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THE BEDFORD…ROW CONSPIRACY
carrying all before him： he has talked with everybody； laughed with
everybodyand you； with your infernal airsa brewer's daughter； by …；
must sit like a queen and not speak to a soul！ You've lost me one seat of
my borough； with your infernal pridefifteen hundred a year； by Jove！
and you think you will bully me out of another。 No； madam； you
SHALL stay； and stay supper too；and the girls shall dance with every
cursed chimney…sweep and butcher in the room： they shallconfound
me！〃
Her Ladyship saw that it was necessary to submit； and Mr。 Springer；
the master of the ceremonies； was called； and requested to point out some
eligible partners for the young ladies。 One went off with a Whig
auctioneer； another figured in a quadrille with a very Liberal apothecary；
and the third； Miss Henrietta； remained。
〃Hallo you； sir！〃 roared the little General to John Perkins； who was
passing by。 John turned round and faced him。
〃You were dancing with my niece just nowshow us your skill now；
and dance with one of my daughters。 Stand up； Miss Henrietta Gorgon
Mr。 What's…your…name？〃
〃My name；〃 said John； with marked and majestic emphasis； 〃is
PERKINS。〃 And he looked towards Lucy； who dared not look again。
〃Miss GorgonMr。 Perkins。 There； now go and dance。〃
〃Mr。 Perkins regrets； madam；〃 said John； making a bow to Miss
Henrietta； 〃that he is not able to dance this evening。 I am this moment
obliged to look to the supper； but you will find； no doubt； some other
PERSON who will have much pleasure。〃
〃Go to …； sir！〃 screamed the General； starting up； and shaking his
cane。
〃Calm yourself； dearest George；〃 said Lady Gorgon； clinging fondly to
him。 Fitch twiddled his moustaches。 Miss Henrietta Gorgon stared
with open mouth。 The silks of the surrounding dowagers rustledthe
countenances of all looked grave。
〃I will follow you； sir； wherever you please； and you may hear of me
whenever you like；〃 said Mr。 Perkins； bowing and retiring。 He heard
little Lucy sobbing in a corner。 He was lost at oncelost in love； he felt
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THE BEDFORD…ROW CONSPIRACY
as if he could combat fifty generals！ he never was so happy in his life。
The supper came； but as that meal cost five shillings a head； General
Gorgon dismissed the four spinsters of his family homewards in the
carriage； and so saved himself a pound。 This added to Jack Perkins's
wrath； he had hoped to have seen Miss Lucy once more。 He was a
steward； and； in the General's teeth； would have done his duty。 He was
thinking how he would have helped her to the most delicate chicken…wings
and blancmanges； how he WOULD have made her take champagne。
Under the noses of indignant aunt and uncle； what glorious fun it would
have been！
Out of place as Mr。 Scully's present was； and though Lady Gorgon and
her party sneered at the vulgar notion of venison and turtle for supper； all
the world at Oldborough ate very greedily of those two substantial dishes；
and the Mayor's wife became from that day forth a mortal enemy of the
Gorgons： for； sitting near her Ladyship； who refused the proffered soup
and meat； the Mayoress thought herself obliged to follow this disagreeable
example。 She sent away the plate of turtle with a sigh； saying； however；
to the baronet's lady； 〃I thought； mem； that the LORD MAYOR OF
LONDON always had turtle to his supper？〃
〃And what if he didn't； Biddy？〃 said his Honour the Mayor； 〃a good
thing's a good thing； and here goes！〃 wherewith he plunged his spoon into
the savoury mess。 The Mayoress； as we have said； dared not； but she
hated Lady Gorgon； and remembered it at the next election。
The pride； in fact； and insolence of the Gorgon party rendered every
person in the room hostile to them； so soon as； gorged with meat； they
began to find that courage which Britons invariably derive from their
victuals。 The show of the Gorgon plate seemed to offend the people。
The Gorgon champagne was a long time； too； in making its appearance。
Arrive； however； it did。 The people were waiting for it； the young ladies；
not accustomed to that drink； declined pledging their admirers until it was
produced； the men； too； despised the bucellas and sherry； and were looking
continually towards the door。 At last； Mr。 Rincer； the landlord； Mr。 Hock；
Sir George's butler； and sundry others entered the room。 Bang！ went the
corksfizz the foamy liquor sparkled into all sorts of glasses that were
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held out for its reception。 Mr。 Hock helped Sir George and his party； who
drank with great gusto； the wine which was administered to the persons
immediately around Mr。 Scully was likewise pronounced to be good。
But Mr。 Perkins； who had taken his seat among the humbler individuals；
and in the very middle of the table； observed that all these persons； after
drinking； made to each other very wry and ominous faces； and whispered
much。 He tasted his wine： it was a villanous compound of sugar； vitriol；
soda…water； and green gooseberries。 At this moment a great clatter of
forks was made by the president's and vice…president's party。 Silence for
a toast'twas silence all。
〃Landlord；〃 said Mr。 Perkins； starting up （the rogue； where did his
impudence come from？） 〃have you any champagne of YOUR OWN？〃
〃Silence！ down！〃 roared the Tories； the ladies looking aghast。 〃Silence；
sit down you！〃 shrieked the well…known voice of the General。
〃I beg your pardon； General；〃 said young John Perkins； 〃but where
COULD you have bought this champagne？ My worthy friend I know is
going to propose the ladies； let us at any rate drink such a toast in good
wine。〃 （〃Hear； hear！〃） 〃Drink her Ladyship's health in THIS stuff？ I
declare to goodness I would sooner drink it in beer！〃
No pen can describe the uproar which arose： the anguish of the
Gorgonitesthe shrieks； jeers； cheers； ironic cries of 〃Swipes！〃 etc。； which
proceeded from the less genteel but more enthusiastic Scullyites。
〃This vulgarity is too much；〃 said Lady Gorgon； rising； and Mrs。
Mayoress and the ladies of the party did so too。
The General； two squires； the clergyman； the Gorgon apothecary and
attorney； with their respective ladies； followed her： they were plainly
beaten from the field。 Such of the Tories as dared remained； and in
inglorious compromise shared the jovial Whig feast。
〃Gentlemen and ladies；〃 hiccupped Mr。 Heeltap； 〃I'll give you a toast。
'Champagne to our realhicfriends；' no； 'Real champagne to our friends；'
andhicpooh！ 'Champagne to our friends； and real pain to our enemies；'…
…huzzay！〃
The Scully faction on this day bore the victory away； and if the polite
reader has been shocked by certain vulgarities on the part of Mr。 Scully
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and his friends； he must remember imprimis that Oldborough was an
inconsiderable placethat the inhabitants thereof were chiefly
tradespeople； not of refined habitsthat Mr。 Scully himself had only for
three months mingled among the aristocracy… …that his young friend
Perkins was violently angryand finally； and to conclude； that the proud
vulgarity of the great Sir George Gorgon and his family was infinitely
more odious and contemptible than the mean vulgarity of the Scullyites
and their leader。
Immediately after this event； Mr。 Scully and his young friend Perkins
returned to town； the latter to his garrets in Bedford Row the former to
his apartments on the fir