproachable felicity of ceremonial expression；
〃according to a discreet whisper from many sources； chiefly affected
the society of tea…house maidens； the immature of both sexes； doubtful
characters of all classes； and criminals awaiting trial； has evinced
an unswerving affinity towards light amusement and entertainments of a
no…class kind； and in place of a wise aloofness； befitting a wearer of
the third Gold Button and the Horn Belt…clasp； in situations of
critical perplexity； seems by his own ingenuous showing to have
maintained an unparalleled aptitude for behaving either with the
crystalline simplicity of a Kan…su earth…tiller； or the misplaced
buffoonery of a seventh…grade body…writher taking the least
significant part in an ill…equipped Swatow one…cash Hall of Varied
Melodies。〃 Assuredly； if your striking and well…chosen metaphors were
not more unbalanced than the ungainly attitude of a one…legged
hunchback crossing a raging torrent by means of a slippery plank on a
stormy night； they would cause the very acutest bitterness to the
throat of a dutiful and always high…stepping son。 There is an apt
saying； however； 〃A quarrel between two soldiers in the market…place
becomes a rebellion in the outskirts；〃 and when this person remembers
that many thousand li of mixed elements flow between him and his
usually correct and dispassionate sire； he is impelled to take a mild
and tolerant attitude towards the momentary injustice brought about by
the weakness of approaching old age； the vile…intentioned mendacity of
outcasts envious of the House of Kong； and； perchance； the irritation
brought on by a too lavish indulgence in your favourite dish of stewed
mouse。
Having thus re…established himself in the clear…sighted affection of
an ever mild and perfect father； and cleansed the ground of all
possible misunderstandings in the future； this person will concede the
fact that； not to stand beneath the faintest shadow of an implied
blemish in your sympathetic eyes； he had no sooner understood the
attitude in which he had been presented than he at once plunged into
the virtuous society of a band of the sombre and benevolent。
These； so far as his intelligence enables him to grasp the position；
may be reasonably accepted as the barbarian equivalent of those very
high…minded persons who in our land devote their whole lives secretly
to killing others whom they consider the chief deities do not really
approve of； for although they are not permitted here； either by
written law or by accepted custom； to perform these meritorious
actions； they are so intimately initiated into the minds and councils
of the Upper Ones that they are able to pronounce very severe
judgments of torturea much heavier penalty than merely being
assassinatedupon all who remain outside their league。 As some of the
most objurgatory of these alliances do not number more than a score of
persons； it is inevitable that the ultimate condition of the whole
barbarian people must be hazardous in the extreme。
Having associated myself with this class sufficiently to escape their
vindictive pronouncements； and freely professed an unswerving
adherence to their rites； I next sought out the priests of other
altars； intending by a seemly avowal to each in turn to safeguard my
future existence effectually。 This I soon discovered to be beyond the
capacity of an ordinary lifetime； for whereas we； with four hundred
million subjects find three religions to be sufficient to meet every
emergency； these irresolute island children； although numbering us
only as one to ten； vacillate among three hundred； and even amid this
profusion it is asserted that most of the barbarians are unable to
find any temple exactly conforming to their requirements； and after
writing to the paper to announce the fact； abandon the search in
despair。
It was while I was becoming proficient in the inner subtleties of one
of these ordersthey who drink water on all occasions and wear a
badgethat a maiden of some authority among them besought my aid for
the purpose of amusing a band which she was desirous of propitiating
into the adoption of this badge。 It is possible that in the immature
confidence of former letters this person may already have alluded to
certain maidens with words of courteous esteem； but it is now
necessary to admit finally that in the presence of this same Helena
they would all appear as an uninviting growth of stunted and deformed
poppies surrounding a luxuriant chrysanthemum。 At the presumptuous
thought of describing her illimitable excellences my fingers become
claw…like in their confessed inadequacy to hold a sufficiently upright
brush； yet without undue confidence it may be set down that her hands
resembled the two wings of a mandarin drake in their symmetrical and
changing motion； her hair as light and radiant…pointed as the
translucent incense cloud floating before the golden Buddha of
Shan…Si； thin white satin stretched tightly upon polished agate only
faintly comparable to her jade cheeks； while her eyes were more
unfathomable than the crystal waters of the Keng…kiang； and within
their depths her pure and magnanimous thoughts could be dimly seen to
glide like the gold and silver carp beneath the sacred river。
When this insurpassable being approached me with the flattering
petition already alluded to； my gratified emotions clashed together
uncontrollably with the internal feeling of many volcanoes in
movement； and my organs of expression became so entangled at the
condescension of her melodious voice being directly addressed to one
so degraded； that for several minutes I was incapable of further
acquiescence than that conveyed