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well： not that I am superior to the rest； but I was made for him； and he
for me； and I can no more repent the hours； days； years of happiness we
have spent together； and which neither could have had without the other；
than I can the privilege of having been his nurse in sickness； and his
comfort in affliction。
'Will this do； children？ … or shall I say we are all very sorry for what
has happened during the last thirty years； and my daughters wish they had
never been born； but since they have had that misfortune； they will be
thankful for any trifle their grandpapa will be kind enough to bestow？'
Of course； we both applauded our mother's resolution； Mary cleared
away the breakfast things； I brought the desk； the letter was quickly
written and despatched； and； from that day； we heard no more of our
grandfather； till we saw his death announced in the newspaper a
considerable time after … all his worldly possessions； of course； being left
to our wealthy unknown cousins。
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CHAPTER XX … THE
FAREWELL
A HOUSE in A…； the fashionable watering…place； was hired for our
seminary； and a promise of two or three pupils was obtained to commence
with。 I returned to Horton Lodge about the middle of July； leaving my
mother to conclude the bargain for the house； to obtain more pupils； to sell
off the furniture of our old abode； and to fit out the new one。
We often pity the poor； because they have no leisure to mourn their
departed relatives； and necessity obliges them to labour through their
severest afflictions： but is not active employment the best remedy for
overwhelming sorrow … the surest antidote for despair？ It may be a rough
comforter： it may seem hard to be harassed with the cares of life when
we have no relish for its enjoyments； to be goaded to labour when the
heart is ready to break； and the vexed spirit implores for rest only to weep
in silence： but is not labour better than the rest we covet？ and are not
those petty； tormenting cares less hurtful than a continual brooding over
the great affliction that oppresses us？ Besides； we cannot have cares； and
anxieties； and toil； without hope … if it be but the hope of fulfilling our
joyless task； accomplishing some needful project； or escaping some
further annoyance。 At any rate； I was glad my mother had so much
employment for every faculty of her action…loving frame。 Our kind
neighbours lamented that she； once so exalted in wealth and station；
should be reduced to such extremity in her time of sorrow； but I am
persuaded that she would have suffered thrice as much had she been left in
affluence； with liberty to remain in that house； the scene of her early
happiness and late affliction； and no stern necessity to prevent her from
incessantly brooding over and lamenting her bereavement。
I will not dilate upon the feelings with which I left the old house； the
well…known garden； the little village church … then doubly dear to me；
because my father； who； for thirty years； had taught and prayed within its
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walls； lay slumbering now beneath its flags … and the old bare hills；
delightful in their very desolation； with the narrow vales between； smiling
in green wood and sparkling water … the house where I was born； the scene
of all my early associations； the place where throughout life my earthly
affections had been centred； … and left them to return no more！ True； I was
going back to Horton Lodge； where； amid many evils； one source of
pleasure yet remained： but it was pleasure mingled with excessive pain；
and my stay； alas！ was limited to six weeks。 And even of that precious
time； day after day slipped by and I did not see him： except at church； I
never saw him for a fortnight after my return。 It seemed a long time to
me： and； as I was often out with my rambling pupil； of course hopes
would keep rising； and disappointments would ensue； and then； I would
say to my own heart； 'Here is a convincing proof … if you would but have
the sense to see it； or the candour to acknowledge it … that he does not care
for you。 If he only thought HALF as much about you as you do about
him； he would have contrived to meet you many times ere this： you must
know that； by consulting your own feelings。 Therefore； have done with
this nonsense： you have no ground for hope： dismiss； at once； these
hurtful thoughts and foolish wishes from your mind； and turn to your own
duty； and the dull blank life that lies before you。 You might have known
such happiness was not for you。'
But I saw him at last。 He came suddenly upon me as I was crossing a
field in returning from a visit to Nancy Brown； which I had taken the
opportunity of paying while Matilda Murray was riding her matchless
mare。 He must have heard of the heavy loss I had sustained： he
expressed no sympathy； offered no condolence： but almost the first
words he uttered were； … 'How is your mother？' And this was no matter…of …
course question； for I never told him that I had a mother： he must have
learned the fact from others； if he knew it at all； and； besides； there was
sincere goodwill； and even deep； touching； unobtrusive sympathy in the
tone and manner of the inquiry。 I thanked him with due civility； and told
him she was as well as could be expected。 'What will she do？' was the
next question。 Many would have deemed it an impertinent one； and
given an evasive reply； but such an idea never entered my head； and I gave
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a brief but plain statement of my mother's plans and prospects。
'Then you will leave this place shortly？' said he。
'Yes； in a month。'
He paused a minute； as if in thought。 When he spoke again； I hoped
it would be to express his concern at my departure； but it was only to say； …
'I should think you will be willing enough to go？'
'Yes … for some things；' I replied。
'For SOME things only … I wonder what should make you regret it？'
I was annoyed at this in some degree； because it embarrassed me： I
had only one reason for regretting it； and that was a profound secret；
which he had no business to trouble me about。
'Why；' said I … 'why should you suppose that I dislike the place？'
'You told me so yourself；' was the decisive reply。 'You said； at least；
that you could not live contentedly； without a friend； and that you had no
friend here； and no possibility of making one … and； besides； I know you
MUST dislike it。'
'But if you remember rightly； I said； or meant to say； I could not live
contentedly without a friend in the world： I was not so unreasonable as
to require one always near me。 I think I could be happy in a house full of
enemies； if … ' but no； that sentence must not be continued … I paused； and
hastily added； … 'And； besides； we cannot well leave a place where we have
lived for two or three years； without some feeling of regret。'
'Will you regret to part with Miss Murray； your sole remaining pupil
and companion？'
'I dare say I shall in some degree： it was not without sorrow I parted
with her sister。'
'I can imagine that。'
'Well； Miss Matilda is quite as good … better in one respect。'
'What is that？'
'She's honest。'
'And the other is not？'
'I should not call her DIShonest； but it must be confessed she's a little
artful。'
'ARTFUL is she？ … I saw she was giddy and vain … and now；' he added；